Wish Upon a Star

When I was a little kid, trapped in the backseat of the car betwixt my two brothers as my family was driving home from some sort of excursion, I remember vividly staring out the window and getting lost in the stars above me. Daydreaming as my thoughts wandered, staring at the galaxy and often pondering about the vastness of the universe and how it made me feel like a small and inconceivable speck. Just a blip in the radar when there were millions of other people staring up at the same night sky and perhaps wishing amongst them, juts as I was. I would hungrily scan the skies, searching for the brightest and most opulent burning ball of gas up there, and shut my eyes tight, wishing for something wonderful in my future. I was never superstitious or a nomadic day dreamer by any stretch of the imagination, but for some reason, stars were just different. If I was ever so lucky to see one ever shoot across the horizons in front of me, I’d be jamming my eyes shut tight, fervently whispering under my breath, and put all of my faith into the hopes and dreams I was desperately trying to wish into existence. Last night I gazed up at the sky as I was sitting passenger princess, and wondered silently to myself when I stopped making those wishes. So I closed my eyes and made one.

As a precocious toddler, I wished about princess castles and dreamed about rainbows and glitter. Then I got older, and began wishing for good things to happen to me at school, or to go to a Backstreet Boys concert, or to score a goal in my next soccer game. Then came middle school and the wishes on the stars to stop the bullying. Pleading with the galactic orbits to just look pretty like the other girls in my grade and stop being so far behind in development. Then I started wishing to one day fulfill my goals of fighting, be at the top of whatever endeavors I chose to do, and have my name synonymous with successful business and achieve a platform where I could eventually help others and make a difference. However, I wasn’t totally selfless and altruistic with my wishing. Because I also used to stare out the window from my college apartment and desperately wish on those stars for the type of love fairytales were written about. The type of love where someone would be proud to proclaim me as theirs, would both give anything to that person and allow them to be showered with love and affection, and the type of love that would be so strong, so pure, and so resolute, it would not only never be questioned, but be the object of desire for others as well. I would never admit to myself how badly I wanted to experience that, but it was my loftiest of aspirations I felt I would never achieve. Yet I had no problem believing I was destined to impact the world and pursue dreams of fighting haha.

Oh, how lucky I am to have been gifted this life I have already tried to do so much with, and will continue trying to do and accomplish all that I can. As cliche as it is to admit this, life really does pass by in the blink of an eye. From wishing in the backseat of a crowded dilapidated car, to staring at the stars in a comfy vehicle next to the love of my life after spending a wonderful weekend filled with my 2 favorite things: Jiu Jitsu and cooking. Wondering if all of my wishing in my youth helped to manifest these wonderful things in my present, but being so guarded and cautious in not allowing myself to get too comfortable in preparation for what lies ahead in my future. As I gazed out the window, wondering what I would wish for now, only two things came to mind. The first, was that I would want my loved ones and those I care about to maintain good health, happiness, love, and lasting comfort. Nothing brings me more joy than seeing good things happen to good people and I know some great ones who deserve the world of good things and want to keep them safe from any harm. And the second is purely selfish in wishing my stupid, dumb body could keep up with my strong mind when it comes to my training. Curse these dilapidated and rickety old knees and kinked up and jammed neck. Feel free to throw in some wishful thinking to the stars as well for all of my MMA and Jiu Jitsu people wondering why the best we can hope for to heal our chipping bones, torn cartilage, and shredded ligaments is ice, ibuprofen, and arthritis cream.

Looking at the stars last night did provide me with some wistful thinking coupled with a smidge of nostalgia and a dash of both sadness and delight. I mourned the time gone by and the little girl I once was before certain bitterness from the harshness of the world crept its way in. I know how fruitless it is to dwell on the what-ifs, the could-haves, the shouldn’t-haves, and the why’s. All it does is feel one with dread and sadness and nothing changes the circumstances no matter how much thinking you do about it. Our pasts are all full of mistakes and how one tiny thought, choice, or action imperceptibly altered the course of our entire future. Perhaps there are multiple dimensions out there where ourselves took a different path and ended up on a different timeline, but this is the one I am living now. My husband loves the quote “you can wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first.” Meaning without taking any action, wishes are just empty words. So as desperately as I wished, I worked twice as hard to cultivate the dreams into actions. I still have a long way to go until everything reaches fruition, but day by day, those little baby dreams begin to accrue.

I try not to think about all the things I am mad at myself for not accomplishing or not doing better. Deep down, I know I am trying the best that I can given what I’ve got. And I am also learning to be okay with not having the most healed-up body, because as wild as it is to admit out loud, my biggest and most far-fetched dream did come true. I know with my husband by my side, there is nothing I can’t make it through in life. I longed to one day have an enviable, undeniable, and unconditional love, and here I am, married to the one person who brings me so much joy, that even as a writer, words seem to fail me. Any star that dares to pass across my horizon will still get me to glance toward it and begin my thoughts of ‘Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might. How I wish, I wish tonight.” And I will always wish for the happiness, health, and success of the man I have right beside me to be with me until the end. And yes, occasionally I will slip up and throw in a pleading grace about some lubricated cartilage and knee ligaments and a decompressed cervical spine, because got damn, ya girl is in pain. Nothing wrong with wishing, as long as you understand the hard work that now has to be put into place. There are an abundance of dreams and burnt out suns thousands of galactic light years away. After all, if we were all meant to wish on the same star, there wouldn’t be so many in the sky.