Is my partner my biggest advocate, confidante, cheerleader, supporter? Or secretly, a hater lurking in the shadows? By this I mean are they truly rooting for me when I am excelling in things, even when they themselves are coming up short, which let’s be honest, can be quite the blow to anyone’s ego. Watching those around you climbing different societal and occupational ladders while you seem to plummet in different facets of your life, and no matter who you are or what you do, it stings. I see so many facades when I open up social media; people wanting to portray the picture perfect relationship with their significant other, only to be full of more lies than what the media portrays to the ravenous public. A picture is just a glimpse into what is truly just beneath the surface. Sadly, I see this happen often with couples within the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu community, especially couples where one or both of the two compete. If one person does better or receives “more attention” or praise in competition than the other, rather than be their partner’s biggest support, the green-eyed monster begins to creep in and envy starts to take place. All of a sudden, there seems to bit of a power imbalance and relationship strain.
Now, this doesn’t just happen within BJJ couples, but can happen anytime someone begins to reach greater levels of success than their counterpart. Even in the work force in their respective careers, especially if one person in the relationship is currently hitting a lag or a setback in their occupation, while their other half is hitting their stride. While it is normal to be upset when faced with your own shortcomings, I would never want my partner to ever feel like they couldn’t rejoice in their own triumphs in order to spare my feelings. We all work exceptionally hard to reach certain goals, and sometimes, the stars don’t always align in our favor. It is understandable to be upset when we don’t get the desired position, or when we are passed over for certain promotions, or even devastated when we are even let go from these jobs. But to expect our partners to not be happy if at the same time they just happen to be promoted, or receive a raise, a bump in salary, an elevated position, or an incredible opportunity would be ridiculously selfish on our parts. Maturity is being able to swallow our pride and put aside those small emotions to be able to be happy for the person in the world we claim to care most about.
With Master’s Worlds just around the corner, it really got me thinking. How many couples out there are competing alongside one another? Is there going to be someone who feels the need to dull their own shine so that their partner doesn’t feel like they are eclipsed by the sunlight should they not do as well their other half? Pisses me off a little bit to think about to be honest. And if I am being truthful, I admit this is something I feel may happen more frequently to a women in a heterosexual relationship with a man, i.e. the woman does better than her boyfriend/husband, and feels she can’t freely celebrate as she would had he done equally as well or even better than she did. Actually, I think (and again, this is just my personal opinion), that if there is a couple at the gym where the woman outranks her male significant other, a part of her may even feel somewhat guilty and try to refrain from progressing as quickly as she would had they not been together out of fear of making him feel “less than.” This may include things like not signing in for classes they attended or trying not to stand out too much to the professors or instructors in charge. I understand wanting to preserve the feelings of the ones we love, but if they reciprocate the love for us as well, they should be clamoring for us to be the best we can be in return.
I know this may be a bit out of turn for me to speak on, being that my husband has always outranked me in Jiu Jitsu since he started his journey several years prior to mine, and in fact, even awarded me my black belt. He has also won a world championship where I have not (though not for lack of trying, I promise). But I have reached a higher level than him on the professional MMA circuit and we have competed alongside each other in Jiu Jitsu competition where I have done better or he has done better and either way, both of us have coached and cheered for the other on the sidelines no matter what. Don’t get me wrong, it feels a thousand times better to win together, same for any of my teammates when we are competing and fighting on the same card or in the same tournament. But no mater how dreadfully short I come up or how abysmally I may lose, you can bet your ass I will always be screaming my tush off that my teammates, my friends, and especially my man will walk away with his hand raised.
What it boils down to is I am never going to tell someone else to dim their shine in order to preserve my feelings. I’m a big girl, I’ll be okay. If I love you and care about you the way that I say that I do, I want your light to burn so brightly, it blinds the eyes of anyone who dares to stare at it directly. No one in a relationship should have to deal with a partner who makes them feel badly or guilty about achieving great things. Success should be a wonderful thing people get to celebrate together, not something you dread having to tell the person you love out of anxiety over the repercussions over the way they choose to react. Their insecurities over their deficiencies should in no way dictate me limiting my happiness. If my partner’s ego supersedes my ability to be happy at the achievements I have worked so hard to reach, then maybe the relationship isn’t what I thought it was. Sometimes It’s my baby’s turn to be the shining sun, sometimes I’m the moon, sometimes we are shining stars together, but whoever’s turn it is to shine brightly, neither one of us is trying to block out the light; instead we both revel in its beaming luminosity together.
