Ah-hem- *Puts on my Akon voice* “Cuz I’m locked up. They won’t let me out. No they won’t let me out. I’m locked up.” This whole damn virus pandemic has all of us feeling like we are locked up in a penitentiary cell without a scheduled date of release and it is exceptionally aggravating. I am so sick of reading and hearing about Covid-19, social distancing, and quarantines at every single turn. I’m about ready for someone to bake a nail file in a cupcake and bust me out of this joint. And on top of all that, my cell mates are also losing their minds. Yesterday, my bunkmate drank out of the toilet bowl as if he was going to find some hooch hidden in there and inebriate himself (my bunkmate is my dog, Cowboy). I understand all of these stipulations and rules and regulations are in place for a safety protocol, but the uncertainty of how long all of this will last and the impact it is having on everyone’s day to day lives is enough to drive us all bananas Gwen Stefani style. Humans aren’t meant to live prolonged periods of isolation, with minimal social interaction, and the consummation of impending gloom will seep into the minds of all of us should we be forced to keep this up for an extended period of time.
Times like this, I can understand why Johnny Cash shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. I’ve got the Jiu Jitsu prison blues and I feel guilty complaining when others in this situation are worse off, but I am trying my hardest to avoid being stagnant during these times. The whole world is basically on pause, but life is still slowly trickling by with basic necessities still needing to be met. It is very fortunate that we live in this era of rampant developing technologies and can still keep up socially through various apps and other networking sites. We can communicate with others in the blink of an eye, but it is definitely vastly different than face to face interaction. I’m greedily watching BJJ tutorials like a crack fiend shaking uncontrollably at the prospect of longing for his next fix. I can’t believe I actually miss the sweat of a lumbering giant of a man dripping all over my face as I furiously try to hip escape from underneath his massive frame. It’s getting to the point where I’m about to tangle up myself in my bed sheets just to reminisce about what being entwined in a lapel choke feels like.
I’m wondering if I should start keeping a series of entries to put into the Corona Diaries. 8 am- contemplate existence, 9 am- coffee and breakfast, 10 am- mild anxiety attack, 11 am- exercise via the use of everyday household objects, and so on and so forth. Maybe some genius out there will create something wonderful to help us deal with all of this while we are in the throes of major boredom. After all, necessity is the mother of invention. I can’t express how vital fresh air and a change of pace whilst we are in cahoots with such incredulous monotony day in and day out. Sure, it’s very easy to roll out of bed and choose to not put on pants, but if we continue this routine of freeing our buttcheeks 24/7, we will cease to invigorate our minds, I’ve always been under the impression that there is almost nothing a hot shower and a change of clothes can fix. It feels good and lifts our spirits. Clutter and mess breed anxiety and it is often necessary to disrupt the mundane flow and clean up ourselves first before we tackle the rest of the world. Drink that water, soothe your soul, do some light cardio, and eat a balanced meal. This is even more crucial during these times than throughout any other moment in our lives. I can’t help but worry and fear for all those I am afraid might be suffering while in these home lockdowns.
So now that we are all stuck in these temporary prisons, I can’t help but think that this is by far the worst ‘Orange is the New Black’ episode I have ever seen. When can I hire Wentworth Miller to bust me out of this joint? How much are cigarettes worth in isolation these days, and how many packets of ramen do I need to trade to get someone to be my prison bitch? These are the things no one teaches you in school and life skills are now reigning far superior on the list of priorities to get through these difficult times. Although apparently many of us missed out on the lesson called properly washing your damn hands you filthy heathens. It’s an unfortunate reality that we seem to live in a very selfish world these days and perhaps this is the main reason we find ourselves enmeshed into this current predicament. Maybe Mother Earth is trying to heal herself and we are the malignancy making her ill. See what happens when you are cooped up for too long? Your mind wanders and you get bombarded with intrusive, strange thoughts like imagining human beings as little tumors poisoning the place in which they reside. Or perhaps I am only going insane because of the incessant playing of ‘Friends’ in the background and I want to punch every single one of those characters in their smug little privileged faces. Dang, I really need Jiu Jitsu.
I’m just sitting on my couch wondering when the musical ensemble for my prison kicks in. Elvis had me thinking people would be busting out with saxophones every five seconds and a Jailhouse Rock would ensue. And don’t even get me started on Chicago. A little Cell Block Tango sure would liven things up right now. And I am sure there are plenty of murderesses right now lying in wait, ready to strike against their husbands while they are trapped together in their homes. Pop, Six, Squish, Uh-huh, Cicero, Lipschitz! Coronavirus: The Musical, honestly has so much potential that it practically writes itself. From the character who never realized how much they truly loathed their family, to the martial artist who can’t vent out their frustrations at the gym, to the man reveling at his delight for not needing a reason to change his underwear daily. It will definitely be interesting to see how all of this gets documented in history for generations to come. Or even to see how this infringes upon all of us just in the days to come as well. In the meantime, everyone can keep noshing on their prison gruel, having designated time in the yard, and learning the hierarchy of the ranked order of inmates in the criminal justice system. I definitely prefer a gi over the black and white striped ensemble, because I ain’t no fighting zebra. I can’t wait to break out of these chains and start heel hooking everyone in my path. Stay safe friends.
A little art therapy to help the days pass by