One thing happens, then another, and then another. Slowly, things begin piling up, and all of a sudden you’re in a downward spiral that you can’t seem to control. The negative experiences seem to surmount, which lead to negative thinking, which then leads to feelings of discouragement, which then lead to isolation, which ultimately just makes things worse. Before you know it, you have found yourself in a deep hole overshadowed by so much darkness that it is impossible to find the light. While I feel guilty for complaining about anything when I have the most important aspect to my life and my happiness by being married to my husband, there are things lately that draw gloom to my heart. I have a lot of good health, (except when it comes to orthopedics.) I invest so much of my life and my personality in my sport, and my body is no longer able to keep up, I am almost at a loss for who I am as a person. I hate to say it, but so much of myself was tied up in MMA and fighting, that when I no longer could stand to do it, I started questioning my self-worth. Mentally, I felt to be at the pinnacle of my training, knowledge, and dedication to the sport. Physically, my grapefruit knee was a hairbreadth’s distance from requiring a total knee replacement (actually, it already does, save for the fact that my younger age makes me an undesirable candidate.) Fine, I thought. I’ll just throw myself into competitive Jiu Jitsu since I am able to compensate for my lack of supporting my weight on my feet by doing things on the ground.
Well, unfortunately when you put all of your weight onto your one “good” knee, (and I use the term ‘good’ quite loosely here as it is more ‘less bad’ than it is actually ‘good), you are bound to cause some issues due to overstrain. I decimated my IT band last July. I figured I was probably overdoing it, and decided to take some time off to focus on healing. After several months without any competitions, which was absolutely devastating to someone as active as myself, I jumped right back into things. And, I haven’t won a match since. Even as a brand new black belt, I was pulling off wins almost immediately. Then, after this little hiccup of a layoff, nada. And then I re-tore the IT band again at Pans anyway, so what’s even the point of taking time off? I know it’s incredibly stupid to place your value in wins and losses, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel like an absolute piece of shit these days. I don’t know why, but I just can’t seem to get it together as of late. I have never in my life gone this long without a single victory. What the fuck is wrong with me?
I don’t even feel like myself. There was maybe 1 match in the past 10 or so where I wasn’t abysmally disappointed with my performance, and that’s because I was competing up several weight classes and still managed a few things, until I tore the same tendon as before. Every other match, including my weight classes, I have fallen woefully short of expectations. The upsetting thing is, I know I am so much better than what I have shown. I am just making constant mistakes and I attribute some to the hesitancy with my main injury and accruing more injuries, some due to not having contestable training partners to mimic the size and skill level of future opponents, and some to having the mental equivalency of ‘the yips.’ Basically, performance anxiety. Sure, I always dealt with a bit of nerves in the past, but never to this extent or caliber. It never impeded my actions in ways it does now, or made my brain draw absolute blanks when it came to doing what I needed to be doing. I feel utterly dismayed with myself, and each time it happens, it keeps weighing me down more and more. I am spiraling.
After every single one of these recent failures, I had to restrain myself from screaming, berating myself, crying, thinking I was the world’s biggest piece of shit, hating every ounce of my being, and so on. I immediately wanted to run away, lock myself away from outside eyes, isolate and withdraw into solitude, and not see or speak to anyone. But how dangerous of an action and idea that would be. The feelings of inadequacy and lack of worth would quadruple in size if I were to be alone, and my mind would begin playing tricks on me by filling the void of silence with imagined words and derogatory insults. Rather than there realities of what is going on,I would begin assuming things people are thinking or saying about me instead, and my imagination would definitely choose the worst outcomes possible. Instead, I always make sure my eyes find my husband’s and I force myself to listen to his coaching, wisdom, and advice. This last time, I even asked him immediately afterward to go over some things with me, when all I wanted to do was leave everyone and everything behind. I knew that if I forced myself to stay and listen, and drown out those loud voices in my head, that I could keep myself from spiraling.
It’s dangerous when you begin to circle the drain. Eventually, you fall down those pipes unless outside intervention keeps you from falling or you find the strength to will yourself from going down. It’s so freaking hard though. It would be so much easier for me to spiral, and go down that drain, and drown beneath the surface. It’s much more difficult to find the courage to keep going and do it all again, knowing things might be different, or maybe even the same, but I won’t know unless I try. Maybe I am irrevocably stubborn in my willingness to keep competing, but I just can’t give it up. Not yet at least. I guess I am lucky to have such a great support system in my husband, my family, my friends, and my gym. Most importantly, myself. I have the utmost determination to never go down without a fight, to never give up, and know that I could never live with myself if I quit on something when I know I have more in me. It’s hard, it often sucks, but I will never relent. As long as I keep myself from spiraling, I can always climb out of whatever depressive hole is trying to silence me. Maybe give me a second to catch my breath, choke back the disappointment, and keep on keeping on. I may be down, but I am never out. Always willing to try again.
