I worked so hard growing up never to stand out. I wanted to blend right in so I wouldn’t be differentiated and then subjected to scrutiny and ridicule. Never alone, but always amongst others where I could camouflage myself in the crowd. Early on in childhood, I pushed hard to excel and stand out. Then, all my peers began to hit puberty and I was woefully delayed and under developed. It was exceptionally embarrassing in comparison to my more voluptuous girlfriends, and I wanted nothing more than to never be noticed, as I knew it would lead to bullying. When you stand out, you have the attention of others, and oftentimes, become an easy target. These self esteem issues followed my mentality even as I flourished into young adulthood. Though my appearance had now exceeded my expectations, I was still constantly worried about veering too far from the norm of the crowd, and having others tease me. I didn’t think I was mentally strong enough to withstand any negative comments thrown my way. Even now, I love being the person to help others, but I know that means putting myself out there, which inevitably means I will undoubtedly get some hate. Universal popularity is an impossibly lofty goal, and simply nonexistent. I love the phrase that you can be the juiciest peach in the world, and there will still be someone out there who hates peaches. Boy, are they missing out.
It’s crazy how 98 out of 100 people can say great things to me, but if I know about the 2 spewing hate or dislike, that’s all I seem to be able to focus on. So why is it that I keep putting myself out there with publishing my inner thoughts and feelings? Because to me, if it helps even just one person, it makes it worth it. You never know who’s day you’re making, or even whose life you may be saving. Sometimes one small gesture or a few kind words means the world to an individual. I was touched by a few people I came in contact with this past weekend at the IBJJF in Atlanta, so even the ones that crossed my path that I knew curried disfavor my way, couldn’t penetrate my skin. It’s these tiny, fleeting moments, where someone takes 30 seconds out of their day to tell me they like something I wrote, that has me walking on cloud 9 the remainder of the time. I’m simply getting too old to surround myself with any one other than tried and true people. There are too many people as of late that will be there for you, but only as it suits them. Selfish tendencies with a ‘me first’ mentality. If I have to constantly watch my back out of fear to one day find a knife lodged betwixt my ribs, then I’d rather cut you out now. My word is my bond, and I’ll be loyal to the utmost degree, so it pains me deeply to know I was used as a leverage pawn in a game to benefit you above all else. Sacrifice isn’t for everyone though, and I can’t expect me out of other people. Still sucks though.
It helps a lot to do some self reflection, and therapy is such a great tool for that. I can learn myself better and why my subconscious haunts my dreams, or why I let certain things get under my skin and feel the hurt so deeply. I’ve learned to recognize when I’m the problem, and focus on my own goals and aspirations rather than hoping karma befalls others. We are all on our own individual journeys, and I want my life to mean something. I’ve already been blessed tenfold when it comes to love, so truly, what more can I want? My vows were so true when it came to love and honor, cherish and obey, through the good times and the bad, in sickness and in health, till death do we part. So yeah, I’m doing pretty okay. I truly believe that everyone can benefit from a little self-reflection or even therapy from time to time. I have definitely needed an outside perspective to understand when I was in the wrong, or how what I did or said could have been misconstrued in a way I did not intend. In fact, my partner recently told me that I sometime come off as unapproachable, and he’s right. I have been burned one too many times and built up these walls that require unabashed demolition in order to break down. I am working on presenting myself in a more amicable manner, because I don’t want to give off the wrong impression or have others hesitant to speak to me.
Of course I’d love for karma to be true, but sometimes bad things do happen to good people and sometimes the bad guy wins in the end. This isn’t cinema and there’s not always a denouement. I can’t sit around forever waiting for the person who has done bad things to get their ‘just desserts.’ But what I can do is focus on myself and my journey, and hope that I am imparting more good into this world through my existence. The less I focus on what is happening to others or what others are doing, the more at peace with the world I become, and it is quite a nice feeling. Because as much as I say I don’t let these things or these people get to me, I’m lying. I’m too human with too many human emotions for that to be true and I can’t help being hurt by the things that have happened to me. Fortunately, now that I am older, I have embraced being okay with standing out from the crowd. I no longer try to make myself small and blend in with the background. If I want to make an impact, I’m going to have to differentiate myself from the masses, and yes, that means learning to handle the scrutiny that comes with it. A responsibility I would have failed at in my formative teen years, but one that I take pride in for my adulthood. To do good and to accomplish great things means sometimes being solo. After all, the cheese stands alone, but you know what? Sometimes that is a very gouda place to be.
