Interesting. I started this blog primarily to write and document my experiences training and competing in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and MMA, and then I find myself relating it to my emotions and personal life experiences more often than not. It has become a therapeutic outlet in a safe space I can air out my grievances and soothe my minds of the burdens which I bear. It’s hard for me to balance all of these roles and struggle with feeling alone in what my emotional or physical state is. So, I guess by writing all of this out, I’m hoping almost anyone out there can relate to any tidbit of inner turmoil in my brain’s dialogue, and that maybe, perhaps, I can stop feeling invisible and undervalued in my existence.
I know one of my biggest issues I dealing with, is always feeling like any affront on my character or slight transgression is always targeted and aimed directly at me. Any instance of ignored behaviors, rudeness, aggression, or even apathy, tends to have me feeling like the world is out to get me. Trust me, I am aware that this is a “me” problem and a super toxic trait.I think this is because of my love language, which happens to be words of affirmation. I literally don’t care to ever receive affection in the form of gifts, or cuddles, or even gestures done for me. All I ever want is some positive words of gratitude or kind comments sent my way. Just tell me you love me, appreciate me, or are thankful for something I did and I am literally the happiest person alive. But should I never hear from you, especially when I am feeling particularly low or unappreciated, I spiral downward into feelings of disparagement and despair and it takes me awhile to claw myself out of that deep hole.
I don’t understand how people can be so oblivious when they really hurt you and carry on with their day to life as if it was nothing. I hate that I replay all of these instances over and over in my mind until I am wallowing in depressive thoughts. I recall every instance where someone lashed out at me and inevitably always end up feeling worse during the replays. I wonder if I’m secretly a masochist and enjoy inflicting this kind of pain and mental torture upon myself. I have trouble forming close bonds with people because I inevitably get hurt because I expect too much or at least, I expect said person to reciprocate the ways in which I treat them. When they are dismissive or unreliable or else do anything else that lets me down or causes pain, I am crushed. This has made it hard for me to continue forming relationships with people and has left me feeling quite alone as an adult without close friends to turn to or spend time with when I am feeling upset or overwhelmed, and not going to lie, it sucks.
It’s a hard pill to swallow to learn that I can’t expect me out of everyone, meaning others will react in ways of which I would never, and it hurts to witness the nonchalance of it all. Though I am sure I do, say, or think many things a ton of people would be up in arms about and take issue with, but I would hope they would come and speak with me and we could work things out. I strongly believe that communication is the key to the dichotomy in all relationships and helps weave strong bonds between all parties involved. The trouble is when communication is met with a hard line of stubbornness/resistance or instant refusal of being receptive to the person who is speaking. It’s hard to communicate with people when they become instantly defensive and unwilling to accept any responsibility or refusal to acknowledge any missteps. Take for example in Jiu Jitsu. As an instructor and upper belt, my professor often asks me to let people know if they are doing something incorrectly on the mats. But too many times, people aren’t receptive to adhering to advice from a tiny upper belt female, no matter what their qualifications are. Unreceptive energy is a difficult barrier to break down.
Fortunately for me, my occupation and my hobbies keep me busy. It helps distract me from the fact that try as I may, I struggle to build these close relationships and friendships with others. It’s hard for me to confide in and rely on others when I have been burned by the flames of betrayal in the past. I wish things were different, and I could learn not to take these brush-offs so personally, but unfortunately, I haven’t reached that stage of divine intervention just yet. I’m happy I have the confidence and resiliency to keep trying to be a good person and do my best to help despite the heartaches I have endured, and I will work on better coping mechanisms every day. It is no one else’s fault that I am allowing my hurt feelings to dictate my responses, and I am grateful for every single day I get to wake up and learn how to be a better person. No matter how or what I may be thinking in that moment, I am never truly alone, and I know one day I will have the type of people I can surround myself with to trust to be there should I need it. For now, if I stumble and fall, I will always be equipped with a parachute to be able to save myself.
