I Wonder When I Love Me is Enough?

Be patient with yourself; be kind, and nurturing, and understanding. We are all processing this current pandemic in a multitude of ways, and everyone right now is suffering from a variety of losses, from personal, professional, educational and recreational. There is no right or wrong way to grieve the missed dances, graduations, weddings, and competitions, but we should be kind to ourselves and one another in the process. This would probably be an excellent time for me to let my reading audience know that seldom do I take my own advice, meaning then when it comes to hypercritical cruelty on one’s self, I am motherfucking Richard Roeper eviscerating every single one of my transgressions and imperfections under the watchful scrutiny of the world’s most prolific magnifying glass. I get so frustrated and angry with myself for not being seemingly perfect at the things I set out to do, and it absolutely destroys me. I’m so sick of feeling downtrodden and resolutely beaten over the voices in my head constantly critiquing my every move, thought, and performance. Do I really expect not to be outmatched my a male blackbelt twice my size on the mats? Yet I want to crumple into tears after almost every single sparring session. It’s not him I am mad at, but I am angry at myself simply for not being better. No matter what it is I do, I always tell myself it wasn’t good enough. I am meaner to myself in a way I would never allow anyone else to speak to someone I love in that same negative manner, so why don’t I employ that same kindness when it comes to me?

Singer Demi Lovato, (a blue belt in Jiu Jitsu by the way), just came out with a song that pretty much describes this exact sentiment to a ‘T’. She spent years suffering in silence, never glamorizing drugs or partying, not really in the tabloids, until her fateful overdose. Apparently she had a very serious drug problem and almost died. Many people have turned her tragedy into some sort of joke, and it must be nice to not have ever have dealt with the throes and mental anguish of addiction, self mutilation, depression, and anxiety, but compassion is an awfully exempt character trait these days. In her newest song, she talks about letting all the negative comments on the internet get to her, the guilt she feels over things such as eating, how her self criticisms constantly tear her down and she self destructs her own happiness, and comparing herself to those around her. I have a feeling many of us can relate on multiple levels. Especially my fellow BJJ practitioners when she sings about how she’s a black belt when she’s beating up on herself but an expert at giving love to somebody else. Perhaps we should start celebrating our minor accomplishments, no matter how trivial. Like getting up and taking a shower, or going a day without talking bad about ourself, or being open to new experiences. Learning to love oneself can be one of the most arduous tasks in existence, but kindness and patience can go a long way. I am slowly trying to repeat the line in Lovato’s song where she laments “I wonder when I love me is enough?”

It’s not fair for me to expect someone else to love me unconditionally, when I can’t exude that same empathy to myself. Does my heart not deserve the same respect and understanding I provide to all the others in my life I love wholeheartedly? Who on this planet is fucking perfect!? Certainly not I. I just unfortunately have a personality flaw where I am ultra competitive and don’t like being bad at something which means I will keep trying and practicing every single day. Sometimes this is a good thing, as it makes me a dedicated athlete and loving caretaker, but other times this makes me neurotic, overzealous, smothering, and riddled with stress. This does mean that I am getting better at the tasks I set out to do, albeit however slowly, but I will still falter and make mistakes because perfection is simply unattainable. Instead of coming to a rational understanding about this, I want to cry, call myself names, and keep practicing until I bleed. Clearly, this is the opposite of a healthy coping mechanism. And then I start rolling with my partner and I end up apologizing for not being a challenge or I stifle my tears because I feel like I suck and I’m trash and I shouldn’t even be doing this et cetera et cetera. It probably pains him to see the woman he cares about be so mean to herself and create a detrimental display of stress inducing reactions. For someone like me who is so adamant on being healthy, eating whole and natural foods, drinking plenty of water, exercising and stretching, I am so desperately unhealthy when it comes to my mentality and it is doing nothing but poisoning me from the inside out. Loving yourself is a lifesaving medicated prescription that I seem to be withholding from myself like a pharmaceutical company needing proof of insurance.

For those of us that carry so much love in our hearts, we can more than afford to divert a little bit to ourselves from time to time. We must accept the lives and bodies we were born in and that we have both the ability and capability to make positive changes to all aspects of it. I must remember there are people in my life I care so deeply about and that look up to me, and I never want them emulating the harshness of which I treat myself. While it is admirable to strive in life and try my best to persevere even through the most difficult of tasks, I need to constantly remind myself that patience is a virtue. With time, I can improve and accomplish great things, but Rome wasn’t built in a day and Wolf Queen wasn’t either. Strangers may glimpse into the parts of my life on display for the public, but they do not see the blood, sweat, and tears that goes into achieving theses dreams and many times I sweat like Carole Baskin at a zoo, bleed like a stuck pig, and cry enough tears to quench the thirst of a thousand men on the internet sliding into strangers DM’s. I feel bad for celebrities in the spotlight who have strangers commenting on every little thing they do because they see them on their screens and all of a sudden think they personally know them and become invested and infatuated with their life choices. No one truly knows what goes on behind closed doors and often times, a smile has been a better mask at protecting oneself than these Covid19 cloth masks running amok. Take a deep breath and inhale all the good while exhaling all the bad, just do it from 6 feet apart.

So, why do we self sabotage? Do we feel we aren’t worthy of the good things life has to offer? Or are we punishing ourselves over some long ridden guilt that really has nothing to do with us? Everyone does it and I am freaking sick of it. Honestly, fuck this virus pandemic. In my opinion, the biggest pandemic we have had as a human race is treating ourselves like an afterthought. We are burning the candle at both ends and then becoming infuriated with ourselves when we combust into an infernal blaze that can’t be extinguished. I am vowing to myself right now that the only thing I am setting on fire is my soul and it is with all the things that bring me happiness and joy. Even Smokey the Bear can’t put a stop to this arson and my flames of passion will rage on. And if I ever need a little reminder, I’ll play that Demi Lovato song and sing at the top of my lungs “I’m my own worst critic, talk a whole lot of shit. But I’m a 10 out of 10 even when I forget.” Because it’s true, and sometimes we just need a little bit of a reminder. I must remember that I am trying and truly doing the best that I can. So if you’re at home wondering how those Pinterest moms can organize a house, homeschool their kids, and have pristine makeup, know that you are not alone. It’s okay to look a bit like Grendel emerging from Beowulf’s chamber while snapping at the children to not stick their fingers in the peanut butter jar. It’s okay to try to cook a big family meal and fail spectacularly. And it’s okay not be able to submit your blackbelt boyfriend on the mats. We are gonna make it through this, we just got to be kind and patient with ourselves throughout the problems. Right now, I love me, and trust me when I say, that this is enough.

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