Broken bones, sprained ligaments, torn muscles, bruised shins, black eyes. Sometimes it’s really easy to look at someone at training and see all their aches, ailments, and pains as it’s at the forefront of their physicality. But unless you really look at a person, we miss the invisible suffering no one talks about. The kind of nagging, constant pain deep within our own mind and souls that cause us to feel shame and embarrassment for not being able to conquer those demons. People take time off for injuries, so why do we feel weak if we ever need to take a “mental health day” and reset? These “invisible illnesses” so to speak are often chronic and many times undiagnosed or medicated. We also don’t even realize how all too common this sensation is because no one talks about it. Anxiety, depression, and PTSD get shunted to the wayside like the soggy piece of bread no one wants. They are hardly ever discussed in social circles and even in privacy are only just barely touched upon with the faintest of voices and hushed whispers causing us to feel isolated and the sole bearer of these burdens because we don’t realize the commonality and how many people it actually effects. While I wouldn’t categorize myself as a depressed individual, I will stand tall and be the first to say that some days I am sad for simply no reason other than just being in a funk that day. I have anxiety constantly but I push through and do what needs to be done. And on days that I can’t, I’m learning to not beat myself up for not being able to function like a proper adult. Does admitting all this make me look weak? Perhaps. But I think I’m pretty strong for dealing with these emotions and never quitting or giving up. The anxiety might hold me back, but my perseverance drives me to shut it the hell up.
There are countless times that as I get ready for class and put on my gi, I’m also putting on a facade; a fake smile to help me get through a grueling day. Often times, nothing significant happened to me that day to cause me to be in such a slump, but anxiety is a bitch and doesn’t care if I even have a justifiable reason to be feeling the way I feel. I’m trying to learn that my emotions are substantial and I do not need to validate my feelings to anyone. Just because someone has it worse than you, doesn’t negate the fact that you are feeling crummy. You have every right to have an off day. Empathy makes us human and I will not let small-minded opinions shame me for breaking down occasionally. Fall down 9 times and stand up 10. Panic, stress, breathe, and reset.
Recently, a newer teammate of mine became frustrated and emotional after having a rough day on the mats. He is young and still developing his mind and body constantly. I almost couldn’t believe it when he apologized the next day. Apologize for what? Dude, I have like 2 breakdowns a week. I try to time my crying to the shower so that my tears flow down the drain like the last dregs of an emotional meltdown, slipping into the sewer system to mingle with the salty residuals of tears’ past. I love when people feel things passionately; it’s what makes us human. You are damn right I cry. I sometimes get overwhelmed from training and from life. I have never cried on the mats nor have I ever cried from losing, but I have cried in the car and in the shower where I seek my solo solace. Sometimes, it’s just because I want to be better and I am inundated with thoughts of failure at a lackluster performance. However, I have never let the fear of failing stop me from trying to succeed. This is a hard sport that takes countless hours of grueling training and damage to our bodies, but I love it. I have dreams, and I will rue the day I let my anxiety hinder my path towards being champion.
People train for many different reasons. I had always dreamt of being a title-winning fighter. Some people like the competitive atmosphere, some people were victims/survivors of violence and want to empower themselves and learn self defense. Basically, we don’t know someone’s reasons for training and some people may react differently to diverse situations. Panic attacks in BJJ have been known to happen, and if you roll your eyes reading that sentence then I truly feel sorry for you. I want to be compassionate to the different reasons people train and allow them to set their own pace to meet the goals tailored to their personal needs. I want to be the type of person people can emulate and be inspired to follow, and most importantly, I want to be the kind of role model the kids can have pride in mirroring. Personally, I think it’s healthy to allow ourselves the occasional emotional release. I think it’s a beautiful thing to be able to unabashedly share our emotions and only helps us grow as individuals and as a society.
I hope anyone who suffers from occasional bouts of mental setbacks/illnesses reads this and knows they are not alone. So many of my friends and teammates have dealt with similar fleeting feelings of dread. I also hope that those who can’t relate, read this and learn to be patient and compassionate to those of us battling these demons. Do not ever feel shame in crying, in needing regulatory medication, for taking some time off to recuperate your mental health, or for simply having a moody day. Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, but the highs would never feel as good if we also didn’t experience the lows. Sometimes, we cope with the stress of it all by having an epsom salt bath, using a face mask, blaring loud music, writing poetry, or screaming into a pillow until our throats turn raw. Or maybe you’re like me and use sarcasm and humor to dull the overwhelming thoughts of unease (looking at you Deadpool!) Either way, we are freaking warriors. I admire anyone willing to step out of their comfort zone and refrain from quitting and permanently succumbing to the darkness. We train. We fight. We compete. And we never give in. Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says I will try again tomorrow. And try again we will. In life and on the mats. Choking out the stress and anxiety one submission at a time.
❤ Great article!
Thank you!