Blood is Thicker Than Water

Blood is thicker than water, but the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb; meaning that the relationships we choose to forge, and those who stand beside us in times of battle, are the strongest bonds in our life. The motto of our gym, “not all family is blood” is definitive proof of that exact sentiment. These are the people I consider family, and it matters not what genetic DNA is shared, but the love and respect that is shared instead. Family, and by this I mean the family we build these relationships with, is above all else the most important thing in life. There are some people who become family through marriage, or as step parents, or even through close friendships, and those who view these familial relationships as bonds that can not be broken or severed end up happier overall. The loyalty shared with those you care about helps make it through the tough times, despite whatever bumps in the road arise. I would not be the person I am today without my family by my side.

I have been truly blessed to have been born a triplet, and consider my brothers my two very best friends. As wombmates, we have been by each other’s sides since the jump, and I could not be more grateful to have them as my family, and they are still the ones I talk to about everything. Then, I have the family that I married into. Though I am not a Schell by blood or by birth, I feel as if I embody everything wonderful that constitutes as being honored with this surname. I have been so very lucky to have been embraced and accepted and even loved by my new family. Many people don’t realize what a hugely positive impact it has on someone to be welcomed into a family, especially one in which many pre-established bonds have already taken place. When you’re not accepted, or even ostracized with cruelty, it can send you spiraling into the throes of solitude and depression. The love I have for my husband’s kids is insurmountable, and I would do anything for them, which is entirely shocking to me as I was always the least maternal person I knew. Nowadays I would do my very best to ensure their happiness and wellbeing. Things definitely change.

All of this to say that it’s important to treasure those in your life that you consider family. Whether that is chosen family or born family, understand that the people who are most important to you can be gone in an instant, and it is important to take advantage of the present. Life is far too short, and it can change in the blink of an eye, so as hard as it may be to swallow pride and set some things aside, it can really hinder relationships to let things fester and cause separation. I have dealt with too much loss in my life over the past few years, and it really made me realize how valuable and how fragile life really is. Were I to die tomorrow, I would want all of my loved ones to know that they were the ones that mattered most to me in life above all else. Our relationships is what always kept me going, even in the bad days. Terrible things could happen in my life, but at the end of the day I knew I would be okay because I had my family with me.

Hanging on to anger and resentment has only hurt myself in the end. As much as I thought being stubborn was doing what was best, I was slowly killing all of my joy and watching my happiness evaporate over time. My subliminal thoughts would always haunt me in my sleeping hours, because if I had any issues in my life, they would manifest in these horrific nightmares that kept me feeling unrested and exhausted. My dreams were haunting me and have me waking up in cold sweats and shortness of breath as I gasped for air hoping none of it was true. I have made so many mistakes on this path, especially as my role as a bonus parent, and it kills me to know of any pain I had caused. I am a person who errs and is nowhere near perfect, and I never saw myself ever being in this position, and sometimes I wish I could go back in time and have one big do-over and just be better. All of them deserved a better version of myself than I was able to give. It’s so hard to realize you weren’t right, or that you caused hurt. I was learning too, and all I ever wanted was work hard, provide good examples, support those who needed it, and spread love every step of the way.

I’ll always be sorry for all of the pain I had ever caused, unknowingly or not. I never wanted to be a source of suffering, and I am riddled with guilt every single day of my life knowing I could have been better. I think I will spend my remaining years on this earth trying to make up for any of my parenting grievances as I know I have not been good at this. The guilt is probably the reason today I hasten to call myself a “step parent” as the word feels so foreign and undeserving on my lips. I always say things like “my husband’s daughter,” because I never wanted to step on toes or deem myself worthy of a title no one else had a say in. After all, what have I done, except marry a man with almost grown children? A man who I love more than the world, and a man who will always love his children the most. A man who still has his phone background of all his children, and never changed it once, and lights up every time he sees them and speaks with them. He has always made me want to be better. I am not sure if I ever made a strong enough positive impact or influence, and I always felt like I was drowning whenever I tried to take on those daunting tasks. If only love could have cured all the anguish and uncertainties, I would have reigned supreme in my responsibilities. Sadly, sometimes love is not only not enough, but can also be the reason for so much sadness and pain. They are the family I have not by blood, but the ones who I love and will always take precedence above all else. Who knew a simple hug can heal so much?