Stress. One word. 6 letters. A whole bunch of reasons behind it. If you’re anything like me, you find yourself getting frazzled constantly, and often by exceptionally minute things that just tend to pile up over time. Little by little, the grains of sand start forming eclipsing dunes and you’ve made mountains out of mole hills once again. I crave order and consistency in my day to day life. During the lockdown, I literally had a schedule programmed into my phone that I would follow. I document and conjure recipes for everything I cook, I have specified days for cleaning that need to get done on those days in the allotted time slots, I have certain ways I complete all of my tasks, and I refuse to sit down until it is all completed. So, if one thing throws my pattern into disarray, I absolutely mentally lose my shit. Spontaneity is not in my rolodex of allowable actions. In fact, this is primarily the main underlying difference between my partner and I. He is a very ‘fly by the seat of your pants’ type of fella, and I am so anal I might as well be a giant butthole with eyes. I can’t help it. I need to know what is going to happen, when, and where, and the timeframe things are supposed to be occurring or it sends my anxiety skyrocketing. Please don’t throw a wrench in my plans, because there is a good chance I will then chuck it at your face.
The worst part about being so ‘Type A’ is that I become inundated with stress and feeling overwhelmed quite easily. I almost have to force myself to schedule relaxing time or I simply won’t be able to do it. I will never put off for tomorrow what can be done today, but I almost take this excessively too far. Even as I write this blog, I am simultaneously trying to have a conversation with my partner, and watching a baking competition on Netflix. I don’t know how to just zone in and focus on one thing. Probably why I got into MMA since it stands for Mixed Martial Arts. Why just train in Jiu Jitsu or striking when I can attempt to do it all? Yeah I know, this is not healthy for my mentality and I swear I will work on it, but I just really want to accomplish all of the things and be good at them all. My cup runneth over, and it’s about to flood my life so badly not even Noah could circumnavigate through this conundrum. If only stress burned calories, I’d never have to worry about a weight cut ever again.
I am literally like this in all facets of my life. When I eat, I shovel the food down at a quickened pace because I do not have time to dilly dally or dawdle. People talk about savoring each bite, and don’t get me wrong, I love the way food tastes, but I’m just gonna shit it out later so why waste time during the process? I think my next vacation will be at an all inclusive resort so I will be forced to lay in the sun poolside, sipping margaritas and tanning these cheeks. How incredible moronic of me is it to be the sole purveyor of my accumulated stress? I promise you, no one else gives a rat’s fart if I don’t stick to my cleaning and laundry schedule, but so help me if bathrooms don’t get bleached on Thursdays and floors mopped on Sundays I will be such a tightly wound ball of nerves, that even my highly skilled chiropractor would have difficulty releasing these knots. Apparently I have even started developing a pulsating vein in my forehead when I am stressed out and furrowing my brows, as my partner so lovingly points out. It’s the same exact vein that likes to protrude when someone hits a really deep carotid choke on me in Jiu Jitsu. And now apparently, it is also my stress vein.
I’ve tried all the yoga and meditation mumbo jumbo, and if that works for you, I both applaud you and am simultaneously jealous. Deep, tantric breaths are just not my jam. Cleaning makes me feel better because I have a task and a purpose and feel a weight lifted off my shoulders when I am done. Cooking is another great stress relief as I enjoy the culinary prowess required to make beautiful and deliciously tasting dishes while also encapsulating an aesthetic vision. People ask me all the time if punching/fighting is a great stress relief, and perhaps it would be in a cardio kickboxing class or just for funsies, but when it’s your job, there is a bit more entailed to your performance. I treat it like a profession, and as such, I want to excel as best as humanly possible, but it is definitely a blessing to be able to do what you love. I’ll take all the stress that comes with putting an insane amount of pressure on myself to succeed if that means I get to live my dream. But unless this is your dream, you shouldn’t do it. The sacrifices and commitment it takes to prevail would break most people. You miss out on a lot in your personal and family life, your body takes a beating, you have to fight your mentality day in and day out with grueling weight cuts and hard training, everything always hurts, and you are constantly pushing past your breaking points. But man, is it a wild ride unlike any other.
Right now, I am working on taking my time to enjoy the little things a little bit more. I had a date night this past Saturday and got quite dolled up with makeup and a dress and enjoyed every minute of it. I even shaved my legs, albeit quite poorly, which is how you know I took the evening seriously (not a feminist statement, my body just usually hurts too badly to bend over in the shower ha). Though I’d be lying if I said I didn’t immediately wash my face and throw on sweatpants when I walked back in the door. I’m trying to take the time to sit down and eat, instead of rapidly downing food while still on my feet leaning over a sink like an aggressively greedy raccoon. I’m slowly teaching myself to focus on one thing at a time and not be such an ADD hyperactive, manic chimpanzee all over the place. Sometimes, I do think it’s good for me to put a little bit of pressure on myself to succeed, I just need to find the appropriate balance so I don’t completely deteriorate myself mentally and physically without taking the time to rebuild. I will tell myself that I am able to do anything, but not everything, and that is perfectly okay. A snake sheds its skin and grows, a tree goes through the foliage flossing it’s leaves and standing as tall and as vibrant as ever, and a Wolf Queen may lose a few daily battles, but will always emerge from the throes of warfare victorious. Trying my best to eliminate stress and get ‘er done.
These people make the stress so much better. And I love how no one was ready for the pic