Comparison is the thief of joy, an act of violence against oneself, and a distraction from our true purpose, so why can’t I stop doing it? This person is younger than me, better than me, prettier than me, more fit than me, has accomplished way more than me, the list goes on and on. Yet, I continue to let these thoughts infiltrate my mind. I don’t know if I just expect more out of myself or what, but truth is, I’m always afraid and insecure that I’m not good enough. I’m so jealous of those with the bravado and confidence to go out there and let the world know they mean business. And here I am hiding behind a big butt and a sense of humor. I don’t know if the hours I put into doing what I do are my best effort. Sure, I spend countless periods of my time putting in work, but am I really giving it my best effort? I’m sure others around me probably don’t think so, and I guess I’m scared that maybe they’re right. Anytime I need to force myself to take a rest day or miss one training session in order to let my body heal and recover makes me feel like an absolute lazy piece of shit. I am always dealing with the guilt of not pushing myself even if I’m completely mentally or physically deteriorating and left wondering if my competition ever rests? Am I not up to their caliber because I had to take some time to myself and therefore not worthy of reaching my goals? And is admitting to all this going to make me seem like a weak adversary in the eyes of future opponents? I don’t know, but it’s something I just felt like getting off my chest.
I hate that I can spend countless hours mindlessly scrolling through social media, and feel myself becoming envious of all those around me. I always have this lingering feeling in the back of my mind that I’m a fraud masquerading as a professional athlete capable of total domination. Impostor syndrome at its finest. I always wonder why I do the things I do if I’m as good as people can say. Would someone who was that good really spend so much time on bottom? Others don’t think so. I hate how much I hate myself for not crushing the top of the game when in my heart that’s all I want to do. I ridicule myself and tear myself apart for making mistake after mistake and I know none of this is conducive to my training nor anything but detrimental to my mental health, but I just can’t stop picking at my errors. I hate failing or not being the best, and some of that is good because it gives me an ambitious mindset to keep pursuing my dreams, but on the flip side, has me doubting my value as a fighter, competitor, and person. I could probably continue to elaborate on these thoughts further, but I honestly don’t feel like crying myself to sleep.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m really good at pretending I’m not scared, worried, anxious, or intimidated. Because I don’t want anyone to know I possess a fear that I’m not enough. I will step onto the mats or into the octagon every single time and do my best. It’s when my best isn’t good enough or I make stupid little mistakes that haunt me for weeks to come. I wish I could tell you right now that I wasn’t constantly replaying my fight in my head, angry at myself for not capitalizing where I should have or finishing it when I know I am more than capable. Especially after all the time I have been putting in. I wish I didn’t have the nagging thoughts in my head from the competition over the weekend to keep me up at night and constantly remind me in the areas I am nowhere near good enough. I wonder how many people I have fooled into thinking I never have sad thoughts or doubts or worries about my future. I do know that no matter what, I am determined to keep trying and always work as hard as I can. I hope to god this pays off. At the end of the day, the flowers in the garden never concern themselves with the progress of the plant next to them; they simply bloom.
All in all, not my happiest of blogs. I’ve been struggling with these dark thoughts of self doubt and negativity clouding my mind and eclipsing my radiancy into being stuck in the perpetual shadows of the mind. It amazes me how others can say I have inspired them when lately I haven’t even been able to inspire myself. But I will keep showing up and grinding this out until these feelings pass. And if I cry, I cry but I won’t ever quit. The champion will fail more times than the every day person, but they will also succeed much more as well. My time will come, I know it; it has to. And I will learn to stop punishing myself when I need to relax a little. Joe Rogan talked specifically on his Podcast how some fighters will run themselves into the ground, raggedly tearing away and destroying their bodies and becoming quite ill because they continue to push themselves through the duress and stressors of sickness and injury because they harbor the fear of being labeled a ‘pussy’ if they take a rest session. I have never felt more personally called out than I did in that moment. Guess I gotta continue to focus on me, and keep my blinders up to those around me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for all my friends I see accomplishing goals, but the only thing I need to compare going forward is the prices on my groceries at various stores in order to get the best deal. Speaking of which, if you’re looking for the best deal on frozen turkeys, Aldi’s had them for 88 cents per pound but Food Lion has it at the criminally cheap 29 cents per pound. Get on that!
