Ever hear the phrase that if you’re always the smartest person in the room, then you should get up and go find a new room? I am really trying to abide by this mindset lately. Not that I’m ever the most intelligent in any given room, I’m a moron, but I am always willing to learn. This applies to so much in life. I never want to constantly be in a gym beating everyone in Jiu Jitsu, because then I will never improve my game and will absolutely get slaughtered when I compete. I guess it’s a good thing my dojo is full of such mat savages because I don’t think I have once ever had what would be considered “an easy day” but in the long run, it makes me better. I’m currently ranked #6 in the nation for amateur atom weight rankings and I am sure my teammates won’t hesitate to help beat on me until I can climb the ranks. Lucky for me, I then get to come home to my house where I am surrounded by people who have very different areas of expertise than I do and therefore I am always constantly learning. Especially when it comes to learning about being there for kids; I always wonder if I am doing the right things, but I guess the fact that I’m even questioning every action and decision I make proves how hard I am trying to make sure I can be the best version of this possible.
It’s amazing how we can portray ourselves on social media in a way that is completely concealing of factuality. We are in charge of what we choose to display publicly, and most choose their highlight reel versus their bloopers, and it is so incredibly difficult to not cast shadows of comparisons on ourselves to what others are doing around us. On social media, I probably resemble an adult who seemingly has all of their shit together, but more often than not, I’m a leaky bag of manure desecrating all of my surroundings. I wonder if people ever read my posts and wonder how I seem to be so capable of adulting without realizing I do the most outlandishly un-adult things. I’ll spend all day preparing 5 course meals for my family and bleaching down every crevice in my house but then suffer a panic attack over a pants string becoming unraveled. Why am I like this? I’ll color code the entire closet and organize each t-shirt by tournament but then ignore my email inbox for weeks at a time in the hopes that my responsibilities will seamlessly dissipate. I can wake up at the crack of dawn to teach class or take the kids to school but if any unexpected errand arises, it completely throws me off into a hyperventilated frenzy. I wish I was better at adulting and I wish I was better at composing myself. Sometimes I think I have a grasp on things, but then I suddenly remember something I had temporarily forgotten about and I am back to being a high strung, frazzled, and chaotic mess.
I am in awe of adults who can maintain their composure no matter what situation arises. I’ve watched my partner go through brutal practices on the mat and deal with incredibly difficult life situations and he seems to remain calm and handle it all with ease. Meanwhile, I am always biting the inside of my cheek to keep the tears from publicly spilling out until I can slink away to the privacy of the showers where my tears can flow freely. I beat myself up in my head more times than I get dealt those blows on the mats and then often times post a positive or uplifting quote on facebook that is completely not a reflection of my current state of mind or my mood. Maybe it’s because I’m hoping to breathe life into that aforementioned quote in the naive hopes that it translates and carries over into existence. Basically, if you’re reading my motivational quotes on social media, you should probably think to yourself that I either had a very emotionally trying day or I got my absolute ass kicked in the gym and that I am trying my darnedest to shine ray of light on a gloomy and overcast day. Check on your “happy” friends y’all, because it just might be that they are the best at concealing the secretive hurt creeping below the surface.
Growing up can be difficult; no one on this Earth asked to be born. Hell, I’m a triplet and I’m pretty sure my parents were only banking on one kid in the womb when surprise! Turns out there’s 3 of us. So basically they birthed a litter rather than a child which, if I am being honest, sounds like my worst nightmare so shoutout mom and dad for handling the cards they were dealt on that hand. Though perhaps if they knew how I’d turn out, they may have rethought that decision, but alas, I’m here, full of tears, and facing fears every single day. To all the moms and dads out there trying their best to do right by their kids, y’all are the real MVPs and in case your kid hasn’t told you lately (as they tend to only appreciate these things when they’re older), I think you guys are doing a fantastic job and I have nothing but respect for you. To all the fighters sacrificing so much in their lives in order to pursue these goals and dreams, the same goes for you. No one knows what it is like to walk a mile in another person’s shoes, especially someone trying to juggle all of these things, and as someone who has dipped my toes into a few of the above, motherfucking kudos to you, you magnificent specimens. Life is hard man, and the fact that every day you get up and accomplish what needs to be done, even if you hit a few hiccups a long the way, I want you to know there are those of us out there admiring from afar and you are doing great.
This has honestly got to be my weirdest blog post to date and I still don’t understand how I have accrued any readers on this platform when I expose all my flaws and vulnerabilities, but here we are. I am shit at being an adult, but just like your last girlfriend, I fake it quite well. And if this piece of writing is all over the place, I’ve drastically reduced my caffeine intake by dialing back down the coffee and replacing it with naturally caffeinated water, which is honestly the bomb let me tell you. I try and produce a blog every week, and I really try to make it uplifting and inspiring but sometimes it’s just not reflective of my current state of wellbeing and that is ok. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not wallowing in a darkened corner of my bedroom clutching my blankets and refusing to engage with the world, but sometimes I need a break from the pries of society. I chose this life so by no means am I expressing any contempt for it, but it can be very emotionally and physically draining and ya girl needs to recharge her batteries. Always remember, you can not pour from an empty cup. It’s okay if you need to miss a Jiu Jitsu class every now and then. Since I am currently in the throes of fight camp, that option is not available to me so I choose to focus on the little things to spark joy in my life a la Marie Kondo. Spending time with my family, binging Jeopardy on Netflix (don’t judge), a paper face mask, a massage, throwing down in the kitchen, reading a book etc. Trust me when I say, these things will keep the mundane at bay and allow you to hold on to any remnants of sanity.
I’ll reiterate again, adulting is hard, but the good thing is that there are literally billions of us out here fumbling along wondering how we have made it this far. Learn to cope, learn to breathe, and have a little fun a long the way. I am thankful for all the lows I am dealt in life because than the highs wouldn’t feel so good. You suffer, you persevere, you succeed, you prevail and then the cycle starts anew. I am not here crushing it, but I’ll be damned if that’s not what I am trying to do everyday, And should I fail today, I know that I will always have an opportunity for redemption tomorrow. I take pride in the little things, like making it an entire day without having to google something that is probable fairly common adult knowledge, and if you’re one of those people that claims you never have to do this, you sir or madam, are a liar. I read something recently I truly resonated with: adulthood is like going to the vet, and we are all the dog that was insanely excited for the car ride until we realized where we were going. And if you are as much of a fuck-up as me, you arrive at the vet’s office only to realize it is on fire and now your adulthood resembles a disastrous inferno that despite your impeccably high grades all throughout school, you are woefully underprepared. I think that’s why I enjoy being in a cage so much; there are rules and guidelines and I know what I am supposed to do. Until then, I just try to impersonate an adult until I can sync up with an adultier adult who may in fact actually know what they are doing.
