Too fat. Too skinny. Too tall. Too short. Too old. Not strong enough. Not fast enough. Not smart enough. All words we have probably heard muttered about women every now and then, but even worse, these negative phrases are more often than not begrudgingly whispered about in hushed voices by other women. Or otherwise plastered all across social media on comments, photos, or videos another woman has posted. Especially in the martial arts community where weight and age related categories are often the sole subject matter of discussion in various groups and pages, further exacerbating the divide and animosity that seems to plague ladies all over. Unfortunately, our society is based around a dog-eat-dog world when it comes to the competitiveness amongst women trying to seek the top spot in their respective fields. We are inundated with the notion that there is no room for anyone else save for the best contender, and if you are unable to attain your greatest goals, there is a readily made excuse at the standby for your convenience. Women are constantly striving for aspirations of utmost power and importance, and are labeled as a bitch or cutthroat for doing so, while men are perceived as ambitious and champions for the exact same thing. And perhaps that is our own fault, as men can cross train at gyms and build a camaraderie of sorts while many women have experienced nothing but hostility and aggression when doing the same thing. At what point do we ask ourselves when does it stop?
Heaven forbid if you are an outlier in the weight category in the sport of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. On the tiny end of the spectrum (I compete in IBJJF at the second lowest weight class and I fight MMA at the lowest allotted weight class) I struggle to find opponents, event at the larger scale tournaments. I sign up early in the hopes that others see someone listed and also put their name down because we desperately need to grow our competition numbers. Too often, no one signs up because they don’t think they will get a match and then others also don’t sign up for the same reason. Take the plunge and be the one who registers and initiate action to grow our numbers. I’m lucky to be able to get even one match at IBJJF events, but I always throw my name in the hat for absolute. Yes, sometimes I get smushed, but when I do, I know it is because my technique wasn’t where it should be, being that efficient technique and skill can combat the size difference if you work hard enough. Not always, but a good amount of time this is the case. Then on the opposite end of the spectrum, you have men who once they exceed 220 lbs, there is no longer a cap on weight for the competitors. For women, that cap is 175 lbs, when the average weight for American women is 169 lbs. Many women are intimidated by these numbers, especially when newer to competition and having to be labeled as “super or ultra heavy” at 180 lbs or having to compete against an opponent with a significant weight difference even in the same weight category. And then if they are the heavier of the 2, having to deal with crude comments about them winning only due to their size. It’s a shitty situation all around and I can’t blame anyone for not wanting to deal with feeling shame when it comes down to it.
Yes, this is an aggressive sport where we shouldn’t coddle and placate to people’s feelings if they’re being overly sensitive. But that doesn’t mean we need to be a dick either. This isn’t high school and schoolyard bullies are very much beneath us. Stop fueling the fire of snippy and rude remarks and just work on your Jiu Jitsu. Perhaps it is not so much women trying to belittle one another and hurt the other’s feelings; they just may be accidentally ignorant to the fact that certain remarks can penetrate deeply into the soul of a person who is very much ingrained in the culture that size and appearance is of greatest importance. It happens constantly, and is usually reflective of the person’s own insecurities or downfalls and speaks volumes of the individual much more than of their subject matter. Hell, it happens to me constantly. I went up a whole weight class for my last MMA fight where there was an 8 inch height difference and significant reach advantage. After winning the bout with a first round submission, there were a multitude of comments from my opponent and another catty individual I do not even know personally ridiculing everything about me from my stature to how hideous my looks were. But at the end of the day I have a man who loves me, kids who love me, an amazing love for myself, a great team beside me, and I choked her out in under 2 minutes so I’m not too fussed about the rude remarks to be honest. It comes from a place of hurt and sadness and I refuse to let the ugly get me down. I’m pretty happy with my face and will do it justice by continually smiling even through the naysayers.
My local community is pretty spoiled when it comes to cross training. The women in this area are quite friendly and amicable and are more than happy to train together and create mutually beneficial relationships. However, the same can not be said elsewhere. I have trained at gyms that felt so welcoming and embraced the hard training without trying to murder or annihilate the other person. Then on the opposite end of the spectrum, I have trained places where “dirty” and underhanded tactics were used to purposefully inflict pain or injury on one another and I just don’t comprehend that style of thinking. I am not your enemy; I’m simply just trying to get in a good training session. A gym is not a competition nor a fight, so please don’t be a twatopottamous. I hosted a women’s open mat a couple of weeks ago after an all female super fight card took place and it was amazing. So many skilled and talented women in one place without a hint of ego or hostility. Everyone was just trying to help out and better their fellow Jiu Jitsu sister and it was a beautiful thing to be a part of. Even those ladies that absolutely floored me did it with skill and athleticism versus anger and hostility. I’m all for us empowering one another rather than diminishing another’s accomplishments just to make ours stand out brighter. Be the woman who fixes another’s crown without telling the world that it was crooked.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware that at the end of the day it’s a competitive sport where there is only one woman who can emerge victorious. But you can easily win with grace and humility and lose with dignity and respect. Let’s stop contributing to the jealousy and viciousness in an already overly agitated world. One of my biggest dreams is to make an impact and leave a lasting impression and while I don’t think me by myself can change the world, I know that change can start with any spark I am willing to initiate and just hope that it spreads like wildfire to the masses. Life can be a cold and complicated struggle, but it is the longest thing we will ever be a part of and why not try to make the most out of it and try our hardest to improve upon everything and everyone we come into contact with. The way we act and the way that others perceive us creates a ripple effect down the line and we can’t always control the way others act, but we can always control the ways in which we respond. It would kill me to know I made anyone feel self conscious or inferior which is probably why I’m always the first to ‘like’ or compliment someone on a post for any achievement that they take pride in. Be somebody who makes everyone feel like they are a somebody. I’m like a cumulous cloud of compliments, shitting out rays of sunshine on everything I touch in the hopes that even if I can’t brighten the world, I can brighten someone’s world, and that to me will make all of the difference. And to those women who know I can’t possibly do it alone, thank you for being the tribe of kickass warriors empowering one another too.
