What Was I Made For?

Listen, I caught myself watching Billie Eilish’s Oscar performance the other night, and it moved me tears. I had never listened to the song ‘What Was I Made For’ in its entirety, and when I was scrolling social media, her performance popped up on my feed, because I was not spending my Sunday watching over 3 hours of Hollywood elites kissing each other’s asses. I think every single one of us enters a point in our lives where we begin to question where do we go from here; basically an existential crisis. Maybe we are reflecting on our past, and wondering what happened to that person so full of hope and wonder and big dreams. Or we are at an impasse, and have no idea how our lives turned out the way that they did. Something we had so strongly envisioned for ourselves when we were younger and then all of a sudden our lives detoured into something completely different. Many times this can lead us feeling lost, or sad, or confused about what we’re even depressing over in the first place. Uncertainty is one of the scariest feelings imaginable.

So I found myself listening to this song, and had tears forming in my eyes as she sang in the song, “When did it end? All the enjoyment. I’m sad again, don’t tell my boyfriend.” And all of this alludes to a person who conceals their melancholy emotions from the closest people in their life whom they care about. We all get confused from time to time about why we feel the way that we feel, and many times have no idea on where we can go from here. I know that personally there have been periods of time where I was down in the dumps, but couldn’t understand why. I was unsure of things, or had built up anxiety about the future, and all of the what-if’s began wreaking turmoil in my brain.

This entire song was inspired by a plastic Mattel doll, and written for the Barbie movie. Barbie symbolizes a lot of the trials and tribulations many women endure. Feeling used, or put on for show, or even paid for. None of these things are authentic, and can even make someone feel fake or cheap. Then you begin to wonder why you went from feeling on top of the world, to feeling like you are drowning under the weight of everything around you. Suffocating in a sea of sadness, harboring concerns about not living up to expectations or your full potential, and even being angry at yourself for feeling these raw emotions. Were you meant to stay in your tiny plastic box, or to break out and lead a movement? Life is full of questions and uncertainties, and however we choose to act (or not act) and answer those questions, can alter the course of our lives forever.

It all boils down to our ultimate question in this life: what is the purpose? Specifically, what is OUR purpose? What are the things we are meant for, and is there such a thing as destiny? Though we fall down, are we supposed to stay down or are we supposed to find a reason to get back up? What is my purpose that I serve in this life, and do I have the strength and the courage to fulfill my destiny. Am I doing the right things? Making the right choices? Helping others in the ways in which I, too, would want to be helped. I was not and am not meant to be stuck on a shelf with other forgotten toys, a pretty doll to just look at that collects dust over time. If anything, I was the Kate McKinnon weird Barbie, always unapologetically myself and not afraid to march to the beat of my own drum. The world is full of people refusing to be ordinary, and it is wonderful.

When I come to the culmination of my life, hopefully far off in my future, I hope with all of my heart that by then I will have the complete answer to knowing what I was made for. Heck, even now after writing these blogs over the last several years, I have been reached out to by quite a few people where my words had an impact. Sure, it has been a cathartic release for me to vent out all of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, happy or sad, on my Macbook. But to know that my words have helped others with their lives, or in knowing they are not alone, has been one of the my proudest accomplishments. It may not mean much to some, but to a person like me who has words of affirmation as their love language, it has meant everything. I do not care if it’s just one person I have helped, or even thousands, but knowing that alone has made the exposed vulnerability all those years ago worth it. And just like the ending of those lyrics to that beautiful song, even if I am not happy now, knowing that this is a temporary feeling and that one day I have the ability to be happy, is always a fantastic reminder to knowing my story isn’t over just yet.