I know I have previously talked about how fast time goes by, but for some reason, the whole concept still fascinates me. Pictures pop up in your ‘memories’, and it draws a stark reminder when you see that baby face, how fast everything really goes. You really start to ponder about how the days are long, but the years are short, and you come to terms with life and your own mortality. You think it was just yesterday you were a precocious child navigating adolescence, a young adult venturing into the real world for the first time, a person settling into a career and beginning a family, a middle-aged adult watching your children fly from the nest, and then before you know it, you are now a senior citizen trying to enjoy life’s “golden years.” If you have kids, you start thinking of the finite amount of summers and Christmases you have left in your home all together before everyone grows up and starts their lives for themselves. Just thinking about it all is enough to send you into a tailspin and illicit a panic attack.
In moments of solitude, I find myself drifting off into daydreams. I have flashbacks and memories from my much younger years. Some things, I am utterly aghast that I randomly recall, while others are persistent perpetual reminders of various emotions. I catch myself remembering fond moments in my life and, also, replaying traumatic memories. Sometimes I wonder if an exceptionally good memory is a blessing or a curse. After all, it helped me tremendously in school and exams and I excelled quite expeditiously on that front. But I also suffer with the inability to let certain things go, forever lurking in the shadowy depths of my brain. I have come a long way in processing any prior grief or trauma, but it always lingers at the back of my mind, waiting on one little thing to spark a recurrent memory and fixate on it in the forefront. Perhaps one day I’ll be brave enough to write a blog on that, but for today, I’ll stick with the happy recollections.
I am so lucky to have married my best friend, and the person I am most excited in the world to grow old with. It’s crazy sometimes to look back on old photos of when our relationship was brand new. I am lucky to have never lost that exciting spark. Because he is my friend, every new adventure is fun and exciting. Doing nothing together is fun. Going on random excursions together is fun. Basically, anything we do, as long as we have each other, is a good time. Eventually children grow up, and move out, and possibly have their own families. It is important that a couple finds strength in their companionship, especially without the cushion the children provide, otherwise life is too short, and everyone should have the chance to explore the possibility to have the best partner suited for them.
Speaking of kids, I never had any of my own, nor did I ever want to. In fact, I always knew it wasn’t for me, and even would have gone so far to say I would never date anyone who did have kids. Well, obviously, that changed, as John has quite a few of them. 2 of his children were still minors (13 & 14) when we first began dating and moved in together. That first year was definitely an experience. I never lived with kids (even as a triplet, my siblings were the exact same age as myself, and I didn’t even have younger cousins or anything), and there were quite a few adjustments on my end. I wasn’t good at stepping into any sort of role, and I am lucky to have always been treated with respect because, as an act of candor, I know I sucked at it. I tried my best to know my place, not overstep, and still be affectionate, but that first year was mostly lots of silence and shared awkward moments.
I do not blame anyone, or harbor any ill will, because it’s tough being a kid. Like I said, my memory is pretty astute, and I remember how much I struggled balancing tumultuous emotions and feeling like every single experience was the most dramatically worst thing ever. Throw in divorce and new relationships and yeah, sometimes being a kid involved in all of that can downright suck. But in my hazy daydreams aforementioned above, I will literally get teary-eyed thinking of just how far everything has come since then. I went from being just ‘dad’s girlfriend’ to genuinely cared for. I can not tell you how much it means to a person to be seen for the person that you are and the things you have done, and to know there is value in your opinions. To be asked for life advice or thoughts on a new relationship is enough to multiply my heart more-so than the Grinch on Christmas. Every rough moment, every angry thought aimed in your direction, was all worth it. I look back knowing I would do it all over, again and again, and choose it in every single lifetime if it meant having the people in my life that I do right now.
Now, everyone is grown up, with jobs and careers, boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands, and children, and I really can’t believe how fast it has all gone. I am beaming with pride at all of their accomplishments, and I don’t think I will ever be as happy as I am knowing that they are happy. In fact, I remember when any of them went through hard times, it literally felt like my heart was being ripped out, especially because I couldn’t take the pain away from them. Any suffering I saw made me want to do anything in my power to absorb that pain instead. I am also so ridiculously proud of the man I married for helping to make such amazing children. They truly are incredible. Seeing all his grandchildren grow up is such a blessing. And if it makes me feel old, I can only imagine what it does for him. Although he did pluck a gray hair out of my scalp the other day. Debate is still up in the air for me though of whether it was actually just extremely blonde. Ignore the fact that I am, in fact, a complete brunette.
From making myself appear small in shared spaces and stepping on eggshells to not impede on anyone, to now preparing for the 8th Thanksgiving hosting all of the family after almost 9 years. I am still amazed how fast it has all gone. The family gatherings keep multiplying in size, and I am always excited to have people to feed and take care of. As fast as everything continues to fly by, years from now I’ll re-read this blog as someone is getting ready for another wedding or the 14th grandchild is being born, and my eyes will once again well up with tears as I think about it all. It brings me so much joy to make all the birthday cakes every year, and see everyone together and happy. And as always, there will always be a warm plate and friendly ear for anyone who wants to take me up on that.
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