When I write these blogs, I like to imagine myself akin to Carrie Bradshaw a la Sex and the City, but I probably more accurately resemble Oscar the Grouch, clacking annoyingly away at my keyboard from the trash can that is my life. I’m dumped on. A lot. At work, at home, on the mats, in the gym etc. It comes with the territory. While some days I’m quite adept at handling it, other days I want to sink beneath the surface while the excrement piles up. These are the days that I tell myself that in order to blossom and thrive, you need to take the shit. After all, that is what facilitates growth in the harvest, right? Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my life, I really do. I just think that sometimes I forget that I’m human and take on a lot, too much perhaps, and the world sees me “handling it” and thinks it can add to my already heaping plate of arduous tasks and responsibilities. I honestly want to chuck that plate at a wall and toss it all into what I deem my “f*ck it bucket.” Unfortunately for me, that’s not how life works and with a heavy mind and exasperated sigh, I get ready to do what needs to be done.
When it comes to Jiu Jitsu, we are often told that we must learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable, and how ironic that this is exceptionally applicable to life as well. My 5’0 115 lb frame is all too familiar with the feelings of discomfort. When a 250 lb flailing white belt man with exceptional strength is smothering you from the top, it can often feel like you’re drowning slowly while clamoring desperately to inhale oxygen as his skin covers your nose and throat and chokes your every breath. Perfect metaphor for life. I’m only 27 and will be the first to admit that I’m about as adept at handling life as a reality tv star is at being a politician, but that’s a blog post for another day. However, when it comes to Jiu Jitsu, it took until me being a purple belt that I was able to be okay with the helpless feeling that comes all too often with being trapped beneath a much larger adversary. Now after approximately 5 years of daily training, the large spazzy white belts no longer pose an incredible difficulty to me, but the strong 2-3 stripe blue belts are another story. Sometimes my technique isn’t enough to counter the strength of someone where our skill levels aren’t too far apart, but you know what? That’s okay. It only strengthens me physically and mentally and makes me an overall better competitor. But man, did it take some time for me to learn to be okay with that feeling. However, now I can apply that to my life as well and know all these rough patches will only strengthen me in the long run.
It’s crazy to me how people can look at me on the outside and see a tough, strong, and fearless person. I swear my inner monologue is nothing but an anxiety riddled mess, constantly battling tears and screams. You see a regal and composed adult. I see 2007 Britney Spears, bald and rabidly chasing after paparazzi with an umbrella. I’ve been told a few times lately that I’m an inspiration, but I feel so unworthy of such an accolade. I screw up all the time. I anger and upset people, I lash out emotionally, I cause sadness, instigate stress, and berate myself for not being perfect (in life, at work, in the gym, and in competition.) Social media is the highlight reel of our lives, but my blooper real is significantly larger. I want to be so much better than I am and it bothers me that I’m not exceeding the expectations I set for myself and instead, am struggling to simply meet them. I’m not comfortable being uncomfortable in life like I am on the mats and I wish some magic pill existed to cure me of this feeling. Alas, I know the only thing that will help is experience, which unfortunately, only comes with age and I am currently too young to be good at this life thing just yet. Although I did pluck a 4 inch pure grey hair from my scalp yesterday so hopefully I’m well on my way to some aging wrinkled wisdom.
I’m not helpless on the mats when I’m trapped beneath someone 3 times my size with 4 times as much strength. I can rely on my training and my adaptability at overcoming that feeling of inability. It gives me hope that one day I can be just as capable in life. I really like structure and organization which is why I think the disembodied chaos that accompanies life can be so frustrating on my psyche. There is no underhook to back take to help me escape a smothering situation in reality and I sure as hell can’t finagle away to berimbolo my problems away. Nothing but the sheer willpower to persevere and succeed can aid me in this journey. To those I love that I have hurt, I am truly sorry. I will work on being better every day and I hope you don’t give up on me or that your patience wears too thin. To those I’ve hurt in the cage or on the mats, go screw yourselves, you signed up for this. Just kidding of course! Nothing but love (usually).
I’m learning that it’s okay to be sensitive and empathetic and have emotions. Those we can’t control. What’s not okay is to allow these emotions to dictate our lives and sabotage both our happiness, and the happiness and sanity of someone else. Growth and comfort do not coexist. Struggles and suffering either facilitate change or enable excuses. An amazing man once told me who are we to allow our minds to tell our bodies that we have had enough and can give up? He may have been stating this while coaching a training session in BJJ, but dammit, if this isn’t exceptionally applicable to life as well. We can either step forward into growth or step backward into safety, but these are choices we must live with and I, for one, would never be able to live with the fact that I relented in training or in reality. And if I need to take some shit along the process, then that’s fine because as much as it may stink, I know it will fertilize my growth in the long run. No matter what the situation is, I will learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable, and for that reason, I will reach my full potential and settle for nothing less than that.
Me being comfortable in one of my many uncomfortable positions from competition last weekend, photo courtesy of CAM Photos & Design