The title is something I am constantly invoking, especially when speaking with one of my brothers. He is one of the most kind-hearted and purest souls of a person that I know, and he absolutely hates disappointing people. So much so, in fact, that often times he stretches himself too thin or ends up inundated with requests and cajoled into doing things he doesn’t want to participate in, simply for the sole reason he can’t seem to say no. I hated watching him suffer by doing things he hated or that internally (and sometimes physically) caused him harm, so I would tell him all the time that he needed to learn to say ‘no’. And lo and behold if the karma train didn’t come for me where now I find myself making these exact same mistakes, except for some slightly different reasons. Whilst I usually have no problem telling people no, I also have an issue with wanting to help people and have them succeed. However, I am now finding myself sacrificing too much of my already limited time and peace in order to help them out in their endeavors. Sometimes, I need to know when I am tapped out on time and energy and occasionally have the wherewithal to not sacrifice myself in order to appease others.
A lot of times, saying ‘no’ comes up when someone feels societal pressure to not hurt feelings or come off in a rude portrayal. For example. ask a woman in your life if they ever felt publicly pressured to be nice towards a male’s advances in order to not be perceived as stuck-up or as a bitch. Or how about the person who gets unintentionally injured on the mats in Jiu Jitsu because they felt bad turning down a roll with a newer, flailing person because they didn’t want to seem rude. Sometimes, self-preservation is key. Whether that is in reference to our mental, spiritual, or physical health all comes into play. Almost at no point in my life have I ever regretted telling someone ‘no’, but I can think of quite a few instances I’d take back if given the chance because I felt bad declining an offer. Then I need to weigh the pros and cons, and more often than not, the risks posed to me were nowhere near of equal value as the possible rewards. And all for what? Because my emotions and guilt got the better of me? Even Superman had to take some time off every now and then, and the world didn’t spontaneously combust when he did.
I hate the feeling of disappointing someone or letting anyone down, and that is where my downfall on this topic comes from. It isn’t so much that I am fearful of being perceived as a cold-hearted person for saying ‘no,’ but more so that I just want to help everyone all of the time and then I end up biting off more than I can chew. I pretty much need a constant Heimlich in order to save myself from choking on such big tasks. If I can help someone out in order for them to reach new levels of success, I will try my hardest to do so, but just like Nutella, if I spread myself too thin then everyone involved will be left unsatisfied and still in need of proper satiation. I have got to learn that my time for myself is as equally valuable as it is for others, and that is not at all selfish to occasionally put myself first. If I allow myself to constantly put everyone else’s needs and everything else going on before me, than it’s only a matter of time before this self-neglect catches up to me in the most detrimental of ways. My heart may be in a good place, but if my head and health are not, then I will be rendered completely useless anyway.
We all deal with the occasional feelings of guilt from time to time, wondering if we did enough in certain facets of our lives. This is something I grapple with off the mats more often than not and I am trying to teach myself that it is okay to turn people down when I simply can not find the time, energy, or clarity to do what is asked when my schedule is already so filled. You can not pour from an empty cup and we can all only give so much of ourselves before we become depleted from the sacrifices. Sure, I’d hate to be viewed in a negative manner because I had to say no or turn something down, but I’d rather do that than half-ass a task because I had nothing left to give. If anything, that would almost be worse because then it would just be wasting everyone else’s time. I’m starting to learn to stop pressuring myself with unobtainable expectations, and instead, to just take life one day at a time. I will continue to try my best to help people along the way, but I will no longer rob myself of my own health, safety, and sanity to do so. ‘No’ is not only a complete sentence, it’s also a command, a demand, an explanation, and a short story. And it is also more than enough.
