Et Tu, Brute

Some people will never be loyal to you, only to their need of you. Once those needs have been met and you’ve served your purpose, Poof! They rid themselves of you. Betrayal is almost a universally shared heartbreaking experience. We’ve all suffered at its cruel hands, from romantic partners to platonic friends to family members. And always, it tends to make us feel like such a fool for having such trust in a bond we thought was so strong, but was really just a facade, and a mockery to the other party. I think that what’s even worse is how impactful all of those feelings of disloyalty and betrayal felt to me, and how I remember all of the vivid details so distinctly. The boy who asked me to the 6th grade dance only to dance with a 7th grader the entire time. One of my best friends in 9th grade going out with the boy she knew I had a massive crush on, when I had refused to do the same thing to her the previous year out of friendship. The boyfriend who cheated on me with a coworker I blindly trusted. The person at the gym I stupidly thought was my friend, dedicating time to help over my own training, only to be plotted against and lied to over thinking the grass is greener. The grass may appear greener, but artificial turf, as vibrantly bright as it may be, will never be the real thing no matter how much you pretend.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not under the false assumption that just because I run a gym, people owe me some sort of blind loyalty. I understand that at the end of the day, it is a business, and people can choose to patronize whichever establishment they see fit. My cause for concern relies in me building relationships with some people, relationships that far exceed the business owner/customer clientele relationship, only to leave with a virtual message away from in-person interaction. There is a difference between moving locations, aligning with something better suited to your requirements (i.e., switching from a hobbyist school to a competitive one or learning under someone with a similar age/body type/style to help you succeed), versus a mentality that you deserve undivided attention and are better than anyone around you. It’s an individual sport, but to me, still a team effort, and I highly appreciate all those around me and see the value they bring. I don’t know, perhaps I’m still upset about being lied to with unreciprocated effort and used for convenience with no intentions of returning the training, but I am trying so hard not to let the bitterness rip me apart. It is what it is, and the people around me truly are so wonderful that it helps alleviate the pain that comes with being mistaken about supposed friendships.

I’ve noticed a common denominator in all who posses the trait of disloyalty; insecurity & simultaneously inflated sense of self; i.e. thinking you are better than others. You see, none of these people have fulfilling relationships in other facets of their life because of a deep-rooted unhappiness with themselves. They can’t maintain long-lasting adult relationships, or even more advertently, partners in life. A bunch of faltering and unhappy marriages when it comes right down to it, or lack of complacency in their careers, or disappointing family ties. This is why they seek different relationships with who can fulfill that empty feeling, and are often times working hard to accomplish something in their professional life or excel at a hobby, and that is because their home life is so insatiably unfulfilling. They will got through different friend groups throughout their lives, job to job, relationship to relationship, and gym to gym, trying to fill an empty void that will never truly come to fruition until they become more secure and happy with themselves. It’s never just one relationship or just one gym, but multiple, and despite them being the common denominator in flitting from location to location, the problem lies with everyone else and never themselves. At some point, it pays to gaze with some internal reflection and wonder why you’ve had issues at multiple gyms, or with multiple partners, or various places of employment.

These type of articles always make people mad, but guess what? I’m mad too. Mad that I have watched my husband do so much for others, sacrifice time, spend money, take time from his 9-5 job to travel far and wide simply to support and coach others without anything in return, only for someone to disregard all of that and pretend like it never existed. I would bet my life there is never going to be a person more selfless than John, who cares more for others without expecting anything in return. And this is the type of person life likes to metaphorically spit in the face on, and chew up only to hack back out. I’ve watched him drive hours in the middle of the night to get someone help at a rehab facility. I’ve watched him book a flight to be in someone’s corner last minute so they wouldn’t be alone, traveling hours for multiple people for insignificant matches that don’t even count towards anything without expecting a dime in return. I’ve seen him stay late at events to coach people who weren’t even his students because their own team couldn’t be bothered to make the trip. I’ve watched him time and time again be the greatest father to his children only to be told by society that maternal figures are better suited for the parenting role. I’ve built up a shell and grown hardened by the cruel ways of the world, and hesitate to keep putting my heart and time on the line, but not John. No matter how many times people exude their betrayal, or how awfully he ends up treated, he still continues to be a good and altruistic person, and I admire him so much for it.

Anyways, I’m done taking any more time to think about it. These type of people are loyal to no one but themselves, no matter how many people they fool into thinking otherwise. It does no good to contemplate how things could have gone differently, because they bring nothing of value to any table they sit at, simply just take up space. Though I am sure many view me as a cold-hearted bitch for speaking my mind in these blogs, I get to sleep soundly at night knowing I don’t lie, try to deceive, or use others in a self-serving fashion. I also get to go home to a wonderful house full of love, roof on my table, food in my fridge, pursuing the things that make me happy with a strong core group of friends and my love right by my side, whom I would never disrespect. I’ve learned to pay attention to those in my presence who speak incredibly negative of others, especially those close to them that should be treated with more reverence, because then I know in the blink of an eye they would do the same to me. A knife to the back is only a moment away, so if I must always be on guard, I’d rather not risk it anyway. And I’ll try to be more like my husband, who is great about handling life’s blows with grace, and just taking a breath and moving forward without looking back. But still, I’ll always hope karma does actually exist regardless.