21, Can You Do Something For Me?

I can’t believe it. I can not believe just how fast time flies. My husband’s daughter Aaliyah, who I met when she was only 13 years old, is turning 21 next Monday. I guess by all accounts, it would be “stepdaughter,” but to me, it always felt odd saying that because we got married when she was already grown and moved out. I also never wanted to come off disrespectful to her mother, and never wanted to cross any boundaries or step on any toes, so I was always content with being just ‘Samantha.’ And as someone who seemed to lack maternal instincts regardless, I found myself pleasantly surprised at how much I had grown to love and care for his children. I used to live for the days where I got to watch her compete in wrestling or Jiu Jitsu, and I swell with pride at all of her accomplishments. Now, on the cusp of adulthood, she is doing so well, excelling in her trade and line of profession and always working hard to accomplish the next task. I am so amazed at her maturity and know I was nowhere near that level when I was her age. She truly is amazing.

Watching someone I care about reach this milestone birthday got me thinking about when I turned 21. Honestly, my birthday was horrible. Actually, all of my birthdays during my college years at FSU were pretty terrible as I didn’t always make the greatest decisions or surround myself with the best people and I ended up feeling lonely, even when amongst a crowd of others. I was feeling under the weather on my 21st, from a mixture of copious partying, working ridiculous hours at my job, and keeping to a crazy packed school schedule where my competitive nature often had me pulling all-nighters to be at the top of my classes. And then of course the random tool I was “seeing” (and I use that term loosely), on the basketball team totally stood me up at the bar we were all supposed to meet at to party. Feeling sick and sad, I just wanted to retreat to my apartment’s bed. My roommate’s boyfriend said I couldn’t leave until he got me one more drink, a vodka cranberry, which ended up being about 90% cheap vodka and 10% sugary cranberry juice. Like a dummy I chugged it, and then proceeded to violently throw up in the bushes outside of my building when we got home. The next day I stayed curled in bed all day with a brutal hangover, all alone, and feeling pretty unlovable and upset with how my life was turning out.

Growing up as a triplet, I always had 2 other people in my house to share a birthday with. I am embarrassed to say I somewhat resented it a little bit, as I childishly felt as if my birthday could never be a celebration of ‘me’, but always of ‘us’ instead. Then I went to college, and I actually really missed celebrating our birthdays together, especially because I didn’t have the greatest friend group and often found myself feeling more isolated than ever before. I think there are a lot of high expectations and romanticized feelings when it comes to our birthday, and therefore I always found myself feeling let down. Throughout those 4 years, each birthday always culminated in a night full of tears, and I began to really loathe the date whenever it came around. It’s pretty sad when you think about it; that a day of celebration is one you begin to dread as the date approaches. Because of this, I simply assumed that my birthdays were always going to be a pretty terrible day, and it became something I never looked forward to.

My birthdays since have been much better, and now every single. birthday is spent in the arms of the person I love most, and it is wonderful. Things have definitely changed. I think my favorite birthday memory is from the last one, when Aaliyah inverted the numbers on my cake to read ’23’ i instead of ’32’, as she knows the qualms I have had about aging lately. She also went out of her way to buy me a cake as a thank you for always baking one for everyone else’s birthdays. I don’t think she realized how much it meant to be thought of when I had such a sour relationship with feeling alone on prior birthdays. I had never felt so loved and appreciated, and it healed the adolescent and young adult version of me who never seemed to have a good birthday. She is so wonderful, and always thinking of others, and I hope she gets everything she wants on her birthday and in life. Someone who works so hard at their job in the welding field, who reaches every accomplishment she sets her mind too, and would make any parent, biological or step, beyond proud to have known her.

Aaliyah, I hope you enjoy your birthday so very much, and all of your future birthdays too. I can’t wait to bake you a boozy passionfruit and tequila cake, only the very best effort for the person I know who works so very hard.I’m really enjoying her watching her grow up, and especially the habits and behaviors in which she emulates her father. Suffice to say she had a pretty good role model in him, and it’s truly astounding to watch some of his best behaviors reflected in her daughter. The kindness, the willingness to always give people a chance (something I suck at), the tenacity, the hard working mentality ingrained deep within the both of them, the ability to always show others empathy, and the want they both have to always do more and to be better. There is no doubt in my mind that she will accomplish great things in this life, and what a privilege I have had to be able to be in her life and witness it all. Sometimes I wish I could make time stand still, and go back to the early teenage years where I made weekly meals for the family, because man does it all seem to fly by so fast. But for what it’s worth, I think it’s wonderful that she has grown up to make her own life for herself, and I can promise that she will always have a scratch made meal waiting for her whenever she visits home.