Lately, I’ve been making a bunch of Jiu Jitsu related content and videos on my social media pages, and I’ve read all of the comments underneath them, many laden with “I feel so seen!” And it really got me thinking about outliers in the community. Like dang, if you don’t fall into this neat little Jiu jitsu box, how difficult it must be to find your place of comfort in the community, or a gym where you feel included, or dare I say it, like part of a family. If you are a woman in this sport, you are already an outlier, and if you fall anywhere outside the center spectrum of that whether it be in weight, race, age, culture, etc., you may feel even more excluded. Some people don’t want to stick out, and are perfectly content with blending right on in. When you are born under the umbrella of a certain appearance, this can be both a blessing and a curse, as you may never be the type of person to get lost in a crowd no matter how hard you try. Every single group photo, you will easily be able to be found in. Some people enjoy their individuality, and some resent it, neither people are wrong for their own experiences and feelings and both must be respected. Listening and learning from all different types of people is the best way we each can add value to the world and empathize with one another as well.
There’s a lot of talk these days about representation and why it matters, and it can mean a lot for us little girls growing up to see the Disney princess who looks like them in the movies. For me, my favorite was always Mulan, which should come as no shock as I did end up growing up to fight all the boys anyway despite the fact that we may not have looked alike, but I still get it. It can be intimidating and/or overwhelming to walk into a room where you automatically stick out, where all of your experiences are singular and unrelatable to other individuals in the area. This may not bother some people, but it may effect others, and it is not up to anyone to tell someone how they should feel. We do not get to determine how someone perceives an interaction. Some people want something to relate to, some people eschew that notion and loathe the thought of it. That’s what makes us all unique people with our own experiences.
I was driving to an event the other day and spent a couple of hours in the car with two of my dearest friends. One, a blonde-haired blue-eyed extroverted social butterfly, by the name of Sarah Elizabeth Wills, who will often tell you if you google her name you will find not only dozens of others with similar names, but also with similar aesthetics and even similar fields of work. The other, my friend known colloquially as ‘Niko Suave,’ an introvert by her own account, and a person of color, where she says she often times goes to these Jiu Jitsu events and looks around, and no matter how many other women are on the mats, she is really the only person or one of the only people who looks like her. And it really got me thinking, this is something I don’t often anticipate when I travel to these Jiu Jitsu events. I’ve never had to deal with the bubbling anxiety of wondering if I would be perceived differently by the other ladies because I looked differently. Of course I had asked Niko’s permission before writing this article, and I thought this was a really important topic, because she said herself she went to a big event the week prior without her emotional support extrovert (Sarah) who will make anyone feel welcome in every single situation imaginable, but not everyone out there is a Sarah Wills, and it can be a little scary if she isn’t always around.
So what about me? Well, I’m neither extroverted nor introverted. My husband is a total extrovert and loves people, me, not so much. I don’t have social anxiety, but I do prefer solitude. I am more of an omnivert and do need a “battery recharge” when around people too long. I enjoy blending in which is odd because I did shave half my hair and dye it red, but I just like cool hair. People don’t intimidate me and I don’t get nervous in big groups and can socialize fine, but I also don’t eagerly anticipate a bunch of interaction either. I see both sides of it quite well and I do want everyone to feel comfortable and treated fairly and know that this sport is a sport for everyone of all creeds, body types, back grounds, and individualities. I love seeing more representation on the mats and I know it must be great for others to see people who look like them enjoying the sport too. When I spoke to Niko it made me realize that never before have I ever had to go to an event and think about in advance if I would have difficulty fitting in or relating to people or being treated differently because there was no one similar to myself. I am grateful to have friends who feel comfortable sharing and discussing their perspectives with me.
I know when I talk to the guys in Jiu Jitsu, and they complain about rolling with the tall guys or the heavyweights, they’ll never understand what it’s like for me as a 5’0 120 lb woman. They may be the smallest guy at their gym, but at the end of the day, they’re still a man, with man muscles and male testosterone. Just as that’s being said, I will also never understand what it’s like for the Master’s 7 woman stepping out to her very first competition, or to the woman who is the only black female in her entire gym. Sometimes the best thing we can do in life is to be silent and just to listen. When I sat in that car driving, I did just that. It really made me value the bonds I have built and the friends I have made in Jiu Jitsu, the many different friends, of all types, of whom I treasure each and every single one. From the exceptionally extroverted, to the quietly introverted, to everything and anything in between. And through that wide variety of personalities, I am so glad everyone brings a little something different to the table, and it’s pretty cool that Jiu Jitsu has given us all the opportunity to feel seen.
