A Girl’s Girl

Sometimes you hear certain different phrases and colloquialisms, and you’re not really sure that they mean. Maybe you have a broad general understanding, but a lot of times it is difficult to grasp the full comprehension of something unless you have lived it. Girlhood is something that I think is very difficult to someone who did not, in fact, grow up a girl. There are so many shared experiences and similar canon-like events that happen to girls from all walks of life. These situations are what lead to girls growing up and forming bonds with each other, looking out for one another, and sympathizing with each other because they just “get it.” I am not saying men don’t have their own tribulations, bonds, and friendships, I am just saying that it’s different, and that’s okay.

Being a girl’s girl means you understand you are not in competition with your female peers, but that you acknowledge and look out for them, sometimes even hyping them up. You see a woman in public with a stain on the back of her pants and you inconspicuously tell her rather than openly point and mock her. You witness a woman at a club clearly uncomfortable around an aggressive man, and you loop arms with her and whisk her away to dance with your friends, even if you have never met her before. A friend tells you about an amazing job opportunity and you congratulate her and celebrate her accomplishment without feeling the need to wheedle in your own achievements. It’s okay to step to the side to allow other women in the sun; it won’t eclipse your shadow permanently. It’s alright to straighten another woman’s crown without telling the world it’s crooked. We have got to look out for one another.

One of the best examples I can think of witnessing being a girl’s girl firsthand, is all of the “are we dating the same guy?” Facebook groups specific for each town. I am not saying you don’t get your handful of crazies; for example women screaming ‘red flag’ at someone because they didn’t like the way they breathed. And sometimes you do see women fighting over the crustiest and dustiest of men. But for the most part, you really do see women looking out for one another and supporting each other. Unfortunately, there are some women, whom some refer to as ‘pick-me’s’ that will run and immediately tell their male friend that a person posted about them. They don’t do this to look out for the guy, but to curry favor with them, even if women are posting truths of their dangerous behavior and/or infidelity. Remember, someone’s platonic friendship with you can be an entirely different relationship than their romantic pursuits of another.

All the girls reading this will tell you that it sometimes gets tough in girl groups. When a group of women form a friendship, sometimes there are instances of cliquey-ness and catty behavior. Some of the women tend to flock toward a more alpha or Queen Bee type of personality, and divulge private information of the other women in order to be held in higher esteem by the leader of the pack. Stuff like this is reason number one of why I say everyone should try to be in a relationship or marry their best friend. Because I know if someone swears me to secrecy or tells me private information, I would never utter a word to anyone else, except for my husband. That’s my bestie; I don’t keep secrets from him, he keeps quiet about personal matters, and he usually has some pretty good advice. I can see how if people don’t have that in their life, they are itching and clamoring to disclose secrets to someone else in order to be liked more for the gossip they spread.

It feels pretty shitty to be a part of a bigger group, only to find out it breaks off into smaller factions to discuss some of the people in said group, including you. Whatever happened to the golden rule of treating others the way you would like to be treated? I am lucky to have kept the circles I surround myself with to be pretty consistently positive. If things take a turn, I refrain from engagement. I am not perfect, and am sure to have done some things that have caused pain to others, but I would do my best to try and make it right. Again, I am lucky to have such a good relationship with my husband that I don’t have the energy for ever feeling left out in certain social circles because I have enough social engagement with him. And that gratefulness also includes the girls in the family I married into. I love these strong female relationships I now have.

I grew up with brothers, and did not have any sisters or female cousins, so it’s nice I get to experience female familial relationships now. I also have great friendships with girls I consider my family too. It’s why our gym’s motto is “not all family is blood.” Although perhaps this has given me a somewhat spoiled perception, because when I go to some Jiu Jitsu gym’s Open Mats, and there are other ladies there, it kind of puts me off when they won’t roll with other visiting women. When we have visitors at our gym, especially women, I think all of our ladies have been so good at creating a welcoming environment. In fact, I would probably be a little bit upset if I found out one of our women refused to roll with any female visiting the gym and was pretty stand-offish to her. To me, that is not being a girl’s girl.

Listen, I get it. Rolling with people you don’t know can be a risk, especially if there is a size disadvantage. But when I started training 13 years ago, I would have killed to see more women training, especially upper belts. I’d like to think that as a fairly tiny black belt, I am a pretty safe roll. Especially now that I am riddled with weird health stuff and geriatric knees. And I know how to curtail a roll if someone wants to flow or go light. I feel like back in the day, ladies encouraged each other, even from opposing gyms, and there was a sense of female camaraderie. It’s definitely not a fun feeling to visit gyms and have any of the women view you as competition, or curb rolls with you specifically. Female empowerment doesn’t mean being the best woman there, but being the woman who helps each woman feel their best,

I guess you could say I am a little bit in my feels about all of this, but what can I say, I am a woman. Ha. We understand the flux of emotions that have came with some events of girlhood (and fyi men can be emotional too, I see it ALL the time at Jiu Jitsu). I’d rather be known for being a girl’s girl than known for submitting anyone. I hope all my friends and family members know they can come to me for anything and whether they are looking for advice, or for someone to just be silent and listen, I can accommodate for either. I am a true believer in staying true to your word, showing up for others, and loyalty and reliability. If I am your emergency contact, I promise I will pick up. If you need relationship advice, girl I got you. And if you just want to rip on the last guy who dated you, I can do that too. I’ll judge him girl, never you.

All this to say, I think it’s so important have strong female relationships in your life. I think I missed out on sisterhood so much, that I tried replicating it in the wrong places in the past. Now, I get to talk and be girls with my husband’s daughters. Which I know sounds weird, but there’s only a few years of an age gap because I married an old man. I was always so jealous of sisters, and it’s easy to see why. I love my brothers to death and they are my best friends after my husband, but female relationships are just different. I love and adore the women I have in my life now. From family to friendships, I just know they truly are girl’s girls. I’ll never get sick of the Facetime fashion advice, or hearing stories about dating. And to my millennial girls reading this, LYLAS, IYKYK.