Distancing the Bullshit

Everyday a lesson learned and once again a new chance to make things right or repeat your history of making the same fucking mistakes over and over like a a repetitive conundrum of disaster. We are all currently living in Lemony Snicket’s series of unfortunate events and the entire world is in disarray. I’m sure we’re all clamoring for this chapter in the book of our lives to come to a tidy little conclusion so the next chapter can begin because this current state of affairs blows like a Hoover. (Okay but for real a vacuum sucks, not blows. I was going to put a famous brand of leaf blower here instead but apparently the best one on the market is a Husqvarna and honestly that is just a damn nightmare to pronounce so whatever. Leave my quarantine puns alone). Now that we all seem to find ourselves with more time on our hands, we’ve been able to do a lot of self reflection to learn and understand more about ourselves. Basically what I’ve learned about myself is I’m a colossal fuck up. You’d think after 29 years on this earth I would have fixed all of my raging character flaws, but yet here I am egregiously making faux pas after faux pas and alienating everyone around me. I like to think I’m a positive influence and I’m helping those I come in contact with, but I get frustrated with people and things not happening fast enough and that comes off as rude and condescending and now I’m labeled as a massive bitch and wondering why people block me both in the physical and metaphorical sense. Life’s weird and I just don’t think I’ve found my place in the world just yet. Instead of simply social distancing with my peers, I need to isolate the negative drivel as well, basically distancing the bullshit.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a lot of great things going on in my life, I really do, but sometimes I still feel lost. I can’t seem to handle feeling overwhelmed and notice that the more out of control my surroundings become, the more Type ‘A’ I became with structure, and rigid scheduling, and cleaning, and organizing, and making sure I can control as much of my life as possible. When I am surrounded by chaos, I crave order, and now thanks to these mandatory quarantines, even my house makes Marie Kondo look like a damn amateur next to my Mary Poppins levels of cleanly perfection. But I try so hard to make things perfect, and when something happens that causes the plans in my mind to unravel, I feel like the shittiest human being in existence. Don’t even get me started on being able to handle criticism. I adhere so strictly to a calm and divisive order that if I’m met with angry outbursts of a resounding clash or yelling bits of fury, I completely shut down and a part of me dies. I just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate for quite some time until my surroundings are calm and at peace again. When I’m mad, I get silent; just stewing in my own thoughts and willing myself to calibrate my emotions as best as I can as hot, angry tears spill down my face. I am trying to use this time of social isolation to get a better grasp on my emotions and understand myself better, such as by starting every morning with yoga, meditation, and positive affirmations. It’s just very hard for me to still be met with disparaging remarks.

The other day, we watched a great series on Prime called Hunters; it’s about a group of Jewish Americans hunting down Nazis who’ve infiltrated America after the war and changed their identities to blend in with the masses. It got me thinking, imagine being so hated for something you are born as, that you’re persecuted relentlessly and forced to live in horror, such as during the Holocaust. I’m fully Jewish and fascinated to learn all aspects of my history. Then I went down the rabbit hole of thoughts and began thinking of those who are hated simply for the color of their skin. Or the hate crimes popping up in the media today against Asian Americans who are unjustly persecuted since the fear of the current Coronavirus pandemic. I mean hell, sometimes I’m just hated by people who don’t even know me because of vitriol and jealousy over the partner I chose to share my life with. I don’t know what gets said about me or why I’m the subject of such hatred and ridicule from those in his past, but I can’t pretend it doesn’t bother me to be talked about, blocked, and despised simply for living my life. All I want to do is try my hardest to succeed and accomplish things and hopefully change the world for the better and positively impact those around me. But there are always going to people who smile in my face, trash talk me behind my back, and silently (or sometimes not so silently) root for my downfall. I’ve got a lot of love to give and I always want to help people, no matter how many times it burns me like the flames of a thousand embers emblazoned upon my skin. However, I’m only human, and perhaps a bit of a sensitive baby back bitch, because the negative words and actions and constant deletes of my accounts or blocking me or wishing harm upon me cuts me like a fucking knife plunging into my heart.

Having all of this alone time can be horribly detrimental to our thoughts. I am making sure to still eat the proper things and supplement my diet and nutrition to help keep me from falling into a dark place. Especially making sure to get the blood flowing with ample exercise and doing things outside for plentiful doses of Vitamin D. There will come a time and a point however, where we run out of distractions and will be forced to confront all of our thoughts, positive and negative, head on. I know that deep down I am tough as nails and can conquer any obstacle in my path, I just may sob enough tears to fill the depths of a cavernous basin first. Clearly, I need to get back into an octagon asap, because having a set goal in my mind pushes me harder to go out there and accomplish it. I’m at a stage in my life where if I get something in my mind, there is no doubt that exists that I will accomplish whatever task I set out to do. This isn’t because I think I’m the best or better than anyone, it’s because I believe in myself so much and I know I have the tenacity and perseverance to put in the hard work. I’m not afraid of challenges and of blood, sweat, or tears, and the harder something is to do, the more I will work towards making it happen. Truth is, anyone who tries is in fact better than anyone who doesn’t. We all have a million reasons why something can’t be done or why life is keeping us down, but the doers of the world only need that one reason to make it happen. At the end of the day, the ones who hate on us the most are those who are to weak to make a change themselves and their envy at the resiliency others can muster up plants seeds of jealousy and hatred in their hearts.

I’ve probably said it a hundred times in the past, but I will continue to keep saying it until I am blue in the face: my inbox is always open. If this quarantine is starting to grate on you mentally, physically, spiritually, etc.; please do not hesitate to reach out to me. I am by no means a medical professional, but I am a caring soul and I just want everyone to be okay. These are unprecedented times the world is facing, and I think it’s important now more than ever to get as much humor, laughter, and love we can squeeze out of these times. I wonder if I’m alone in just hoping sometimes I can shut off my emotions and silence the pestering little voices inside my head that like to fill it with negativity. None of these habits are cathartic and can permanently damage and scar us in the long run. I’m very fortunate to have the tools on hand to read, paint, write, exercise, draw, and even utilize a mat room in my house to spar and to drill my passion. It’s easy to fall into a lazy habit right now of letting time idle by on the couch, but how unfortunate to waste these precious moments in our lives doing jack shit. I don’t think I could ever understand someone who has zero hobbies; just an apathetic individual who does nothing but watch Netflix or browse Youtube all day. To me, that is so unproductive and our minds and bodies crave activity. Complacency in this era of isolation will do entirely more damage than Covid19 ever could. I refuse to live an entire life without ever having impacted a soul or accomplished anything. When I die, I want it to mean something. My life will have had meaning and will be mourned for having influenced others for the better. Please continue to keep striving in these trying times, spread positivity, not germs or fear, and continue to love hard each and every single day. The more we come together, albeit at least 6 feet part, the stronger we will become and I implore everyone reading this to never give up. When the going gets tough, it’s time to put on those big girl panties and get shit done.