I love my boring life. Boredom means safety and security, reliability; no surprises (I actually hate those). I don’t mean that I find my life boring per se, but that I have finally reached a point in my life that I never imagined to be attainable. I don’t wake up wondering where my next meal is coming from, I have a roof over my head, I have a schedule and routine that I can work very hard at but not kill myself to maintain, I have the world’s best dog to cuddle me on bad days, and I have a life partner who absolutely loves the hell out of me. I do not have to stress myself out every single day over the tiniest grievances, because I have enough stability and enough of a support system to help me make it through almost anything. I am still trying to get better about calming my anxiety over existential crises, but it helps tremendously to have the people I do in life to help ground me.
I remember all my struggles I endured in order to reach the path I am at now. I remember burning the candle at both ends working a full time job into all hours of the night while simultaneously putting myself through college and double majoring in order to graduate with 2 degrees. I remember not being able to participate in a lot of the things my friends were able to growing up because it simply cost too much to be able to afford. I had to miss out on fun adolescent and teenage experiences because I had to work. I remember crying myself to sleep nightly because I was never the girl that people looked twice at or that guys were genuinely nice to without it being a leery type of advance. I never had a boyfriend or a relationship and I would lie awake at night asking the universe why? I just wanted that type of love you would read about or watch movies about. Sometimes I can’t believe that I get to sit at home every night with the love of my life. The very best fairy tale I have ever heard is the one I am currently living.
I used to work 9 hour long shifts on my feet every day, have enough time to go home and shower, and then make it to class in time for a 7:30 am lecture. Now, I get to help manage a gym after a full night’s sleep, and as stressful as being a small business owner can be sometimes, I absolutely love what I do. I am even thinking about pursuing my sourdough hobby as a possible business venture as well. And although I have recently been suffering with some unregulated medical issues, I have been lucky enough to have adopted a super smart dog who has excelled in her training to alert me to take medication when she sniffs out an oncoming attack. When the times have come that have put me on my ass being so sick, I do not have to worry about being fired because my chronic illness has forced me to be late or even miss work. My life has definitely been a lot more calm these days, boring even, and I could not be more grateful.
There are always going to be people who are secret (or not so secret) harbingers of misery in your life, especially when things are going well for you. The type of people who harbor envy about your relationship or jealousy over your success. The very same people who can’t help but comment negative things thinly disguised as a “joke” or who always find a way to make you feel bad about your happiness. Honestly, the worst is when people lack the self awareness to realize they are even doing it. I never get upset about it anymore, all it does is make me wonder why? I even posted a video earlier today that someone left a slightly negative remark, which okay who cares; not a big deal. But kept doubling down for no reason, and I wonder what they get out of it by being a bully. I am sure they think it is harmless, but people don’t realize how they come off to others. I had 3 people ask me (with screenshots) if I knew who it was because they were ready to go out their guns blazing. Gotta love the girls who are ready to have your back. But yeah, overall not super mean or upsetting, but just wondering why say anything negative at all? I can’t believe how lucky I am that this is the most exciting part of my day.
I miss fighting, and as much as I wish that my body didn’t betray my mind, I am thrilled to be a part of the journey for my students. I get to coach, corner, and wrap hands of the athletes fighting under the name of our gym. Perhaps is not as exciting as when I would be the one busting my ass in fight camp, but I am happy to still serve a purpose. The other week I got to coach 14 athletes over the course of 3 days in Las Vegas, many with multiple matches, and I did not miss a single match. I was there to corner and coach every single person. I am not the exciting athlete anymore, but I have my purpose. I am happy with my life, more than happy even, and it blows my mind that I can sit here, soaking in all the things that I once begged the universe for. I’ll always be looking for my next business venture or great adventure, but it is now a source of comfort rather than a far-sought dream. What a blessing it is to be able to be bored.
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