Cupid’s Chokehold

It’s the 6th Valentine’s Day together with my person, but the first one as husband and wife. And yes, while I think this is a dumb commercial holiday all meant for the greeting card companies and chocolate companies to make copious amounts of money, I can’t help but to feel somewhat sentimental and especially grateful for the person I have been so fortunate to find. Whenever my social media memories pop up from a decade plus years ago, I can see how incredibly hurt and bitter I constantly was. I thought making those posts made me sound tough and like I didn’t care. In fact, I sounded ridiculously jaded and immature. It’s true what they say; confidence is quiet, but insecurity screams loudly. I was so insecure; about my looks, my appearance, my loneliness, etc. All of my posts talk about hating men and thinking they are all terrible, and sure, some of them are, but that is with all people and not mutually exclusive to one specific gender. I kept reiterating that one day I wanted to date someone who would be proud to proclaim that we were together, and he would shout it from the rooftops. Unfortunately, being young and naive, I had my fair share of kissing a few frogs before finding my prince. Luckily now, I can celebrate every day how stupidly in love I am and how happy he makes me. Even if this means celebrating on a pseudo-holiday where the mascot is a grown man in a diaper and angel wings.

We all go through multiple seasons and different eras in our lifetime. Some are wonderful, some are difficult, some lead to growth, some threaten to keep us down indefinitely, and some allow us to flourish. Right now, I am definitely in an internal battle full of tribulations and increasingly arduous events. However, I know that because one thing is resolute, being that I have the world’s best person for me right by my side, that I can endure the turmoil regardless of the obstacles life continues to throw at me. No one tell you how life will eventually test you, battle you, and even make you question your worth and your purpose. Everything was much simpler early on. I didn’t have any worries outside of school and my friends. Then, of course with anything, as you grow older, more and more problems begin to accrue. However, it’s not all bad. In my angsty years I. never even dreamed my life would end up where it is. Happy as hell in a home full of love, working at something I love, and building the strongest of bonds along the way. I guess I always had imagined myself as some workaholic spinster, crushing goals and hearts as I climbed my way to the top. I have never been more happy to be so wrong.

So on the days where I am feeling down and out, holding back tears (and there seems to be quite a few of them lately), I have my supportive partner who is there to help pick me up when I need it the most. Even when my heart gets broken through some setbacks in my career, or the friendship relationships that get severed, he is there to remind me about those I still have in my life full of unconditional love. I am sure there are probably quite a few people on my social media pages who are so annoyed with the amount of times I post about how great my husband is and how much I love him, but I am so unbothered by it I promise. I will continue to share my happiness and post to the world about how fantastic he is because the world needs more good posts instead of always being littered with negativity. I also don’t think he could ever get enough credit for being so wonderful, so I will always be the one to sing his praises and celebrate him for the awesome human and admirable man that he is.

I was laughing this morning looking at the old posts in my memories and how dramatic I used to be. When you are currently living in that moment, it is so hard to see what the possibilities that lie in your future can amount to. I can’t even begin to describe how much I love being married, especially to John Schell. And love found me most when I least expected it. I was never looking for that one relationship where I would commit myself for life to a single person who I knew I could be with forever. Yet, here I am, giggling with glee anytime I hear someone refer to me as Mrs. Schell. That’s right, put some respect on my name. What a joy it is to wake up every day and cuddle up to the person who loves me most and will continue to protect me with every fiber of their being. Providing my life with safety, happiness, memories, and experiences until the end of time. Finding someone who makes you better, fills all the empty spaces in your heart, and can be as much of a best friend as they are a romantic partner is truly a gift amongst gifts. Helps me embrace whatever hardships still lay ahead because I know I have a partner to help me navigate through the storms until we can make it to the next sunrise.

Even though today is simply just another day, it will still be special to me for being the first married Valentine’s Day that we have. I don’t mind that cupid got me in a chokehold, because our curriculum this week at the gym happens to be back-take defenses anyway, so I am fully prepared to counter that technique regardless. Love, (and I mean any kind of love, including platonic and familial and anything and everything in between), truly makes the world go round and life worth living. And what may not be your current predicament, you could easily wake up tomorrow and have love fall right into your lap. That’s the beauty of it, no matter what happens in this world, love will always exist anywhere and everywhere, and the only thing that needs to happen is its discovery. I wish adolescent me could have let go of some of that bitterness and understood that temporary feelings are never permanent solutions. The ebb and flow of life and love is one hell of a ride, and I sure am here for it. Roses are red. Violets are blue. John Schell is my love. And so is Jiu Jitsu.