In Sickness & In Health

You never realize how substantial and impactful the vows you take at your wedding can be until you come face to face with the scary realization of testing them out. It is so important when choosing your life partner, whomever that may be, that you choose wisely. Sure, you want to find your partner aesthetically pleasing to look at, with a passion that lights your body on fire whenever you stare into their eyes or survey their body, creating the perfect harmony of lust and love. But what happens as you age, and you look differently, is your personality and character still as attractive? Then, when life throws some hardships your way, such as grief over death, or serious health issues, is the person you chose someone you can rely on in times of trouble and need? The person who will help alleviate some of those burdens, support you, be a shoulder to cry on, and the person to make you smile again? A life partner isn’t just about sexual attraction, but the reliability of companionship and camaraderie as well.

While I have been with my husband for almost 9 years, we have only been married for 2 ½, and I never thought our vows would have been tested so soon. I can say without a doubt that I truly love my best friend, and I have no qualms or concerns about those feelings being reciprocated. I always joke that every night feels like a sleepover with my best friend, because we are always laughing and having a good time when we are together. God forbid anything should happen, and I wouldn’t hesitate to be right by his side to help him with whatever is necessary. Relationships aren’t always 50/50; some days they are 90/10 or 30/70, or whatever they need to be to make up the whole 100. But there are times when one person is carrying the majority of the load, and it’s not about keeping score about who does the most, but understanding that life is often a cohesive balance of the shifts of give and take.

Approximately 3 years ago, I started developing these horrific migraines out of nowhere. I would have a pounding headache that normal medication couldn’t touch, I would be extremely nauseous, and vomiting made it worse. When I finally got in with a neurologist, the only thing that seemed to help was a strong triptan abortive, powerful anti-nausea meds, some Benadryl, quarterly Botox injections, and rest. I tried so many other things to help, such as a multitude of supplements, stopping hormonal contraceptives, and even training my dog to smell an oncoming migraine so she could alert me to take medication before it developed too much, thus making the meds primarily ineffective. Then about 9 months ago, my headaches changed.

I stopped getting head pain with these “migraines”, but instead started to get these dizzy episodes. I felt drunk, my vision (especially in my right eye) would become extremely blurry, and I couldn’t see straight. It was terrifying, but only happened every now and then, so I would just take my migraine meds and try to sleep it off. I couldn’t drive when these episodes occurred, and it started to scare me when they would become more frequent. I didn’t know what was happening or why my body would betray me like this, and a few friends who witnessed these “attacks” occurring were equally as worried.

At the beginning of this year, my symptoms got worse. I got a brain MRI, which thankfully came up clean, but I had no idea why I was getting so dizzy. Then I had a really bad bout of pulsatile tinnitus (only in my right ear) that I received a CT scan for, and again, nothing. I got recommended to a rheumatologist where I tested positive for some rare autoimmune disorders, but none of that explained my other symptoms. I started to have these episodic situations where I would spike in blood pressure at times and have difficulty catching my breath, and at other times I would feel extremely amped up and jittery, as if I had just competed in a Jiu Jitsu competition or did a butt ton of caffeine (even when I hadn’t), and break out into a cold sweat. It was so weird, and so hard to describe to people. Imagine being on a bunch of amphetamines without the mental clarity or focus. I would sometimes wake up at 2 am feeling like that, with my heart all fluttery (not really sped up, just felt weird).

Again, I tried to gaslight myself that nothing was really wrong. Then, a couple of months ago, I started to get extremely red and flushed when doing Jiu Jitsu, and it would stay that way for hours. I felt like I couldn’t regulate my body temperature at all, and I was so red people were getting concerned. Then I started passing out. It happened a couple of times, and then happened in front of a huge crowd at Toro Cup. Same set up; I hadn’t been feeling well all day (I was actually concerned because I was peeing blood that day, which has happened a few times now), I started to become dizzy and disoriented, which if you watch me closely, you can see the confusion set in, and then I guess I just passed out. I barely remember anything from my match honestly. Thank goodness my husband was there because he knows this wasn’t the first time. Again, felt like I had trouble regulating my body temperature.

Don’t think I am an idiot or that I don’t try to take care of myself. When I first had a passing out incident and spike in blood pressure with the jitteriness and cold sweats, John was out of town, and I ended up going to the ER. I was so worried I was going to collapse at home without anyone to find me, and I felt so weird with the amped-up feeling, that I was worried something was seriously wrong. Because I am so healthy everywhere else, I was fairly quickly dismissed and told I had anxiety. Not to be rude, but I fought MMA on national tv, I don’t have anxiety, and certainly not from sitting around. When I went to the hospital, my BP was 177/133, and after 2 hours went down to 150/110, but they simply said to follow up with another doctor without any real examination.

I’ve had some other weird symptoms too. My period stopped randomly for 4 months, and no one knows why. I also swear I woke up one day with, embarrassingly enough, like a full beard. I am not talking the occasional chin hair, but so many fully developed hairs, a condition known as hirsutism. I have since undergone laser hair removal because wtf. My husband likes to remind me that I am technically a grandma through marriage, but I am pretty sure it doesn’t work that way. Sometimes at night, my feet get so hot they feel like they’re on fire. I’ve also had periods of time where I rapidly gain a lot of weight, and just as rapidly lose a lot of weight. My eating and workouts have always been consistent, so none of that makes sense. The dizziness has gotten so frequent, and for some reason Benadryl helps, so I always keep it on me. The weird thing is that it doesn’t make me sleepy at all, and sometimes I was having up to 6 a day.

I’ve gone through an insane amount of tests the past few weeks. Saw one endocrinologist who pretty much admitted being baffled, so now I am waiting on seeing a specialist at Duke. I have had 24 hour urine tests, glucose tests, vestibular tests, and more blood work than I’d like to admit. I had high aldosterone once, which made them think adrenal or pituitary related, possibly a tumor, but then it was normal the second time. In fact, the only thing that ever flags is I have a high red blood cell count, high ferritin (iron) levels, and low testosterone. The only other weird thing is my prolactin, which was a 14 in February, and now flags extremely high at 46.5. I was told my migraine meds could cause this, but I have been on these same migraine meds for a few years now so I am not sure why there would be a sudden jump. Mentions of MCAS and polycythemia have floated around, but with how healthcare in this country is set up, I am constantly playing a long waiting game of referrals and uncertainties.

This past week has been terrible. I have had to stop training every single night during live rolls because I felt like I was going to pass out. I am so amped up all the time, but then sometimes, feel so weak and light-headed. I will be hungry one second, but get full really quickly and stop eating. I can’t sleep because I am constantly shivering from the cold sweats, feeling super jittery, and for some reason, have had to pee almost every single hour. So I have given up on sleep and just try to get some work done instead. Anytime I see a new doctor, my husband is adamant that I demand more tests and not to leave until I get some answers. I don’t know if it’s because I am a woman, or because I am so seemingly healthy everywhere else, but I feel constantly dismissed. I am absolutely miserable; dizziness and passing out is extremely scary, and my poor dog is constantly working so hard alerting me to take meds that I am sure she would like nothing more than a well-deserved vacation.

I try to be grateful, because honestly my life is good. I just hate feeling sick all of the time now. I have put on a brave face and toughed it out for so long, but since everything is happening daily now without any sort of reprieve, I feel defeated. I have pulled myself from all upcoming competition because I feel that badly. I am too afraid to go off and do things where I might have to drive a long distance back, or do any sort of physical activity without my husband around in case anything happens. On top of all this, my knee still hurts like hell, but having some jacked up ligaments and scar tissue in my knee, even though it’s quite painful, is a lot less scary than any of these neurological issues. I hope beyond hope we can find the root of this soon, I am so sick of passing out and feeling terrible. Meanwhile, I will continue to be extremely thankful to have my amazing husband, who will love me for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do we part…….hopefully a long, long time away from now.