Why is it that sometimes we always feel that nothing we do in life will ever be good enough, and we always have these unattainable standards to hold ourselves to? It seems that we can accomplish so much in life, but unless we are always reaching that #1 spot, or best of the best, it just doesn’t seem to be good enough. Take for example those who compete in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Either you get on yourself for not being at the top of the podium, or if you do take first place, you get on yourself for your performance not being as good as you want it to be i.e., you are upset you won by a decision or points rather than a dominating submission. Or you wish your overall ranking in the IBJJF system was higher, or you want to be more revered than what you currently are. It’s almost crazy how critical we are of our own performances and the things that we do in everything in our lives. Why are we always so focused on the actual results than everything we accrued in the journey in order to get there? I know for one, I am a much better person, coach, and athlete, because of the work I put in preparing for said event regardless of whatever the scoreboard says at the end of the day, but it takes a lot to not be focused on the 5-30 minutes of mat time instead.
I am incredibly guilty of this as well. I was just talking to someone about this actually. When it comes to competition, unfortunately, the IBJJF is at the top of the food chain when it comes to the who’s who of competing, and they have several “major” events per year: Worlds (adults, gi, no gi, and master’s), Pans (both gi and no gi), and Nationals (again for adults, gi, and no gi, and master’s). Some of the Open events have also drawn fairly large crowds as they have ran at the same time as some of the major Master’s events, and therefore have brought in large-scale competition and big name competitors. Over the years, I have simultaneously competed at Jiu Jitsu while trying to balance a professional MMA career and reach the top levels of the fight game, chasing title belts and accolades trying to devote my time to stand up and striking and cage time as well as focus on mat time competing against people who were focused solely on IBJJF rulesets and becoming #1 ranked in their Jiu Jitsu divisions, and had never thrown a punch in their life. It was my choice, and I couldn’t complain on measuring up to devoted time for each. But then I look back and realize that I have reached the podium at every single one of the majors I have been able to attend when they didn’t coincide with an MMA fight. While this is a huge accomplishment, especially given I was trying to balance two high-level sports congruently, I somehow always end up downplaying it. I’ll elaborate further.
As a tiny, upper belt female, my brackets tend to be on the smaller side. Meaning I have only had to win 1, maybe 2 matches to make the podium, or sometimes not at all depending on the size of the brackets or with the bye. I remember one time I made the podium at Pans because my first opponent was a no-show and I lost my second match by an advantage and felt I didn’t deserve that spot on the podium at all when I compare myself to my husband who has crazy stacked brackets and can win 3 matches in a row and still not make the podium. I am angry with myself that although I have podiumed every single time, the only time I have made it to the top a was at a really big IBJJF (technically an Open) was in Vegas at the Jiu Jitsu Con at Purple belt in the adult division which you think would be harder than Master’s where I have taken 2nd and 3rd. I have won a couple title belts in MMA and am still not happy when everything is said and done. And even with all of my podium finishes and over 3 years at brown belt, I have heard people say I didn’t deserve my brown belt because I never won worlds at brown belt like my husband did, but placed third instead. Third place at a world championship level against some of the absolute best in the world just wasn’t good enough. Yet 12 days after receiving my black belt, I placed 3rd in Pans, only losing to the eventual 1st place finisher who also happens to be ranked 1st in the world for all M1 female black belts at any weight class. But still, I get down on myself.
One thing I have always done, especially for both MMA and BJJ, especially at the majors and world championship level events is never give up. A black belt I have always respected, in fact, the very person who helped me start this blog, once had a long talk with me about how there is a part that exists within every person that is okay with not continuing the fight, and that some people just have a much smaller, almost minuscule part of that than others. In my white and blue belt days, it was bigger. At local comps I could be way down on points and maybe accept the lost cause of being able to rebound from that. I wouldn’t give up, but maybe being okay with not fighting metaphorically “to the death”, or at least not at a local competition. In the past few years with cage fights and big Jiu Jitsu events, ya girl goes absolutely ham. Doesn’t matter what the score or the time says, I will always go out on my shield. I have never tapped in a fight or a major competition (of course if I was ever in serious danger, I definitely would; no one is saying to get something broken or pass out if you are legitimately caught, but sometimes you need to fight the immediate urge to panic), but if there was a fighting chance, I always gave myself the chance to the fight. After all, I had busted my butt working so hard either in a fight camp or preparing for a world championship, didn’t I owe it to myself, didn’t I deserve to not relinquish to an immediate tap at the first sign of exhaustion or discomfort? Sometimes, you have to want it badly enough to grit your teeth and fight like hell. If it were easy, the world would be full of champions.
I have lost plenty of times, but this doesn’t discredit the many, many times I have also won. In fact, it has made me hungrier for those wins. Especially the times I have either come really close to the top to miss out by a fraction, or else to lose immediately in round one by a grievous mistake. These are the times I have decided to stop saying I am not good enough and chosen to focus on saying “next time, I will be better.” I know I can do it and it’s as simple as that. I think shifting my focus and my mindset has helped me tremendously. The past few times I have competed, it felt like a huge weight has lifted off of my shoulders and all of my nerves evaporated. It became thrilling, exhilarating, and fun all at once. To trust my abilities to know I put the time into my training and my cardio, my tenacity and fervor to rely on my capabilities, and my willingness and courage to never give up even when things get tough made me realize that it’s just a match and I know the things to do. Everyone has bad days, everyone loses, sometimes we are just off, but one bad day never means I am not good enough. At the end of the day, I absolutely love competition and I am so excited for the next one and to keep pushing myself. I just really hope one day these knees will be good enough to get on those podiums again!
