What’s your toxic trait? This is something I’ve been trying self reflect a lot on lately. We are always so focused on the ways in which we have been wronged and the people who have treated us poorly that we can tend to gloss over the internal conflicts causing chaos within ourselves. “Until people take radical personal responsibility for themselves, they’re going to make everyone else the bad guy.” (Quote courtesy of Samantha Faulhaber). After all, the single common denominator in all of our life’s problem is us, so shouldn’t we be the ones to help determine what needs to be rectified in order to improve our standard of living? At the end of the day, I’m alone with my thoughts in my head and emotions in my heart so I should be the one to figure out where exactly I’m fudging up my choices, actions, decisions, thought processes, coping mechanisms, and other maladaptive behaviors. There is no reason to not constantly be working on fixing and repairing ourselves. After all, we spend a lifetime with this mind and body and spirit so why treat it like the yellow starburst in a bag full of pink ones and continue to neglect our own needs or address our own inconsistencies and issues without ever actively working on coming up with solutions? (Side note, the yellow starburst is actually my favorite, especially the spicy sweet pineapple ones. Yeah, I’m a monster, I know). I’m a work in progress every day, and I won’t quit trying to better every facet of myself throughout this journey I am embarking on.
I want to suck the marrow out of living and soak up all of its glorious nectar. Slurp directly from the teat of life if you will, and nestle my head between its bosom until I’m fully content and satiated. But in order for me to do that, I need to come to terms with the areas I’ve been soiling like an untrained, non-housebroken puppy stuck inside of white carpeted floors all day long. For me, I am horrible when it comes to guilt. I always feel I am not good enough, or not doing enough, or not working hard enough, and it has definitely taken its toll on me both physically and mentally. I never think my performance on the mats or in the cage is good enough, I don’t think I’m working hard enough at my training and house/partner duties, and I often times don’t think I’m good enough for my partner’s kids. I push myself until I break and then spend valuable time lamenting over said loss of time not improving. It’s such a toxic trait and something I need to actively work on improving in order to preserve my quality of life. Everyday, I negatively talk down to myself because I feel as if I deserve punishment for not utilizing every second of my time to pushing myself. Did I not go as hard as I could have that last round? Did I catch myself resting in the guard? Perhaps I fatigued my arms and withheld punches that should have been thrown? Did I cut my run short? Did I eat an extra piece of food with my meal? Did I not drink as much water as I could have? Did I allow someone to get a dominant position because I was tired? All of this incessant guilt is exhausting.
I’m currently lying down, riddled with guilt because I had to cancel a training session this morning. My mind is so ready to continuously challenge myself, but I tweaked something in my neck and I have yet to rest it since aggravating an old injury and it’s definitely starting to effect my day to day life. Sure, my sleep was continuously disrupted from the searing pain radiating from my skull down my spine and into the radial nerves in my arm, but I’m worried I’m really going to regret not forcing myself to go strike anyways. Even though I know I need to heal, I always have this lingering guilt that my future opponent is doing more regardless and that guilt is what drives me to overstrain and risk serious repercussions. I basically feel like the laziest turdsicle in existence for having to put a heating pad on my body and take the morning off, and I’m not going to lie, I hate myself a little bit for it. I’m very hard on myself and I absolutely despise not being the best when I put everything in my heart into a task and a goal. I hate watching video of my fights and competitions because something in me tends to focus on all my mistakes and errors rather than seeing anything I did well and I loathe the animosity I harbor for myself. I believe that I can do all the things, but when it turns out I am human and make mistakes or I am not perfect, I ridicule the thoughts in my head until I abhor everything I did. I never realized how bad my negative self talk had gotten until my partner’s daughter pointed out that I am so encouraging and positive to other people but I constantly put myself and my abilities down. That broke my heart that people I care about and want to set good examples for are seeing the harm I’m causing myself with my negativity. I would never speak to someone else the way I have been speaking to myself, so why do I allow it? Am I that much of a masochist outside of the bedroom too?
If you think this type of nitpicking behavior only applies to my training and career, then I’ve got news for you buckaroo. Because I am also 100% like this in my personal life as well. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m a good enough partner for the man I love and wonder if all the faults I see within myself is something he has picked up on too and will begin to manifest feelings of dislike towards me. I wonder if I’m good enough to step into the role of someone who can be there for his kids to love and look up to and if I am doing right by them in the things I tackle in life. In my mind, they are so amazing and should receive only the best and nothing but the absolute greatest things life has to offer and I hold onto this secret fear that I can’t possibly live up to what they deserve. I’m not going to pretend like I have this life thing figured out, and all I can do is promise to keep trying my best, but the guilt I retain is eating me alive and I need to learn how to make peace with the idea that everyday I am learning, growing, and trying. My problem is constantly questioning if no matter how much I try, if I could have tried harder, and this is going to be my downfall if I continue on this spiral. It’s time my internal confidence starts reflecting that outward BDE, and my inner phallic sword emerges from its sheath like I’m King Arthur erecting it from the depths of the stone.
Recognizing my own toxic behaviors and habits is the first step on the path to developing healthy solutions to improve this poor way of thinking. I can’t keep blaming the guilt that is so ingrained in me on my culture and Jewish heritage and it’s time I begin taking personal responsibility for the area in which I so desperately fall flat. I believe that I can do anything I set my mind to, but I know that with all things in life, this takes time, so I promise to practice kindness to myself when everything isn’t 100% textbook and aesthetically perfect. The phrase “trial and error” exists for a reason, and the fact that I won’t ever give up speaks multitudes to the volume of my character, Every single day, I will work hard on trying to be a better athlete, coach, fighter, student, person, partner, and role model and I will give it all I have. Even if that means calling off one day to take care of myself so I don’t implode or deteriorate, then I will commend myself for doing the right thing in order for me to improve on all those aforementioned roles. I am eternally grateful to possess the ambition and drive that pushes myself to persevere even in the face of adversity, but I will ease ups bit on the harshness and punishing thoughts I reflect when I struggle as well. I am working on not being so hard on myself and taking it day by day to become better. I’ve recognized this problem, confessed to it, and amplified it to the public to hold myself accountable and take personal responsibility. Fasten your seatbelts, a new and improved Wolf Queen is ready to take on the world.
