It’s been a rough week, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I really hate to complain when I feel exceptionally fortunate to be able to pursue my dreams and strive for great accomplishments, but this does not mean an overworked, burnt out feeling ever escapes me or that every day I wake up feeling ready to tackle any task and conquer the world. Sometimes, all I want to do is pull the blankets over my head and lie there all day until my problems dissipate. Sadly, this is not how life works and I need to muster up the courage and strength to get on with my day even when I feel like an absolute pile of gorilla poo. And then I tend to replay every single mistake I make over and over in my head until I harbor resentment for the lackluster athlete I am presenting. I know there are certain aspects I am improving on, but often times, I only focus on the bad and can’t seem to ever think I am doing things right. The worst is when I carry this sentiment over in my day to day life and just feel like a burden to those around me. I wonder why people like me or even love me when sometimes I don’t even like myself very much. This is a main reason why I often times run myself ragged making myself available for others and doing different acts of service (like cooking and cleaning for people) because I’m secretly fearful that if I didn’t provide these tasks, I would be of no use to anyone and there wouldn’t be a need for me in their lives. Sometimes, I hate how mean to myself I can be.
Fortunately, there exists a very simple way to shift my perspective, such as with the littlest acts of kindness having a huge impact on our day. I remember last week after literally getting my ass beat in training all day, feeling like I couldn’t do anything right, and every joint, muscle, and ligament screaming in a painful protest, I was exceptionally down in a funk. Then I got a notification on my phone from my partner’s daughter. All it entailed was a 4 second snapchat clip of her sipping a slurpee and laughing, and I swear on all that is good in life that it completely made my day better. I didn’t even realize how much I needed something like that until it popped up in my inbox. This is why it’s so important to always practice kindness and empathy to each other, you never know the struggles and battles someone is facing and sometimes a simple smile can go a long way. Yeah, I deal with an influx of feelings and a nagging voice in my head always critiquing my performance and telling me I’m not good enough. Add on top of that the pains I suffer through from putting my body through turmoil day in and day out, but at the end of the day, I live a great life. Nothing beats the family I have and I am incredibly lucky to claim the loved ones I do. They help me every singe day in positive self talk and not letting the doubts and negativity emanating from my own brain to creep its way in.
It’s easy for people to relate to when they deal with a multitude of mental illnesses or struggle with putting too much pressure on themselves or being exceptionally down when they fail to execute a task perfectly. However, I am sure it’s harder for people who don’t understand this emotional deficit to relate to. There are people out there who probably wonder how someone who deals with these constant mental battles and struggles could be a professional athlete, let alone a fighter, and then there are others who are simply ignorant to this Achilles heel and would simply wonder why I don’t just stop being sad. Well gee, if only I had thought of that! All of my problems and self doubt would be cured! Personally, I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing that I am always striving for the highest of achievements and denigrate my ineptitudes, but I do think I need to find a healthier way of coping when and if I fall short. The harshness I tend to drown myself in is doing nothing but bringing down my mood and carrying over into my personal matters, and it’s not fair for me to place the burden of my sanity, happiness, and complacency on the shoulders of others. This is something I must learn to produce from within.
Self care and rest days are exceptionally beneficial, not just to help your body and muscles recover and relax, but also to give your mind a reset as well. If I push myself constantly and don’t take any time to unwind, I tend to become overwhelmed with stress and pressure until I crack under the weight of it all. I know that I personally am really bad dealing with feelings of guilt if I’m not constantly putting in work. I always wonder if resting or taking a day off will be detrimental in the long run and I worry about my opponents training if I am taking time resting. This is probably the worst habit I have, where instead of shutting my brain off and allowing myself to enjoy the rest, I feel guilty the whole time and therefore never truly relax. This is the complete opposite of what would be conducive to my mental and physical health and therefore, all I am doing is setting myself back in terms of recovery. Y’all ever just sit there and be like “why am I like this?” And yet you continue to repeat the same negative patterns of toxicity and bad repetitions of behavior. I just wish I could wake up one day and have my shit together instead of flailing through life like a wacky wavy inflatable arm man.
I am so thankful for the people in my life who help guide me back to sanity when my emotions have me drifting over the deep end. I’ll be the first to say I have never been open to the idea of being around kids and the thought of babies and children has always terrified me. Yet nothing in life will bring me joy and fulfill my heart as much as watching my partner’s kids be happy and having a good time. Even when I am having an off day or harbor a lot of anger towards myself for not performing as well as I think I should, they always make me happy and I can’t even begin to describe the love I have for them. Even when I am thoroughly annoyed by my DP, as will happen in any relationship, they will always be a shining light in my life. Every day, I am a work in progress, and if I am not working on being a better fighter and athlete, I will always work on being a better partner, parental figure, friend, coach, student, teammate, and human being. Sure, there are a lot of areas in which I fall short, and I am not just talking about my vertical stature. But I recognize my inadequacies and will work on rectifying and bettering them and perhaps not being so cruel to myself when I am still struggling. I recognize that I will never truly be perfect, and coming to peace with those terms will serve me a great deal of mental reprieve. I am enjoying this journey I have taken in life, and I am exceptionally excited to see how much further I can go.
