Life is so damn fragile, it boggles my mind. I am so guilty of letting trivial bullshit get to me and wear me down only to be slapped in the face by a daily dose of reality every time I check the news. A beloved public figure shocking dying after privately fighting a mysterious illness, a school shooting resulting in the end of young and innocent lives, and people being incredibly ugly to one another over the current state of the political climate. And yet I wake up and want to complain because I can’t sleep with the constant pain pulsating through my knee. I would deal with that discomfort and excruciating, nagging pain every day of my life if it ensured by loved ones would always be safe and protected. One day, people are here with us, and then in the blink of an eye, gone, just like that. And absolutely none of it is fair. I watch evil last for decades, clinging to every lingering second of life, and wither away at ripe old ages while the good die young. The more years you are fortunate enough to spend on this earth, the more people you lose, and it can really help to start putting things into perspective and also take its toll. That last Jiu Jitsu match or that last cage fight mean nothing without my health, happiness, stability in life, and the people whom I love and the ones that love me back. These are the things that truly matter.
It really is a shame when people refuse to let bygones be bygones, or they just can not seem to let go of the past. Nobody in this world is immune to making mistakes, and facing the repercussions of those choices, but to dwell trivial matters relentlessly when there are things so much more important in life is extremely disappointing. All the years wasted deterring and rebuffing someone because of some perceived grievance is time you can’t get back. And for what? A minuscule argument and some hurt feelings? Don’t live with the regret of waiting too long to repair relationships, because one day someone is perfectly fine and then you are only one day, one hour, one minute, or one second from never hearing from them ever again. Maybe I am just going through some sort of mental crisis with the losses of several people close to me lately and the fragility of life is starting to weigh heavily on my mind. Sure, there are some people I am perfectly content with never rebuilding a relationship with ever again but there are others whom my heart aches every single day with the longing of wanting things to go back to how they once were, and my soul won’t ever feel complete without them again.
I used to think I always wanted to be alone and independent because I was so strong-willed. But deep down, it was actually because I was scared; scared of the pain that comes with being hurt when someone you love leaves or breaks that trust. I didn’t ever want to put myself in a situation where I would become vulnerable due to emotional investment, so I had the mindset it was better to be alone where the only person I had to rely on was myself. I figured that in every zombie apocalypse movie, loving others made you weak and that is what got you killed, so I put up walls and built barriers and became harshly bitter when I was still so young. Any time I had tried to venture out of that tiny box I constructed for myself, I was victimized and hurt by shitty people, and I vowed to myself ‘never again’. But I didn’t realize how much true joy and happiness I was depriving myself of and deep connections with other people, and there is a reason these bonds filled with love are one of the top tiers in the psychology of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. It is vital for humankind to engage in social interaction and to love and be loved by others to constitute healthy growth and a happy life. I could not imagine my life now without being open to have said yes when my husband first asked me out on a whim.
I’m not going to lie, grief and emotional pain have hurt me far worse than any singular physical injury I have ever attained or endured. I’ve always been a highly vivd dreamer, and sometimes I am haunted by the memories of the people who visit me in my dreams that have long departed this world. Sometimes, it produces a pleasant and calming euphoric effect, but other times the waves of grief crash over me so hard, I am left as a shell of myself the next several waking hours as my heart is heavy with missing my loved ones. Time I can’t get back but yet I crave hearing their voices or feeling their embrace once more. And what hurts even worse is when I grieve the people that are still living, but either no longer truly alive (i.e. addiction or health issues) or the ones that have severed relationships when I still miss them. I believe in the time it takes to grieve, and though they say time heals all wounds, I know deep down that is a lie. They never go away completely and it is impossible to ever ‘get over’ the death of such loved ones; all that time does is make it easier to take it minute by minute as your wounds begin to scar over. \You always hear that life is unfair, but you can’t really fathom how painful it is with all that occurs, but needs to be take one day at a time. It can be so very wonderful as well, and I love the hell out of all the good things that have happened, that help put the things that matter into perspective. Treasure the time that you have because while grieving is necessary, it still sucks. Mend what you can before it is too late, and enjoy the people you do have.
A poem about believing in the grieving process, titled ‘Quietly I Grieve’:
Do you miss me? Think of me? Wonder how I’m doing?
Have you long since departed? Escaped what’s ensuing?
Or are you still here, and holding onto hurt?
No longer speaking, until one of us is in dirt.
I know you’re in pain, and you won’t relent.
But we won’t get the time back once it’s been spent.
Is it worth not repairing? A relationship worth mending?
There’s still enough time, for a happy ending.
People are here one day, and gone the very next.
No time for goodbyes, a hug or a text.
Tragedy can strike, and then it’s too late.
To allow what was so loved, now turned into hate.
I’m sorry for those that I have caused any pain.
I won’t let my pride be the emotion to reign.
I’ll apologize and cry, and feel it deep to my core.
I’ll do whatever it takes, to see you once more.
Things I wish I could say to those no longer here.
But I was too late, something I still fear.
Life is too short to dwell on things that don’t matter.
Even glue exists for the things that will shatter.
But not if no effort for reparations are made.
Not if refusals of debts to be paid.
Things still can get better, I want to believe.
But for now I’ll just weep, quietly as I grieve.