Everywhere you turn these days, we see inspirational quotes and articles about letting go of the toxic relationships in your life, but what about the toxic relationship we have with ourselves? Are we the sole cause of a ceaseless dumpster fire of bad juju? Earlier today, I wanted to gain some perspective and insight on the opinions of those who knew me and how the world perceived me. I’m trying to incorporate some more self-reflection into my life rather than lashing out with compulsive emotion caused by a knee-jerk reaction. Things I’m pretty decent at: giving advice. Things I’m absolutely terrible at: taking my own advice. I tend to linger on negative thoughts and self doubt far more than necessary. I would never let someone degrade me and talk down to me when it’s unwarranted, yet I find myself maliciously attacking myself in my own mind. Am I bringing toxic behavior upon myself? Like a moth to a flame, I’m attracting frustrating and stressful circumstances by creating a magnetic breeding ground for negativity to manifest and engulf me until I’m no longer battling these demons, but rather, succumbing to them.
I have a lot of growing up to do, and no matter how mature I portray myself, I know that deep down I’m cognizant of the downright juvenile behavior I’m prone to exhibit. It’s almost therapeutic in a cathartic sense for me to actually type these thoughts to be published. I never want to be viewed as narcissistic or condescending, and if I keep trying to present to the world an epitome of perfection, I will fall woefully flat. They say everyone has 3 masks; the one they present to the world, the one their circle of peers and family see, and the one only viewed by themselves. Maybe by peeling back the raw layers of these 3 facades, I can confront the true identity reflected from my soul. There are so many times where I’m truly disgusted by things I have said or haven’t said or actions I have taken. Some of the time, it’s a deserved response, but more often than not, I am simply critiquing and judging myself too harshly. The laughter on the outside often encapsulates and shields the tears from within, and I’m trying not to try and hide these flaws, but to embrace them and accept that some days, I may not reach my goals I set out for the time being.
Guilt beleaguers me and hinders my growth, both outwardly and internally. Sometimes, I feel guilty for my thoughts or behavior, while other times I catch myself trying to lay a guilt trip on others. It is not up to other people to make me happy, but it is a responsibility I must be held accountable for alone. Whether that means the people I surround myself with or the activities I pursue, it is my duty in life to make sure I’m living it to its full potential. It is also not up to others to guess what should bring me joy; I am not an enigmatic personality clamoring to be unwrapped. There is nothing wrong with expressing to the inner circle in my life what I should be doing in order to continue being happy. The things that elevate my level of glee beyond recognition are my gym, BJJ, MMA, teaching, and my family. Without any of the aforementioned subjects, I am not my best ‘Sam.’ Therefore, I must take the initiative in making sure I meet all of these prerequisites and allow myself to be consumed by the positivity they bring.
I’m sorry for letting one bad thing that happens put me in a sour mood for more time than it deserves. It’s not fair for me to burden others with a piss poor attitude over something they didn’t cause or have any control over. And what does being angry or sad about something get me? Stress acne and gray hairs and a fistful of tears. It is not conducive to my mental health nor my physical well-being. I’m trying to adapt myself to be molded by less stress and more complacency and take a queue straight out of a Disney movie and just Let It Go. If I can alter a situation, then why stress about it and henceforth, just do it. If I can’t change what’s already occurring, then why stress about it and therefore, just let it happen and think of my next course of action. There are so many out there facing struggles and situations much worse than my own, and by allowing myself to dwell on the bad for lengthy periods of time, I am doing myself a disservice. I want to flourish and thrive, and by casting shadows upon myself, I am only inhibiting my own growth. Perhaps when we think life is burying us to wither and die, it is instead planting us in order to bloom.
I often think about the story of Icarus, and how he flew too close to the sun and the feathered wings his father Daedalus made him had the wax melted and he proceeded to fall into the ocean and drown. Most people think the moral of the story is about not heeding his father’s warnings and growing too prideful and cocky with his abilities, and therefore being subjected to his own doom. What most people don’t know, is that in the original story, his father told him that if he flew too close to the sun, he may falter and perish, but if he flew too low, the weight of the water in the atmosphere from the waves would weigh down his wings and he would surely drown. We must learn to obtain the confidence to take risks in order to reach new goals and achieve new dreams. While there is a chance we may not make it, if we settle too low for ourselves, we will, without a doubt, never survive to reach true happiness. I will work everyday on ensuring that I am doing all in my power to make myself and happy and also to bring happiness to those in my life as well. Life is too damn short to allow ourselves to be limited by toxic thoughts and behavior, and the older I get, the more self-reflection I will accrue. The naysayers might always be embedded with negative commentary, but I wont join them in any belittlement towards myself or others. It says far more about them than it ever will of me and I won’t fall victim to the negativity. “Watch me. I will go to my own sun. And if I am burned by it’s fire, I will fly on scorched wings.”