Choke On It

There are days where I bite off so much more than I could chew that I honestly should be given the Heimlich maneuver 24/7.  It’s almost amazing I haven’t choked on my responsibilities and reached an inevitable death from taking on so many tasks at one time. I have always loathed the idea of putting off for tomorrow what could be done that very same day, and what was once an admirable trait in the ideas of promptness and adherence to a schedule, has left me drowning under a multitude of waves in tasks left to be conquered. I become overwrought with stress and riddled with anxiety if there is something left unchecked in my day-to-day schedule, and this tends to disrupt my sleep schedule, leaving me feeling more overwhelmed than before due to lack of rest and the vicious cycle continues. I am not a machine, so why do expect myself to churn out task after task without so much as a reprieve for relaxation in the process? I’m like a CPU, but instead of being a central processing unit, I’m more like a constantly panicked underdog, always worried I won’t live up to the goals and expectations I put in place. 

Maybe it’s my Type ‘A’ personality, or perhaps my anal retentive nature (ha anal), but I like to regiment myself to a strict schedule and I become flustered if things go awry. For example, blog day Tuesday’s, bathroom bleaching Thursday’s, floor cleaning Sunday’s, etc. I hate that fact that when a wrench gets thrown into my plans, I completely unravel from the inside out. I wish I could be more like my partner, who is much more a ‘go with the flow’ type of person. Instead, I’ve got a stick so far up my ass I’m practically channeling Jim Henson from beyond the grave. It’s really the only thing that causes me overwhelming anxiety, and I’m almost embarrassed to admit it, but it’s the reason why I hate surprises or anything haphazardly thrown together last minute. I have my dedicated days to finishing a task and I don’t like to deviate from my scheduled plans. 

While having a trait that makes it a necessity to keep thing clean and organized and always be on a schedule is usually viewed as a positive attribute, often times, there are negative repercussions brought on by all of this. Stress can manifest itself into physical symptoms (headaches, nausea, stomach aches, insomnia, etc) and none of this is healthy for a well functioning body. Not to mention the side effects it has on one’s mentality as well. These obtrusive thoughts and negative ideas penetrate deep within a person’s psyche, and can lead to damaging behaviors. I don’t want my mind to be clouded with thoughts of unrest and to dwell on the negativity. And I sure as hell don’t want my free time to constantly be consumed with obtrusive thoughts on all of the chores, jobs, tasks, and responsibilities I need to get done. It is not a healthy way to live at all.

I am so envious of the people who can sashay through life without a care in the world. It must be so freeing and liberating to be able to not become encumbered with the weight of the world on your shoulders. I don’t know why I shoulder the task of bearing the burden of all the things in life that need to get done, but perhaps I should find someone more ideal at letting things roll off their back and learn to be more like them. Well, I do happen to have a partner in life who is exactly like that, but I haven’t yet been able to absorb that trait. Instead, I’m still the neurotic and frenzied individual, trying to tackle multiple things at once and not resting until I check every last little thing off my list. I wish I could just chill out a little bit.

I’m happy that I at least recognize this source of stress and can therefore begin to take steps to address it and rectify these behaviors. I’m done trying to refrain from choking on the heavy workload I try to take on day in and day out. There is physically only so much in the world that I can swallow, and Sami Miami retired long ago. It is not my job to fix the world and try to improve upon every little thing. I need to learn to balance my priorities and only take on what I can handle and what will be most conducive going forward. And every once in awhile, if I want to take the day off, I will soothe that anxious little voice inside of my head telling me what a dreadful mistake that is. Life will not fall apart if my alphabetized spice rack is not perfectly linear and if I skip one week of bleaching my bathroom grout lines with a toothbrush. I promise to learn to only take on bite-sized pieces that I know I can digest. The only choking we are doing from now on is on the mats or in the cage.