There are days where regardless of what’s going on, I’m a positive ray of sunshine, and then there are days far too often where no matter what the circumstances surrounding me are, I can’t seem to shake the feeling of overcast clouds encroaching upon me. There’s a pretty common saying in Jiu Jitsu; sometimes you’re the hammer and sometimes you’re the nail. Let me just say that I have spent so much time being nailed, I might as well be employed by PornHub. As far as being the hammer? Eh, maybe more like one of those mallets in a game of whack-a-mole that can daze a tiny rodent but causes no real damage. And I’m not just talking about on the mats. This whole metaphorical phrase can equate to everyday life as well. We all have had those days where it’s just one little thing after the next piling up on us, and although if it were just one of those things we would be able to shake it off and move on, when it keeps piling up, it is enough to make us break down completely. I would love to regale you with tales of how tough I am during fight camps and slaughter everything in my path, but normally I’m too busy bathing in the downpour of my own tears. But despite the ongoing battle in my head willing myself to persevere and get over that mental hump, never have I ever quit or given up. There’s no real secret to why, I just simply refuse to relent.
At my school, if you want to fight, you must go through a shark tank. This means that you get to stay in the entire time while “fresh” bodies rotate in and get to annihilate you. It is a test of cardio, strength, skill, and most importantly, your mental fortitude. You end up exhausted, being whaled upon in bad positions by people you would normally demolish, with every fiber of your body screaming for it to be over, but you persevere and keep fighting. Because that’s what fighters do. Hard practices make for easy battles and no growth ever occurred in your comfort zone. I credit my last several wins by being put through these tests of stamina and endurance and I know that my coaches would never subject me to anything they thought I couldn’t handle. I may bend like the spine of Quasimodo, but I won’t ever break. These shark tanks fuel the fire and fan the flames of my existence, and I just wish I was better at applying this way of thinking to my everyday life.
Right now, I’m sitting at the table writing this, super bummed out that everyone was asleep by the time I got home. I miss the kids and wanted to see them. I had a rough day, I’m hurting and sore and stressed out about what lays ahead these next few weeks. Part of me wants to lay down and cry and the other part of me wants to sleep for 2 days and recharge. My mind isn’t tired, but my soul sure as hell is and I wonder how I will be strong enough to take the hits that rain down upon me. Meanwhile, I got kicked in the leg the other day by someone legitimately twice my size and with such force that both feet flew out from underneath me and launched me about a foot in the air. I hit the mats with a loud thud and jumped right back up to my feet like a breakfast strudel popping out of the toaster. My leg is a shade of purple that Grimace would envy, and yet I walked it off like it was nothing. But here I am sulking because I feel a little overwhelmed with my daily life. I’m in a funk because I am being emotionally shark tanked and I don’t like feeling this way. I’d rather take 50 more of those leg kicks than to deal with the sadness trying to consume me right now and I know that I have so many more reasons to smile rather than wallow but I can’t seem to shake it.
My fellow BJJ and MMA people know the feeling of taking a beating. I’m sure many people reading this are all too familiar with taking a beating in life as well. There’s a saying in Jiu Jitsu about suffering from blue belt blues, but what about the terminology for purple, brown, and black belts as well? What about when we are emotionally drained from being life’s nail? I want to be a role model and lead by example but I also want time to regroup and gather myself. Spending time with my family definitely helps so it’s no wonder I feel a bit downcast when that doesn’t happen. I’m trying to inhale all the positivity and exhale the crud. Just one breath at a time so my focus won’t deter and I can acclimate myself to my surroundings. I really hope I get smashed on the mats tonight because as much as it may suck, irreverently I know it’s making me stronger and I can use any extra strength I can get.
If you are like me, and feeling anxious, stressed out, or overwhelmed by being hammered from everything in life, I hope you find a way that helps you cope. I tend to use humor and writing (because let’s be honest, I’m hilarious) and my time on the mats is my therapy. No matter how much I cry, sweat, and bleed, I will never give up on myself or let down those around me. I’m too stubborn not to follow through and there are too many eyes watching me, either because they look to me as a leader or to see if I will crumble like some feta cheese or remain solid like a hunk of cheddar. Maybe not the best analogy, but I thought it was pretty gouda. (Too cheesy?) Just got to keep focusing on being 1% better every day, whether it is phsyically, emotionally, or spiritually. Sometimes it is even realizing today was not your day and waking up to try again tomorrow. That courage and tenacity is where you improve. Anyways, I wrote a quick poem on the whole hammer vs nail ideology and though it was directly in regard to training, it is pretty applicable to everyday life as well:
Sometimes you’re the hammer,
And sometimes you’re the nail.
Sometimes full of successes.
And other times you fail.
In the game of life,
There is no easy path.
Sometimes you feel its pleasures.
And other times its wrath.
The days that get you down,
Are the days that you get stronger.
The struggles and the hardships,
Will help you to last longer.
And though you want to quit,
You push & persevere.
Despite the pain, despite the doubt,
Your sadness, and your fear.
We may lose & we may stumble;
Fall down 9 times stand up 10.
And though we cry and struggle,
We try and try again.
I lose more than I win;
I cry, I yell, I bleed.
I show up on the mats,
In hopes I will succeed.
We constantly get smashed,
And bent, and bruised, and broken.
The punches and the kicks.
The joint locks & the chokings.
No matter what comes at me,
Never will I quit.
I brave the blows that come,
The hits upon the hits.
The weak will waver & relent,
And won’t get out alive.
The strong will push & conquer,
And do more than just survive.
You’ve come to far now,
To let your mind hold you back.
Quell the voices in your head,
And gear up for attack.
Cut the negativity,
And stare defeat straight in the eye.
Push harder than before,
And do more than just get by.
Dig deep within your soul;
Fight the hell that you’re stuck in.
And once your spirit falters,
Dust off until you win.
Every war is different;
No battle is the same.
But still I’ll keep on fighting,
Until the world will know my name.