She Who Hesitates is Lost

I’ve heard about things like a creative block, or writer’s block, which fortunately, I haven’t really faced all that much. But when is it called when you’re having a competition block? I mean, I went from someone who was eager to compete and did so all of the time, practically every weekend, to having a several month layoff due to injury. Now that I am jumping back into competition, I seem to have lost a part of my edge, a huge chunk of confidence, my ‘je ne sais quoi’, and a big lapse of assurance. This is causing a hesitation when it comes to stepping on the mats, and that is simply not okay in the slightest.

I’m not going to lie on here and pretend I never get nervous, because no matter how often or how many times I competed, I still always dealt with a bit of nerves. Supposedly they say that this is beneficial, and helps fuel you. I don’t know man, the nervous sweats, heart palpitations, and the butterfly tummy flutters are never super fun. But I was always way more eager than I was nervous, and looked forward to the anticipation of competition rather than dreading it. This past competition, my stomach was in absolute shambles, and I legitimately felt like puking for the first time in my competitive career. I knew a big part of this feeling was my long layoff, but I was also nervous about the capabilities of my knee, and had that weighing on the back of my mind throughout the day.

I’m not new to injuries, particularly knee injuries, or even surgeries to rectify catastrophic breaks and ligament tears. My last blog actually goes into more detail on the surgeries on both my left and right knees. Back in 2017, I had a full ACL reconstruction, and jumping right back into competition 9 months later and fully healed was not an issue at all. This was my good knee, it had always been my good knee, and surgery went well and so did the rehabilitation. I had no qualms about the structural integrity and once everything was healed, I was no longer in pain. Although all of my surgeries on my right knee are technically “healed,” I am still dealing with significant pain and integrity issues. Hence my mental block when it comes to competing. I heavily distrust the capabilities of my knee.

Physically, I felt great everywhere else. I had been training incredibly hard and my cardio was on point. However, when I rewatched my video, I was wondering why I was so hesitant about every little thing. I second-guessed every grip, every attack, every escape; I seemed unable to commit to anything my mind was coming up with. I’m sure I am not the only person struggling with commitment issues this Valentine’s Day, and it definitely sucks. I am not known to be gun shy when it comes to pulling the trigger, but throughout the entirety of the match, the hesitation was palpable. I was also clearly favoring one leg, which is totally unnecessary at this point. The mental hurdles we deal with are often times much more significant than the physical battles, especially in regard to combat sports.

The good thing is that I have now identified the problem and can work really hard to ensure I don’t fall down this rabbit hole again. No one could ever be harder on me than me. In the moments immediately preceding my loss, I looked right at my husband (coach), and told him I was such a piece of shit and didn’t deserve to be there. He really had to pep talk and correct me on my abysmal view of myself. The reason I immediately got so depressed was because I know I am capable of showing so much more, and I hated myself for letting fear get in the way of what I was meant to do. I know I will find a way to push past these barriers and mental blocks, and will continue to train hard along the way. I can’t allow hesitation to be my downfall, and I’d rather go out guns blazing than cowering behind the barrel again.