Make Me the Bad Guy, Chun-Li

It’s amazing how you can accomplish so much and yet, still feel like a failure. Overall, I had a pretty significant year, but all I can do is focus upon the areas in which I fell short. I do this with every training session as well. Instead of thinking about what I’m walking away having accomplished, all I can do is focus on every little single thing I did wrong. One of my coaches tries to spin this in a positive light and tells me how this is a good thing because it means I am always willing to adapt and therefore always learning and growing. He says when I stop seeing my mistakes is when there is a problem as it means I have become complacent. But I don’t know if my stubborn mind always believes him. The struggle with being a perfectionist is how much it kills you inside when lo and behold, it turns out you are in fact not perfect. Day in and day out I put forth so much effort to strive and continuously be at the top of my game and I always feel as if I am forever drowning just below the surface. If this was the Titanic, I always feel like Jack holding on to a door, shivering into the icy depths of the oceanic abyss and dying a slow and painful death when there clearly was enough room for both of them to fit. I’ll forever be one of those people in which nothing will come easy to, but if I keep fighting and keep on trying, I know I can reach the levels and expectations I set for myself. It’s just that this arduous journey requires a strong mind and even stronger will and my sensitivity often impedes that.

I was very fortunate to have won the title of amateur wmma fighter of the year. I may have won a championship belt this year, but I was far from having the best record and it was an honor people deemed me worthy of such an accolade both inside the cage and out of it. I know there were individuals upset and perhaps some channeled their frustrations through vitriolic ugliness on the keyboards, but I understand. Those that are hurt often lash out in anger. As someone who like the majority of people, suffered from bullying in high school, I won’t ever stoop to that level. I know how it makes someone feel and it is not an enjoyable emotion. Especially because I know I am somewhat decent at articulating myself and conveying a message through my words and I don’t want to use my platform for anything other than good. If another individual finds it necessary to lambast me online in order to feel better and justify their rudeness, then so be it. It wasn’t the first time this year and I doubt it will be the last. I’ve had an experience recently where I learned no matter how much you try to assist and help someone, if they refuse to ever like or accommodate you, they will vilify you in their own mind. No matter what you do or say they will paint this narrative in which you are always the bad guy no matter what. This speaks volumes of them and not you. Holding on to hate in their hearts has zero effect on my wellbeing, but surely enough, will poison them from the inside out. I won’t ever win out on universal popularity, and if they need me to be the bad guy, I hope they at least deem my performance Oscar worthy.

Again, I may accomplish much in my career, but I’m only human and have days where I feel as much an inexperienced white belt and novice fighter as the rest of us. Nothing is more humbling to me than a packed night on the mats where we finish by doing some king of the hill. Professor picks a position to start in and the ruleset. Sometimes, submissions are allowed, but sometimes the person on top can only pass the guard while the person on bottom can only sweep or submit. As by far, the tiniest person in the gym, I am sometimes at a significant disadvantage. Occasionally someone will power through full force in order to pass or overexert themselves to use every bit of size and strength for the sweep. If it’s a full on roll, with my years of training, I do quite well and can navigate the much larger adversary without too much difficulty. But when the roll ends with a pass or a sweep, I find myself on the bottom of the totem pole more often than not. And what really gets me, is I notice many of the bigger, stronger guys with less experience hone in on me like a missile in order to get paired up with me as technique wise I pose a bit of a challenge, but size, strength, and leverage wise, I do not and it gives them quite the fighting chance. As a very active competitor, I won’t ever use brute strength for strength and push through that barrier at the risk of unintentional injury when my entire career is based on a healthy body able to fight. This is something I had to learn to be okay with as an ego is only good for causing suffering and pain. Jiu Jitsu is definitely made for the smaller person to combat size and strength with technique, but once someone has enough time on the mats, size becomes a huge factor and you are a fool if you think it does not. I’ve got enough skill behind me to avoid injuries, but sometimes accidents do happen, and if conceding to a pass or a sweep on king of the hill will keep me safe, then it is my duty to preserve myself first and foremost. These lessons in humility will only make me better and stronger in the long run regardless and I just need to suck up those feelings like a Hoover and push forward.

I am not your enemy, even in the cage or on the mats. If I am slotted to fight you, I don’t hate you, it’s my job. If we are competing, I want to win, but I am not out to permanently incapacitate you or ruin your life. I guess that in this day and age of the UFC, controversy and trash talk sells. But look what happened to Colby Covington. He hyped up his fight versus Usman by saying exceptionally vile things, and then he got his jaw broke, literally rendering him speechless. Anything can happen in a fight, so I don’t understand why more of these athletes don’t allow to let their fists do all the talking they need. I strive exceptionally hard to be a good fighter, but I also want to be a good person, and I do not believe that either of those things are mutually exclusive. I harbor an incredible passion for helping people and trying to do right by the world, but again, I have learned that sometimes that won’t ever be enough. Even recently, the reason someone gave me for slandering my name online and degrading me in comments despite being a parent, was because his daughters wouldn’t see what he posted. I must have missed the memo where being a shitty person doesn’t count if the people we care about don’t see us being a disgusting human being to a complete stranger. I guess it only matters if others witness us being ugly. With enough trash in the world, I won’t ever add to that ever increasing pile of dung, but I will Clorox the shit out of it whenever I can. Cleaning soothes my anxiety anyways so honestly it’s a win-win situation.

At the conclusion of this blog, I anxiously await the comments from those who tell me “but Sam, haven’t you written about not living up to your expectations before? Are you running out of ideas?” Well, tough titties. It’s my blog and therefore my outlet to divulge whatever is currently weighing heavily on my mind and soul. I am off to go train in a bit, and while I am sure I will make some egregious errors here and there, I won’t only focus on my mistakes. I promise to walk away from every training session this week with at least one positive affirmation about what I was able to accomplish, even if that sole accomplishment is not crying on the mats. Hey, I’ll take what I can get. And I’ll psyche myself up by listening to ‘Chun-Li’ by Nicki Minaj on the way there, where she talks about people making her out to be the bad guy. Or maybe some ‘Bad Guy’ by Billie Eilish, duh. It’s not a moniker I set out to achieve, but if someone is going to be thrown with that title, might as well be me to keep others from having to deal with the naysayers. I’ll bear that burden and I won’t let it conform my kind heart in any way whatsoever. Frankenstein’s monster was never a monster, just a misunderstood antagonist to fit the perspective and narrative of the story. Ignorance is one of the most detrimental things that can happen in a society, and perhaps my professor is right when he says that only when we stop seeing our mistakes and areas which need improvement is when we truly fail. Never think you’re above learning, comprehending, and growing, otherwise we inhibit our mindsets and limit our potential. But we must also be a bit kinder to ourselves in turn as I am sure the many critics surrounding us will share enough negativity about who we are as a person that we do not need to add to that. And as Nicki says, “They need rappers fighters like me, They need rappers fighters like me, so they can get on their fucking keyboards and make me the bad guy, Chun-Li.”