Lately, I’ve been seeing more and more posts on social media in regards to mental health and my friend’s persistent struggles with bouts of sadness and depression. These feelings impact more people than we could possibly imagine, but since mental health is seen as a “weakness” or taboo subject, many end up suffering in silence, feeling isolated from their peers and only creating a deeper rift in battling the mental ambiguity. Perhaps it is because depression often times is felt rather than seen, and the emotional burden of putting on a false front is deeply exhausting. If you tell someone you have a blistering sore throat, they take this fact at face value and you’ll never hear them reply “just go outside and do something, it’s all in your head.” But lo and behold you tell someone that you’re feeling depressed and all of a sudden they become an expert on a topic of which they are woefully ignorant. We should not be meant to feel embarrassment or shame for an illness; whether it can be physically seen or not. To the people telling someone that they have a great life and have no reason to be clinically depressed or feel sadness, I implore you to educate yourself a bit more on the topic and employ some empathy. Sometimes chemical and hormonal imbalances can cause these feelings, sometimes it’s our circumstances in life, and sometimes we can’t pinpoint a singular reason why we feel the way that we do, but it does not make it anymore invalid nor should it require a constant stream of explanations.
You are human and you are more than allowed to feel. I hate the fact that so many are chronically consumed with thoughts of an abysmally low amount of self worth. I hate even more that many feel like they are alone in these battles with nowhere to go and no one to turn to. Even more so, I loathe the lack of mental healthcare in this country; just take a look at the high suicide rate for Veterans. This is a problematic issue that needs to be addressed. If there was a viral outbreak or bacterial epidemic, the CDC would be scrambling for a vaccine and a cure, so why does chronic depression go systemically untreated for so long? Often times, I catch myself feeling down with no particular reason to be in a slump, I just am. For instance, the other day, I felt so out of it; all I wanted to do was lie in bed all day and sleep. With my upcoming title fight just around the corner, I dragged myself out of bed, downed a cup of coffee (black like my soul), and trained continuously for 4 straight hours. Surprisingly, it was one of my best training sessions I endured in awhile and the endorphins flowing through my veins afterward invigorated myself and propelled me to a much happier state of mind. While I will always advocate getting yourself up to go to training, it’s also equally okay if you simply want to take that day to slump on your couch and binge watch 3 seasons in a row of some mindless drivel on Netflix. Sometimes we just need a break from life and you owe people no explanation or excuse when it comes to treatment therapy and self care.
Using humor to cope is a common mechanism rampant among individuals fighting depression. For example, Robin Williams. We like to make others laugh in the hopes that we, too can revel in elation. Maybe if we make enough people laugh, we can share in that jubilation and keep the sadness at bay. When you laugh the world laughs with you, when you cry, you cry alone. Why is that so? Perhaps this is why I infuse my blog posts with smatterings of humor laid throughout. Sitting behind my computer screen, I laugh incredulously at my own corny jokes, but no one sees the tears cascading down my cheeks when I’m alone. Sometimes I’ll be driving in my car, choking back sobs from just feeling down when someone calls me. And then I have to pretend like I wasn’t having some existential crisis over practically nothing. “No, I’m not crying. Must be some hungry cat that burrowed it’s way into my car’s exhaust pipe making those gurgling noises. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE DIANE OKAY!?” Yup. Totally played that one off.
It honestly just sucks when you truly can’t shake this feeling. It’s almost like an ever looming shadow casting its darkness upon you like a deafening eclipse blocking out the sun. Every time you begin to slink towards the light, its venomous claws creep their ways on top of you, piercing your heart with sadness and pain. I throw on my gi and train because it’s a mechanical function deeply ingrained in my strict schedule, but on the inside, I’m sinking beneath the tides of depression. I try to catch my breath, but the water inches hire, threatening to drown me with every crashing wave. I wish I could just snap out of it, or that I can take one bit of medicine that acts as a cure-all, completely evaporating the negative emotions succumbing my mind. Unfortunately, this is an everyday battle, and I didn’t earn the title of ‘fighter’ for no reason.
Depression is the most daunting opponent I face, and it’s something I must try to conquer on a daily basis. I am not weak, and anyone who wakes up everyday determined to fight this beast has the strength of Hercules. I love my life, I really do. I have the best family anyone could ask for, great friends, a roof over my head, and food on my table. It almost sickens me that sometimes it’s just not enough to keep my demons at bay. Who am I to not be happy when there are people out there who would literally kill to live the life that I do. This is probably a huge contributing factor in why I throw myself headfirst into training and why I am so disheartened when I fall short of my goals. If I’m not the best at what I do, then what’s even the point of putting my body through such an exhausting feat? I guess it’s because I know people are watching me, looking to me for strength, and regarding me as someone they can emulate. I can’t let them down and I won’t. I refuse to let lingering thoughts prevent me from reaching my full potential, and though I may fall down 9 times, I will get up 10.
If you’re reading this and we are connected in any way on social media or in person, know that I see you. I see your struggles and your falterings and I know you can overcome it too. You are not alone, and most importantly, you will always have a friend in me (insert Buzz and Woody duet.) Life can be a bitch, but if there is one thing I’m certain of, is that I am a bigger and badder bitch than life could ever be. I will train constantly; bruised, battered, and bleeding until I become champion and most importantly, I will champion my demons and give them a Khabib KO. This week has already been an exceptionally difficult one for it only being Tuesday, but I’m lucky to be surrounded by such great people. Someone had just told me earlier today to never underestimate the power of playing loud music and of laughter and today, I promise to engage in both. If you’re currently having a rough time, drink some water, get some rest, take a hot shower, and find one thing today that will bring you joy, no matter how minimal it is. My best therapy comes from MMA & BJJ, and I am more than happy to spread the love with that aspect. Find your happy place; the possibilities are limitless. Whatever you do, please don’t give up. Keep fighting the good fight and raise hell to that voice that tries to keep you down. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1(800)273-8255
*cover photo: Model- Tiffany Robinson Makeup-Goredolls Photographer- Alisha McIntyre Photography
