When Your Ego is Straight Bullshido

There are so many gyms with signs and posters plastered right up front detailing some basic mat rules and gym courtesies. They will say things such as proper mat etiquette with your teammates and coaches (inning up by rank or bowing onto the mats as per tradition), helpful hygiene advice to follow (i.e. keeping the nails trimmed, washing your gi with every use, advocating the use of deodorant etc.), and even certain helpful quips about being open to learning and having fun and showing respect. 99% of these posters also usually have something in there about leaving your ego at the door and resisting the urge to not tap in order to preserve fragility of feeling defeated. It happens all of the time; people holding out far too long and risking injury all because they feel some microscopic facet of embarrassment when relenting to a tap out. Face it, as much as none of us like to admit it, we are all imbued with a bit of ego, whether infinitesimally small or astronomical large, and it is up to us to curb that less than ideal character trait and reign in our emotions in order to maintain some semblance of self-preservation.

Sometimes, the ego is obvious. The bigger guy going balls to the wall in each grappling round in the gym out of fear of being perceived as weaker or less than. The upper belt who, when caught in a precarious submission from a lesser-ranked individual, starts to coach them to alleviate the anguish and shame they feel about being bested by someone they believed shouldn’t be able to. (Spoiler alert, the belt rank isn’t always accurately indicative of skill level, as sometimes these blue belts are slick as hell with a long athletic background resume. If anything, the belt is meant to keep your gi top closed, and placing too much emphasis and reverence on color can hinder your growth). Other times, ego is slightly less obvious. It can be the person who buries their emotions deep down inside of them until flooding a cascade of tears released in the post-practice shower because they feel like their progress is at a standstill and they should be performing much better than they have been. Or it is the person who is hesitant to tap on non-actual Jiu Jitsu moves that someone is muscling through rather than being technical and they try to assuage their guilt by proclaiming tapping would only encourage improper Jiu Jitsu rather than people learning how to actually get the move they were trying to attempt. (It’s me, I’m persons).

There is only one guarantee that occurs when we let our ego stand in the way, and that is delaying our progress to learn and improve. Sometimes it even results in more catastrophic results, such as avoidable injuries and chronic pain. Looking at all of us with perpetually inflamed elbows from arm bars we tried fighting out of at practice when no gold medals are handed out. Or sore rotator cuffs from muscling through various kimura grips. Stubbornness and ego often go hand in hand, and as much as we may try to convince ourselves that this blog doesn’t apply to us, I promise it does, even if only in the minutest of ways. Peruse any online forum on platforms such as Reddit and Facebook, where there are subsets of groups solely dedicated to discussing Jiu Jitsu. You will see an influx of brand new blue belts sorely disappointed that the new 1 stripe white belt was able to hold them down and dominate. A blue belt is truly a drop in the bucket at the cataclysm of Jiu Jitsu in its entirety. I know that especially for us smaller women, who are nowhere near as strong as our male counterparts, will find ourselves getting caught if we make the tiniest mistakes or are caught slipping even for a split second. It happens. Just gotta learn to brush it off and let it roll off your back.

One thing that helps me a lot is competition. I know that my teammates in the gym are not my competition, and the challenges they bring to the table will only help me improve and keep me from being to stagnant in this journey. It is why I also strongly advocate competition, especially to those struggling with an internal battle of their ego. This is because then they learn that the people in the gym aren’t their opponents, and they will refrain like treating every single practice round as if it’s the championship round in Abu Dhabi, learning how to be a more beneficial training partner. There is a reason certain people are avoided when it comes to drilling and rolling at the gym, and that is because they always have to win. Understandable if you are a white belt coming to terms with the sport, but completely unforgivable and reprehensible if this becomes a pattern for you at a colored belt. Stop and check yourself. If one person avoids you, it can be because of them. When it becomes more than one, then it becomes a pattern with the common denominator being you. Learn to lose in the gym and watch how your technique will improve because the better your setups, the easier the submissions, and the less brute force and exertion you have to apply. I have never taken a “wow I am so exhausted after rolling with you. You always make me work for the sub” from an upper belt as a compliment, because at 4 stripe brown, if you are a bigger guy than me and working that hard, you either better be brand new without a clue how to finesse your Jiu Jitsu, or you’re an egotistical moron.

As stated above, I wholly admit to being guilty of ego. whether that has been feeling bad about how much I “suck” at Jiu Jitsu that day, or refusing to tap to moves that aren’t necessarily BJJ moves, even when it hurts. What helped me a lot is watching my Professors and people I look up to in the gym have no qualms with tapping to anyone and everyone, regardless of size, gender, or rank if their technique happened to gain the upper hand in that roll. Another thing that helped was lasering in my focus to understand I am gearing up to compete in high level BJJ competitions and MMA matches, and I need to be safe and healthy to battle my actual adversaries, not Joe Schmo at the gym. And lastly, I had to learn to self-soothe my dumb brain when it would get its panties tied up in a bunch about how others perceived me. So what if random Peter at the dojo goes to work the next day to tell his buddies he beat a brown bet at the gym. I mean, I am sure he will leave out of the story that said brown belt happens to be a 5’0 120lb girl, but still. Who the eff cares. At the end of the day I am aiming to be on the top of the podium with 3 equal sized women, or in the cage with my hand raised against a fellow atom weight (105 lb individual). Our journey is our own, and the sooner we acquiesce any remnant of egotistical thoughts and actions, the better off we will all be.