This will be the year that I stop self sabotaging, I just need to keep repeating that mantra over and over. I am so guilty of this, in life, on the mats, even with my own family, and I hate myself and feel so much shame over it. This past weekend is such a good example. I set myself up for a loss on family matters. I am so trash at this parenting thing that I screw up constantly; I mean, I am literally a revolving door of mishaps when it comes this. I’ve inserted my foot so far into my own mouth that I am practically shitting out my own toes, yet I continue to sabotage any progress I make in a multitude of situations. I swear I have so much envy watching John. He makes it look so easy and just effortlessly garners love and respect and admiration. Maybe I would rather sabotage myself than risk my true feelings getting hurt because the ones that you love the most are the ones that can hurt you the worst and I am embarrassingly afraid of getting my feelings hurt. It’s just hard. And I’m sure it is regardless of the situation but I’m only a couple years in with teenagers, not children, and there’s so much I don’t know and so much experience I lack and the more I’m around, the more apparent it seems.
I can not fathom how people keep their shit together so well. I don’t know, maybe I am more perceptive to my sensitive emotions right now since I can’t dull the pain with a night out and some whiskey (yay fight camp) and my caloric deficit and erratic sleep schedule has my hormones a bit on edge. The more I seem to struggle the more John seems to excel and man that kills me. It all just seems so natural for him and I’m over here frantically clinging on to any sliver of hope that one day, I can be like him. I keep trying to do the right things but it’s like folding a fitted sheet; it looks alright at a glance but upon closer inspection, it’s a chaotic mess haphazardly tossed in the semblance of a concise shape. And I just feel like I suck harder than a Dyson when it comes to my role these days. But I will keep trying and in a way that stops undercutting myself. Because I am so sick of failing because I sabotaged my own happiness and those around me as well. And I should also probably stop comparing myself to someone who has decades of parenting experience with the same individuals since birth and I’m just swooping my candy ass in there trying to fit in any way imaginable. The competitive drive in me just absolutely abhors being bad at anything. I learned how to play chess the other week and went ham on picking up knowledge of the game, I’m simultaneously trying to fluently master 2 other languages, and I train my ass off. Because I want to be the best so I study and practice all these things like crazy. Must have missed the “parenting guidebook” because I can’t study or practice anything on that, it just happens, and I seem to be making all the wrong decisions.
I was guilty of doing this again with my training this weekend. With my title fight a mere 3 weeks away, I knew I was in for an arduous weekend of getting worked, and I really hate that I psyched myself out before stepping in the gym. My mind already wasn’t in the right place (hello, previous 2 paragraphs) but that is no excuse for my performance because the mats do not give a rat’s fart if I am focused or not. I paid for that performance in blood, sweat, vomit, and tears and deep down I know I am all that much better for it, but my body feels its repercussions for that abysmal performance today. I am sore down to my bones, but those wounds are all superficial and fleeting. The memory of my own incompetence, however, lingers. I knew I was stepping into a gym meant to challenge me mentally and physically, against people much larger and more experienced than I and experts in their field of martial arts. So, rather than focusing on what I could do and things I had knowledge on performing, I was so consumed with their actions that I completely shit the bed. I embarrassed my teammates, my coaches, my boyfriend, and myself. Because I allowed that negative mindset to set me up for failure before I began. So from now on, no matter what life throws at me, win or lose, we go out swinging, always pushing forward and never conceding to a mental defeat before the task even begins.
I’m honestly utterly disgusted with my actions and behavior right now, and people are always telling me to stop being so hard on myself, but if I’m not going to hold myself accountable, then who else will? I can either be burned by the flames of the fires I have unwittingly caused, or I can rise like a phoenix from the ashes. But holy shit I’m surprised Smokey the Bear doesn’t have me on his personal Hitlist after the abundance of fires I have started lately. I don’t want to have to rely on my significant other to extinguish any sparks before a wild inferno spreads, so I need to learn to be smarter with my actions and words and stop hindering my own progress. And although I went through hell at the gym on Sunday with a 3 hour ass kicking, I cried over the fact that parenting is still way harder. Kudos to all you out there crushing it, because I’m winging it like Helen Keller driving a taxi and causing much more destruction than pleasantries.
Right now, I have opportunities knocking out my door, and I will be damned if I allow myself to get in the way of that again. There are too many amazing things going on in life right now if I just take a breath and seize the moment. And I truly feel like so many of us can relate to that concept and stop being our own worst enemy. If I were one of my opponents, I wouldn’t want to fight me, so why is it that I am purposely fighting myself? It’s idiotic really. I deserve happiness as we all do, and I work too hard to allow such trivial things to stifle my joy. Again, this is all my own doing which completely blows my mind. If I could just get my darn brain to quit overthinking everything and overanalyzing every scenario until I nitpick my way to a “solution” that would be great. It’s like a scab that I keep on picking and picking until it becomes inflamed and irritated and later on infected. When all of this could have been avoided if I just let it be. I need to view these mini road bumps as just a blip on the radar and roll with the punches. I wouldn’t let no bitch ass jab stop me from coming forward, so why do I let some bitch ass inconveniences do? Note to self: do not succumb to the bitch ass issues.
I think the people who self sabotage the most are the ones who have been let down in the past and deal with an innate dark thought in our mind telling us we aren’t worthy of they wonderful things in our life; almost as if it is too good to be true. Sometimes, we want something so badly, that we ruin it before it even begins. Whether it is because we are scared of being hurt by failure and if we undo it ourselves, we do not want to risk the heartbreak of not succeeding, or because we feel undeserving of such amazing things. We need to learn to be a little bit selfish when it comes to our happiness, because being happy is the main reason life is worth living; it is a key to human survival. When you are on an airplane, there is a reason the flight attendants tell you to place your own oxygen mask on before assisting others in an emergency situation. You can’t help someone breathe when you are slowly suffocating yourself. No more struggling for air because I am the only person taking away my oxygen supply. These negative thoughts can kiss my ass and from now on, rather than being my own worst enemy, I choose to be my own greatest hero. Look out 2019, the Wolf Queen is on the prowl.
“And when it comes to tearing me down, no one does it better than me,
Stunting my growth so effortlessly.
But no longer will my own actions be the reason I cry.
The self sabotage ends with me, myself, and I.”
