The experts always say that relationships and marriages are hard work, and that it takes both people making a conscious effort of participation to really ensure long lasting bonds. I remember in my last long term relationship, I was always wondering why it was supposed to be hard. And that’s because we didn’t really argue. Things just either happened or there simply was no compromise and that’s because I was being cheated on pretty much the entire time. In my current relationship, when there are things we don’t see eye to eye on, we have discussions as adults, and we really do try to do things for our partner in ways that show our effort in this relationship. The ways in which we give and receive love are so crucial when it comes to a structurally sound relationship, and communicating these wants and needs are key to ensuring its sustainability for a lifetime. I am of the mindset that 99.9% of issues that arise in any relationship (and not just romantic relationships, but platonic ones as well), can be solved with clear and concise communication. And then the other party reciprocating this communication by validating the things their partner has to say, because what may seem trivial to some may impact someone else tenfold. This is where the hard work comes into play and where if you find the right person to engage in these efforts with, it is definitely more than worth it.
There are 5 different types of love languages: Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Receiving Gifts. Often times, people prefer to receive love in a different way than they like to give love in order of ranked preference, but they are usually not too far opposite on the language spectrum. For example, I always like to show people I care about them by providing acts of service for them, such as cooking for them, bringing them coffee, helping them out with tasks and favors, handling gestures for them, surprising them by taking care of something to alleviate their workload etc. I feel most loved with words of affirmation, so when anyone voices their gratitude or appreciation for me it means the absolute world. Even small and simple things; i.e. telling me thank you, mentioning that something I did looks nice, telling me I am loved, that I am doing well, I am doing a good job at things, and generally affirming things in a positive manner. It just makes me very happy to hear positive words in regard to the things I am doing. After words of affirmation, I do like to receive acts of service as a close second, then quality time, and then in last place would be physical touch or receiving gifts depending on who it’s from. Meaning, I usually despise other people touching me, I am definitely not a hugger, not even with friends, it’s just not me. But if I am with my husband. I’ll cuddle the eff out of him. And gifts just really aren’t my thing in general, not that I don’t appreciate them.
Funnily enough, my husband is almost the exact opposite of myself when it comes to his love languages. He is physical touch through and through. He is so hands on with every single thing. Super awkward when your partner wants to hug every person at an event and you’d rather no one touch you, but I digress. He’s also quite big on quality time and enjoys being around the people he cares about. I would marry a social butterfly while I, often need to cocoon myself in order to recharge alone with some solitude. I’d put acts of service somewhere in the middle for him and words of affirmation somewhere after that, because not to stereotype him as a typical male, but he’s not quite the biggest on words, and isn’t always the greatest about expressing how he feels, but I’m not always the greatest with physical touch so I won’t criticize. And just like me, ‘gift receiving’ is both dead last on both of our lists. Tangible items have just never been much of a priority to either of us. So while that is similar, as you can see from the other stuff, our love languages are vastly different, and this is where the love and care for one another in our relationship and our marriage really has to play its part.
Because my husband is the most important person in my life, it is really a priority to me that I do things that make him feel loved, valued, and respected. He enjoys physical touch and quality time, so I make sure to provide him both of those things, even though they aren’t always what feels natural to me. The same goes for him. He knows how much I enjoy words of affirmation, and therefore he has made a conscious effort over the years to really go above and beyond telling me things I find so endearing and special. On our wedding day, he surprised me by writing his own vows and reciting it to us in front of all of our friends and family. And I hope he doesn’t think for one second how I don’t treasure every single word he said out loud that day to describe the love that he had for his new wife. John is not a man where words always came easy to him, but because of the love he has for me, he worked hard to make that day so very special. Same with the the way he proposed and the post he wrote to coincide with it. And as someone who’s always been an independent and resolutely hard worker, who has always been self-reliant, and pulled himself up by the boot straps and has accomplished all of his amazing successes on his own, I know it has not been easy to be accustomed to a wife so willing to help and want to do so much for him and dote on him in so many ways. But because of his love for me, he has worked hard to accept that I enjoy showing the ways I love him by taking care of him and helping him in any way I can. And for such alpha resilient and dominant man, I know that hasn’t been the easiest of accomodations.
I, myself, have worked hard on softening my hardened exterior to the man I love so much. I don’t know why, but I always had it in my head that showing love made you weak, so I built up these walls, and refused to be that touchy-feely type of person. I liked being alone, I never saw myself getting married, and I definitely wasn’t about to be holding hands or kissing up on someone in public. And then I met John. I don’t know if it’s the world champion Jiu Jitsu athlete in him or what, but now we sleep every night with his leg grapevined around mine and our arms entwined. Who would have thought I’d have turned into a cuddler. His love language is physical touch and quality time and my love language is John Schell. It has taken me some time, and it still is really only with him, but I will keep working hard to make sure we are always speaking the same language. Even though our love languages do differ, the most important thing we always come back to is the love and respect we have for each other, and that is everything. Kind of makes love a universally translatable language no matter how you choose to give it or receive it, and that is so beautiful.
