When I Grow Up

What did you want to be when you grew up? I am not talking about profession or occupation, I’m talking the kind of person you hoped you’d become. As children, we all imagine adults as these omniscient and well-put-together people who know exactly how life works. As if you’re going to turn 18 and magically be an adult and understand all there is to know about life. Or that once you get your first “real adult” job or become a parent, you will understand the way that the world works. Then you grow up, you get older, and you see how the majority of people have no idea what they are doing. So many people just feel like they are still kids, masquerading as adults, and just waiting until one day someone spots them to tell them that the jig is up. Sometimes I feel like in the movies when the kids stand on each other’s shoulders and put on a large trench coat to impersonate an adult to purchase something with an age requirement and one day the facade will come apart.

I always had lofty dreams and aspirations for myself for when I grew up. Some of those dreams I accomplished, some didn’t align with the path I had chosen to take, and some I am still working on. But I always knew I wanted to grow into the type of person I could be proud of, someone who was strong and capable. Basically, I wanted to become the type of person I would have looked up to and greatly admired as a child. And most importantly, I wanted to make a difference and impact lives. I specifically remember when I was around 7 or 8 years old, telling my mom I had a feeling that I was meant to change the world. Little old me looked my mama in her eyes, and told her with the utmost conviction that I was meant to do something great for others. I have no idea what compelled me to say all of that, but I just knew it in my heart that it was true, and not a doubt in my mind.

Now that I have aged quite a bit since that day, I still so badly want that feeling to come back and for all of this to be true. But I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I have never felt so strongly again as when I was 8, and had that deep-seated gut intuition of being able to change the world. I miss it. I miss thinking I was so capable and destined for greatness instead of being hesitant and fearful. I still hope to grow up to be that assertive woman who helps others, but I feel less and less sure every day that I will be able to do all that I want to do. It’s hard to explain that feeling I once had, but to me, it seemed so resolute, and so true that I knew it was infallible. I just knew that one day I would do great things and it seemed incredulous to me that anyone would think otherwise. Is fate really something laid out for all of us, or can divine intervention put a cease to it all? Or even, are our destinies not predetermined, but something that is cultivated day by day from the choices that we make?

I do know that one thing is for sure, and that I will continue to try and always take the high road and to do the right thing, even when that is the most difficult choice to make. The great Albus Dumbledore once said that eventually ‘we will all face a choice between doing what is right and what is easy’. I know I have to make the choices that I can personally live with and that won’t eat away at me due to guilt as I lie my head down at night to sleep. My conscience pounds too heavily in my head and I know I can not in good faith ignore the little voice inside my head that encourages the difficult choices, but the right choices, to be made. This may mean sometimes letting things that really bother me slide, because I won’t stoop to the levels of bottom-feeding ocean dwellers. Though I often think that karma be taking her sweet ol’ time doling out some just desserts, it is not my responsibility nor my burden to bear to help her along. Life isn’t a movie and sometimes the bad guy wins in the end, but at the end of the day, I can live with myself and be satisfied with the choices I make and the way I live my life.

So as I grow up, I’ll always stay true to myself, and honor my choices by living to the merits, values, and principles I adhere to. I know I am still growing up, and there is (hopefully) plenty of time for me to continue becoming the person that I want to become. Whether that includes me being destined for greatness, or simply impacting just the moments in one person’s life. I still have flashbacks to me as a kid, loftily daydreaming on how my future would turn out and what my life would be like. Some things, I was way off base with, because never in a million years did I ever see myself married or enjoying all the roles of cleaning and being in the kitchen to care for my partner. However, other things I was right on the money on, including growing up to be paid to fight people. I still hope deep down that my aspirations of being able to do something great and changing the world comes true, but I know I can only control the days minute by minute, and hour by hour.