Throughout life, I have attempted to try my best. With friendships, relationships, academics, and competition. I’ve accomplished some things, but without a doubt, not one day goes by where I am sure I could have done better. Tried harder. Worked harder. Stopped making excuses. Achieved better results. But I’m a nobody in a sea full of much more accomplished fish with a wide array of notoriety. I’ve tried “hard” and for what? To be chewed up and spit on and shit on by countless people? To be good but not good enough? To have a losing professional record when, my god, I am so much better than that, I just haven’t been able to bring my training on display when it counts most. They don’t tell you how painful life can be as you grow up. The countless disappointments and failures, heartbreaks and betrayals, feeling lost, like a loser, like you don’t matter. I don’t even know why I’m confessing all of this, because I am sure this all just makes me sound broken and defeated and ready to give up and give in. But there’s a part of me deep down that burns like a flame ready to imitate an inferno with the tiniest of sparks. I’m not done yet, and if anything, I am all that much more motivated to keep going and prove the naysayers (and those wishing for my failures) wrong.
I wish there was a handbook to life, that would help me navigate the difficult and tumultuous waters that thrash me around in waves, ready to drown me as I struggle to catch my breath. God forbid you ever talk about the turmoil and internal conflicts you struggle with and the world is ready to cast judgment upon you for daring to reveal your feelings. I’m feeling hurt and trampled over these days, and I am trying to shake it. I often present a positive and smiling demeanor and outlook, but lately, I have felt so defeated. I haven’t been good enough in the mats, in the cage, or even for people to stick around in my life. I’m starting to question why? Am I so awful that I don’t deserve to feel triumph? That I don’t deserve to have solid people in my life? What terrible things have I done to attract such painful occurrences? Sometimes I wonder if at the root of it all, I’m just an awful person and this is exactly what I deserve. I hate how good at negative self-talk I tend to be.
I know I can work harder and do better and be better. It’s been hard for me lately to not hate myself, there’s probably quite a few people I can join in on wishing for bad things to happen to me. My husband tells me I need to be kinder to myself, and hindsight is always 20/20. I know he’s right, because it would honestly break my heart to hear people talk about themselves the way I do to me sometimes. But this hesitation I am having in life lately seems to have me gutted. Especially because I know, I mean, I really and truly know that I am better than this. I guess I really am my own worst enemy, the biggest critic to my performances and appearance, and overall situation in life. But I am glad I recognize this and I can change. The beautiful thing about being human is that although we will make mistakes, we always have the opportunity to learn and grow from them. I am learning every day, and any setback I suffer in competition and in life, I will use to fuel my knowledge to fix those things henceforth.
Besides being so very mean to myself lately, I’ve also let people occupy the space in my head when I know I shouldn’t. I’ve had to implement the ‘block’ button on my social media accounts recently for my own mental well-being, as I’ve felt like the little girl trapped back in high school with a group of mean girls hurling insulting words and sharp digs my way to bring me down. I’ve called myself ugly, a loser, unworthy of love, more times than I can count this past week. But you know what? I am human, and I make mistakes. Whether intentional or not, I’ve hurt others and the guilt from it kills me, like I’m such an awful person for causing anyone grief or pain. But I know that I will do my very best to do right, to do good, to be good, and to live as someone who truly cares to make others lives better. I know when I leave this earth, people won’t remember me for my appearance or the things I accomplish or fail. But for how I made them feel. I want to leave it better just because I existed, and to amend my errors, and make those around me know how much they mean to me. I will work hard on being as kind to myself as I try for others. And at the end of the day, I do know with every fiber of my being that I have done my best to be good to others, despite any reciprocation, because my mama raised me right.
So I will do my best to no longer hesitate. Not in my words or actions or in competition or in day to day life. After all, my breath is finite, and I could be gone by the time you read this post. If I continue to hesitate to pull the existential trigger, it will cost me in more ways than I will be able to acclimate to or accept. I’m tired of peeking over the edge to always look before I leap. Sometimes life just required you to sprint full-force towards the edge of the cliff and cannon-ball your way in. I’d rather take that chance than to forever be on the sidelines, watching everyone else enjoy life to its fullest while I am too hesitant to dare to take a chance and risk the possibilities. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, right? So here’s my accountability blog post. I am betting it all on me because I owe it not only to the great people in my life helping me and supporting me, but also to myself, and the little girl who one day dreamed of big things. I’m jumping in head first.
I’m so impressed with your vulnerability and honesty. I’m also envious of your courage to get out there as fear can be so debilitating. You are always a winner in my book! So glad to be able to call you a friend. ❤️
I’m glad as well <3
I can see your inner struggle and I can relate. It’s always there, even after you fight it and conquer yourself, you still have weak days where it seeps through the cracks and belittles you..doubts you and all you are, all your progress. I’ve recently had thoughts of writing on this myself because it’s a silent thing no one talks much about.
We are all a combination of the stories we tell ourselves and what stories we accept that others tell us, about us. The key is to change those stories. Can’t say how many times my inner voice has told me I’m a piece of shot that’s not good enough and there’s no way I could accomplish all the things on my future list. Then my actual inner voice says No, fuck that. We are going to do all these things and I will be friends with myself. The inner conflict was exhausting for years, but it only gets better. Kill the negative self talk with kind, positive, and affirming stories. It’s hard, but you can rewrite the stories you tell yourself. And once you conquer yourself…my my friend, you will be unstoppable.
And I just want to say, just you yourself Samantha, step back and look at your journey. I think you discount things majorly. Maybe you’re not the best MMA fighter of all time, maybe your not the hottest chick out there, maybe maybe maybe yada yada yada….But you my friend have made yourself known and feel like a friend to complete bjj female strangers. You are not afraid to show people the rawest parts of yourself and our sport. You are brave and caring and kind. Your love for what you do and your people is so strong, it’s a force, it makes you strong. Sometimes I think our goals can be a matter of perspective.. There is a lot of fluff in our community, whining, all kinds of shit, but you are an upper rank who keeps it real. An excellent example of what an upper rank should be and how they should lead and present themselves. You never tear people down, you’re always showing truth to the community and working on yourself. Honestly you’re quite amazing and I hope we get to hang out one day because I think we’d be really good friends. Holler if y’all ever want to come stay in Atlanta, you have a place to stay with Sean and I. 🥰 Keep putting out amazing content. You’re helping so many women and you just don’t even know it.
Thank you Tori. I greatly appreciate this so much 🙂