Cause I’d Rather Feel Pain Than Nothing at All

What happens when the pain just gets to be too much? Emotional, physical, whichever. It all hurts. Pain is such a universally relatable experience; something each person on planet earth understands. What we don’t always understand, however, are certain types of pain or how each person processes pain differently. Everyone assesses levels of pain uniquely, and some people also deal with trauma with varying levels of grieving and processing. I know I have always had an issue discussing physical pain with my physicians because I have a fairly high pain tolerance. When I simultaneously tore my ACL, MCL, bucket handle tear meniscus, and fractured and dislocated my patella 7 years ago, I told the doctor at the Emergency Room that my pain was registering at a level 4. Don’t get me wrong, I was certainly in a lot of debilitating pain, but I equate a level 10 as being on fire with your skin melting off of your bones as you writhe and scream in agony. I have a somewhat high pain tolerance, and I am also exceptionally prone to guilt, so I never want to inaccurately describe what I am feeling because I always assume others have it worse and I have no right to complain. Unfortunately this led to the doctor not thinking I injured myself and basically just sending me home until I saw an orthopedist the next day who was appalled by all of this.

When it comes to personal and emotional traumas and difficult times, I’m kind of the same way; and I know I am not alone about any of this. I know a lot of other people also like to remain guarded and not put all of their issues on the forefront. I don’t want strangers to know intimate details about my life or even people who remain in my life so that they can secretly relish in all of my hardships and struggles. But then I know I personally reserve some bitterness when I hear others wearing the trauma like a badge of honor and regaling every aspect of their life to it. I recognize that this is a personal problem, and my attitude and feelings should now be so greatly effected by the ways others choose to “share their trauma.” I guess I like to keep things personal and closer to my heart, and then strive to overcome these obstacles regardless of whatever got thrown to try to impede my path. And I seem to struggle to understand why other people seem to want everyone to know their struggles and garner their sympathy.

This is what I mean by everyone processing their pains differently. Some people see a speck of blood on their body, and get clammy and pass out. Then you have the morons like me who get in a cage knowing blood will pool from your body and still try to inflict more damage on the person standing across from you. It can be difficult for someone with either train of thought to relate to the other. The only time I ever got sent to the principal’s office in elementary school was because when I was in 4th grade, some kid fell on the sidewalk on the way to P.E. and got a tiny scrape on his knee. The day before I was playing touch football with my brothers and male neighbors and got a fat lip. I took one look at his crying face and told him (through my swollen and discolored lips) to get up and wipe his tears because there was barely a mark and it wasn’t that bad. The teacher definitely reamed me out for that one. If you ever read this blog, I am sorry Rodrigo for being such a heartless bitch when we were 9.

Even now, my knee is hanging on by a thread and I am still choosing to compete. My reasoning for this is justified I swear; because they told me I desperately need a knee replacement since I no longer have any cartilage or meniscus on both the lateral and medial side and frequent bone spurs. However, they won’t even entertain the thought of that surgery for at least a decade due to my age. Therefore, by my reasoning, I may as well enjoy my normal routine. Fortunately I am going to get some stem cell therapy this weekend and I am tremendously excited to see how much this helps. Plus doing this sport for almost 11 years has taught me that the majority of those who have been in it for this amount of longevity are dealing with some sort of herniation, tear, fracture, or compounding issue causing them a lot of pain. I figure why add to the never-ending pile of complaints and just live my life.

I know that the stoic ways in which I choose to process any type of pain is my choice, and mine alone. I am learning to not be so judgmental and bitter that others may choose to react or process things differently and I need to be more compassionate and understanding. While it is very true that others have it worse, that does not invalidate your struggles or hardships and people are allowed to be upset or in pain. That’s the beautiful thing about the world, is that all of us are different people and we all come with our own unique experiences that help cultivate the person that we become. I like to think that there is a little bit I can always learn from every person that comes into my life, and I am lucky to be able to learn through both doing and by observation. While it isn’t a happy thought to realize that all of us understand pain, it is comforting to know we are never alone. Keep being patient with other people’s processing choices, and just maybe, this type of unification and empathy can make the world a better place in which to live.