I’m a Bitch, I’m a Lover

I hate the world today. Nah, honestly even if that’s not true, I feel like everyone can relate a little bit to Meredith Brooks in one way or another. Some days, we just wake up on the wrong side of the bed for no apparent reason. It’s like sometimes someone pissed in our bowl of cheerios that morning and the day is all downhill before you have even finished your first cup of coffee. And the whole negative thinking seems to attract negative energy like a magnetic force field of suck and despair like a busted up Hoover on its last leg of life. I know sometimes my mood can waver between a sane, and well adjusted individual to an unstable, hot ass mess. It’s something I’m trying to work on every single day, but being that I am still in my 20s, sometimes I suffer little snafus here and there. I’m sure many people reading this are picturing some bipolar woman on the cusp of a psychotic break down, but truth is, I’m just a simple human being who sometimes has difficulty processing all my emotions on such a busy and chaotic schedule that I don’t react properly and may lash out unwarranted. It’s like when a baby is crying and cranky because they’re tired and don’t yet have the capacity to vocalize that inner turmoil to their caretakers. Hello, it’s me, I’m the baby. I always wonder when this whole life thing will get easier, but apparently it never does and while I can’t always control the things that happen to me in this life, I can control the ways in which I react.

I’m an adult, yes, but I still have feelings. Ask my partner and he’ll probably tell you that I have way too many. I still get upset when people are rude to me for seemingly no reason, and I get really upset when I find out I am blocked on social media without explanation. I find myself to be pretty reasonable, so I wish if anyone had an issue, they would talk to me about it first so I can rectify any wrongdoing or seek clarification on how I can improve myself, and I feel only a true coward afraid of the truth would take the easy way out like this instead of being confronted with honesty. Being slighted still gets to me in a way that I wish it didn’t. I can be ridiculously sensitive and it’s something I honestly hate about myself. I was a puddle of tears opening my Christmas cards this year, especially when I saw how much thought the kids put into making me happy. It really is the little things that make all of the difference. My love language doesn’t require a lot when it comes to material things or words of affirmation. I simply appreciate the thoughtfulness and kind gestures. I’d like to think I am pretty good with my words and expressing myself, but I know others may struggle in that field and just the effort of trying to convey themselves to me is the best gift in the world. Kindness and generosity go a long way, and unfortunately in this day and age of the constant influx of social media, we are privy to a much uglier side of the world and its people.

I don’t always have those days where I’m ultra sensitive and weepy (mostly due to lack of carbs and heavy training). I’ll admit that sometimes I can be a huge bitch where even the tiniest of annoyances or grievances can set me off like a ticking time bomb of rage. The best thing for me when I am stuck in these funks is just to be left alone. I’m good as long as people don’t keep incessantly approaching me and pestering me with questions and comments. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know my sour mood is not their responsibility and not everyone is born with the sense of mind to be able to read a person who is clearly perturbed by something, but still. I just ask for a wee bit of space but it seems like I am always being encroached upon regardless and the bitch comes out to play like Jigsaw riding his tricycle. I will undoubtedly end up apologizing for reacting in a blunt and obtrusive manner, but know that I am also disgusted with myself for not being able to control the angry side of me. My partner makes it look so easy by pasting on an amicable face and gentle demeanor and then later airing out his grievances with other people to me in private. I’m more of a “shut the fuck up Steve” kind of person and need to learn that presenting myself as more of an approachable person despite the mood I am in doesn’t render me fake, it paints me as a sane and normal person who people won’t fear talking to or being vulnerable around. But as bitchy as I can get, I promise you that I also love and that I love hard. I will go out of my way to make the people I hold dear happy and it means the world to me to make a positive difference in their lives.

Humans are complex and complicated beings. What works to placate and nullify one person’s emotions won’t necessarily be the same for another, even in shared environments or similar DNA. Anyone who is a parent already knows this, but it is still a beneficial lesson we can heed every single day. Fighters are some of the most heartfelt and sensitive people I know. I may be Billy Badass on the mats, but so help me if I hear I am being badmouthed and lambasted online or bashed on everything from my appearance to my performance, you best believe I am hitting the Kleenex later that night. Dammit, I am a person with real feelings and although I spend the majority of my days punching and choking people, my heart needs a reprieve. Stop being a dick to me without ever talking to me or getting to know me. I might just surprise you with how much I listen and am willing to learn ways to be less harsh and improve myself and change for the better. But if your first route when you have an issue with someone is to indiscriminately gossip hurtful insults about them and block them without giving them any chance to speak for themself or their character, then all that bad juju and shitty karma rests on your shoulders alone. Hatred is not a burden I seek to bare and if rising above a petty situation to be the bigger person is the only time I can actually call myself ‘big’ then so be it. I will take the high road at every single chance I get until people start mistaking me for Snoop Dogg. Basically, these emotions can shove it.

As Meredith Brooks sings, sometimes I can go to extremes and be a little bit of everything, all rolled into one. I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint, and I will never feel ashamed. Why should I? Is it necessary to apologize for being human? This may mean I hit some hiccups along the way and make some mistakes, but since I am always willing to learn from them, I don’t believe it’s truly a mistake versus a lesson learned. The only time we cease to grow as individuals is when we stop trying to learn the error of our ways and always remain resolute that we are right. Sometimes, we are wrong, and I am (wo)man enough to own up to that and apologize. For instance, I know how wrong it is of me to angrily snap at others and be critical or condescending just because I am in a sour mood. I do believe I am getting better at controlling these emotional outbursts, but it is definitely a work in progress and I apologize to those I have hurt along the way. I won’t apologize for ever confronting someone in the ways in which they hurt me, because it cleanses my soul to let out the hurt rather than masking the pain and always trying to hold it in. Writing is my therapy and my most cathartic release, and I am one of the strongest advocates for people to seek out whichever therapy is best to suit them and their needs. Allowing ourselves to feel a range of emotions will help us in our lifelong journeys in our ability to grow as a person and constantly improve to reach our full potential. I am working on myself every single day and can’t wait to see all the ways I improve as I continue this journey in life. Also, totally ending this blog by concurring again with Meredith Brooks that indeed, I am also a goddess on my knees.