I compete all the time, but my dumb ass seems to have had a mental block lately when it comes to turning on that different mindset so that it transcends from training, to competition. It’s hard; not everyone has that championship mentality switch that they can turn on and off at a moments notice. Then, other people seem to be so eloquently good at knowing how to activate that superpower and go into competition mode with all neurons rapidly firing. It’s hard not to harbor a little bit of envy when you meet these people who know how to train smoothly for competition and then can amplify it up when it comes to the time to do so. Not sure what mental blocks and barricades I possess that have me struggling with the ability to activate that switch, but frankly, I am sick of it. My training has felt so incredible lately, where I am fortunate enough to be able to utilize different skillsets and pull of various feats as I work. So why am I having such difficulty transcending this into the moments where it counts? Frankly, it’s depressing.
For some reason, today I woke up so angry at myself. Disgusted at my lack of winning record when I am so much more than that. Saddened at what I believe is a slow progression in weight loss as I embark on another cut to atom weight, and overall just upset that I am not where I want to be on my professional fight and Jiu Jitsu journey. I hate how ugly to myself I am being and all of the negative thoughts and words I called myself in the mirror today. Comparison is the thief of all joy and I find myself comparing the person I am to others who have achieved more success in competition, popularity, and appearance. Why am I not doing as well as I know I am capable of? Why do I keep making stupid little mistakes and accruing setback after setback? Why do I look like this? I don’t know. I guess sometimes our mind plays cruel tricks on us.
When it comes to competition preparation, I know exactly what to do and I work hard as fuck in order to do it. I don’t take the easy way, I don’t cut corners, I don’t lie in bed wondering why opportunities don’t come knocking because I am always chasing after it. Even when I don’t have something on the immediate horizon, I am still constantly in the gym working to improve. Staying ready so that I don’t have to get ready. But then this also makes me feel like such a chump when even with all of this practice and preparations, I still fall short because I can’t seem to pull the trigger. I worry too much about what others think and fear they believe I am not working nearly as hard as it appears since I can’t seem to find myself in the ‘win’ column as of late. What’s even worse is I am not losing by making mistakes that others are capitalizing on, but simply because I haven’t been able to pull that trigger that catapults me into the finisher that I know I am. Everything keeps getting left up to the judges, and that just ain’t me. I am judging myself enough already, so why allow that option for anyone else?
I guess today I need to dust off these ‘woe is me’ feelings and just buck the fuck up. My day started off kind of rough, but I am determined to make it better. Life is far too short to allow these negative emotional states and depressive feelings take over for more than necessary. It’s okay to not always be 100%,but for me personally, it is not okay to stay this way because I have too much to do and a job that needs to get done, so I try and do the things that bring me joy, like cooking, hot yoga, and my fine ass husband. It’s only up from here and though I still have a long way to go, I am learning to appreciate every integral part of this journey, even the hard days, because that makes the reward so much better. Even though this day is truly and honestly pissing me the fuck off and I just want to wake up and have it be tomorrow already, I’ll do my best to not cry anymore about it and just swallow these feelings because people don’t want to be around the bitchy sad person anyway. As exhausting as it is to always be okay for others, I know as my responsibility to lead, that sometimes I just have to keep pushing. The motivation doesn’t always come first, but the feel good and satisfactory feelings always follow the hard work, and that is exactly what I am chasing. So here’s to activating that trigger in my brain to go out there and adapt that competitive mindset henceforth.
