Breaking Cycles

It’s easy to claim we are a product of our circumstances. The whole nature versus nurture debates and blank slate theory. Are we destined for certain things because of our genetic makeup? Or is it more dependent on the environments in which we are raised? The truth is though, that we become who we are due to a number of influencing factors, starting with our DNA. The genes that constitute our human bodies and the traits ingrained in us from our maternal and paternal sides. Then, that gets coupled with the environments we grow up in and how we are nurtured. Some people win both the genetic lottery and the life lottery of the families they grow up in. Others are dealt extremely unlucky genetics with predispositions and proclivities for certain innate behaviors and also born into tumultuous and hindering environments. There are some people who will thrive no matter what, simply because their brains are wired with an innate drive to be relentless in their pursuits. On the opposite end, there seems to be others who are almost destined to fail. A lot of times, the road ahead of us forks, and the path we choose can cultivate us or destroy us.

Personally, I have always been somewhat fascinated by these concepts, which have actually led to me obtaining one of my degrees in Psychology. I find humans to be fascinating, and understanding both DNA and the external factors that lead people to become what they become never ceases to amaze me. My main point of study was in criminology and specifically profiling criminal behavior to understand the type of mind that could be capable of committing heinous and violent acts. Let’s just say that there is a reason why there has been a number of male serial killers that have a peculiar and abusive relationship with their mother. While that may not be the sole reason they go on to commit atrocities, their genetic predisposition to such can make them vehemently more vulnerable and susceptible to influencing them down a dangerous and destructive path.

Because I am a triplet, I was privy enough to be able to test out some of my hypotheses firsthand. My brothers and I were clearly raised in the same environment, experienced many milestones together, had our parallel upbringings, and shared much of the same moments in life. But all three of us have very different mentalities. On some things, we could not be more opposite, and on others, we are virtually identical. I live for competition and stepping onto the mats, while one of my brothers (also a BJJ black belt) loathes competition. Both of my brothers wanted nothing more than to be married and have children of their own and have now done just that. Although I surprised myself by ending up married, I am still someone with zero desire to have any children. One of my brothers is the most social person I know, befriending everyone and always having something on his schedule. One brother is much more reclusive, and I am kind of a mixture between the two.

One of my brothers is an exceptionally capable artist, a talent he was born with. Sure, his talents were fostered by art classes he took growing up, but he was always skilled, even at a young age. Now, an art professor at the number one art school in the country (SCAD), he flourishes in a career it seems he was always destined for. My other brother, always a hard worker and always wanting to help people is now also in a career where he does just that. As for myself, I have always been ambitiously determined, which is evident from the path I took pursuing MMA and now helping to run a gym and also continue trying new baking endeavors. I seem to tackle new tasks constantly, and I live for conquering new challenges.

I excelled in school, but mainly because it came natural to me. Writing is the only thing I was ever naturally good at, and never had to take classes or lessons to learn how to do. I was an avid reader which I am sure helped to develop a strong vocabularly, and I enjoyed the way words formed on a paper could convey different stories. I won 1^st place at the literary fair every single year since 6^th grade in every written category I entered. But then, I stopped writing until the day my husband suggested I write a blog and here we are. He nurtured my natural ability. Obviously, it was something I was born with, but I am not sure from where because as far as I know, my family lineage isn’t polluted with poets and laureates, writers and valedictorians, and other noble achievements, I found my way to the pen. We also don’t seem to have a history of artists but my brother has an insane amount of natural artistic talent. I can’t draw for beans and neither can my other brother. Yet we literally all shared the womb. People are truly individual.

Though, as different as we are in some aspects, we are extremely alike in other ways, sometimes even with the way we phrase things. To me, I love how I have always had built-in best friends since birth, and siblings who have experienced a majority of the same things throughout childhood. Then you hear of stories of adopted twins raised separately and it really makes you think. There are stories of those born to addicts, and therefore a genetic predisposition for addiction. But one twin raised in one family grows up to have a successful career and family, and another ends up in squalor and battling addiction. There’s stories of separately adopted identical twins who grew up to live extremely similar lives, and some extremely opposite. All things that further establish nature versus nurture debates and how many things are ultimately a combination of the 2.

I have always been of the mindset that the majority of the time you either become exactly like your parents, or the total opposite. I have several friends, who maybe didn’t have the bets upbringing, or were extremely let down by the person or people who were supposed to protect them, keep them safe, love them, and raise them. Maybe they were not protected as children, or even downright neglected. But rather than repeat these patterns of cyclical behavior, they instead become amazing moms and amazing dads. It makes my eyes well up with tears when I see some of the people I care about be the person that they needed as children, and to know that their own children will never have to know the suffering, heartache, and pain of not having a good parent. To them, it doesn’t matter what their DNA says, they were determined to do right by their children, and prove that there is no cycle too strong that it can’t be broken.

Sure, it’s easy to say when things don’t pan out that it’s not your fault, because your genes were always going to hold you back. And it’s okay to be a little envious of the people who are born to loving families, seem to have beauty and talent, and never know what it is like to struggle medically or financially. But I truly believe with the right people to nurture us, almost anything can be conquered to sway in your favor. The difficulty lies in knowing when you’re on a path surrounded by the wrong people, versus breaking those chains to follow the right path. It might be 5 times as hard as another person’s journey, but there are people who exist who will help to nurture you, regardless of whether that is something you received from your own family.

And to those who are now raising families and doing everything in their power to set their children up to thrive in success in life, I raise my glass to you. Especially to those who had to battle out of hardships and carve through a treacherous path in order to find the light. People may only see your current life and the results of your hard work without truly knowing how absolutely hard you worked to get there. I see it, and I admire the hell out of it. Even with every possible excuse readily available to keep you down, you fought your way to battle to the top regardless and come out on the other end winning. We may not have been born to that type of nurturing environment, but we can certainly make our nature one who nurtures the next generation, so that they may know nothing but love and protection and security.