Nothing in this life will age you faster than the stress that comes with having toxic people in your life, so as hard as it may be, you need to cut those people off and surround yourself with positive ones instead. Women need other uplifting women in their life to radiate powerful effeminate yet masculine domineering, strong, and supportive energy. Those who bring out the very best in you and that make you better simply by having them around, where you know they will provide a shoulder to lean on, an ear to talk to, and encouraging words when you most need it. I have made the mistake one too many times before of trying to fit in with people I thought were friends when really, they wanted you around as long as you didn’t achieve more than them. The kind of people who would cheer for you, but only if it didn’t take away from their successes, the types that would support you, but only if it wasn’t in areas where they fell short, and the very people who would smile to your face but whisper malicious words behind your back. Now, I make sure to interact with those who would applaud my wins even if they lost, and who would never question their loyalty based upon what could be done for them in return. This is divine queen energy, truly royal behavior, and there is nothing more powerful than women who come together to be a united front.
Take the photo in this title for example. The women pictured above have all competed against each other (except for me), and have all formed long-lasting bonds of friendship. Not only that, they are all part of ‘The Mighty Dames’, a group of female Jiu Jiteiras focused on heavyweight women in the sport, and have so graciously included my BDE spirit amongst them, and I am truly touched. Different gyms, affiliations, socioeconomic backgrounds, lifestyles, and beliefs, but one thing remains true- these women are my friends and always full of positivity. I was fortunate to attend a female-centric open mat event this past weekend, and the amount of amazing women I was lucky enough to roll with and speak with proved immeasurably wonderful to my soul. So many ladies I admire and look up to that reciprocated those same thoughts and feelings in return. I never feel worthy of the kind words bestowed upon me from these incredible women and I am truly humbled by each and every single one. While I am sure not everyone in attendance always appreciates my presence, those that I choose to surround myself with make it all beyond worth it, and helps alleviate the pain that comes with the mean words of others.
Without the drama of shitty people, I am thriving and flourishing beyond my greatest means. I am sleeping better, I am maintaining a healthy immune system and avoiding this cold and flu season, and I am waking up feeling fueled, refreshed, and recovered daily. I notice a pattern amongst the in the spotlight maturing through life. The unproblematic ones seem to radiate more and more as time goes on, while the ones plagued with drama and bad press don’t tend to fare as well. I guess being unproblematic has as many physical benefits as well as internal manifestations as well. Likewise, I notice that those who exhibit these patterns also have a rotating door of toxic people flitting in and out of their lives. On the contrary, the people that prove honest and true tend to have a strong solid core of people who remain constant in their life. Think of the Jiu Jitsu people you know that have had issues with multiple gyms. We’re not talking one gym switch, as sometimes falling-outs occasionally occur, but if one person seems to have an issue with multiple dojos and the people in them, well, there is one common denominator there. At some point, continued “issues” point to a trend, and in the words of Taylor Swift, “It’s you, hi. You’re the problem, it’s you.”
Cheering loudly for someone else does not make your audience any quieter. Likewise, booing loudly from the rafters just adds more noise. I love the quote by the end of Lindsay Lohan in ‘Mean Girls’ that goes “Calling someone fat doesn’t make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter. And calling someone ugly doesn’t make you any prettier.” If you feel the need to dull someone else’s sparkle in order for you to shine, then honey, you never radiated any light anyway. Women who are full of light help to cast brightness everyone and everything they come into contact with, only illuminating rooms more brightly rather than eclipsing anyone. It is more like sunlight casting radiant light all around them, rather than a spotlight shining on them while leaving everyone else in the shadows. It can suck sometimes growing up in a society that always tries to pit women against each other, creating cyclical jealous interactions rather than learning and helping one another. Female Jiu Jitsu events are great for the most part with most women truly trying to help other women. The kindness helps to not let the select few surly faces on the sidelines either plotting how to just beat everyone or simply avoiding most people out of fear of they themselves being “beaten.” Too bad tapping in training is a learning opportunity and not a loss, but fortunately most do understand that.
When you choose to be unproblematic, less issues arise around you. External factors tend to fall into place better and you don’t have to deal with toxic people in your life bringing you down. I am so very lucky to not only have a strong female presence at my gym with uplifting women I consider friends and confidants, but those women have helped build connections with ladies at surrounding gyms all over. This only expands our ever-growing connections of strong women supporting women, and that is a beautiful thing. Where I am weak, my friends are strong, in areas I suffer, my friends excel, and in areas I need assistance, they are always there to lift me up. How lucky I feel to be surrounded by nothing but the most positive and beautiful queens who have helped me conquer so much negativity and doubting thoughts and fill me with nothing but joy instead. I have no problem telling these women how much I love them, and I hope they know how much I value their presence in my life and the friendships we have formed. As were approach another year around the sun, I hope all of my unproblematic queens and gorgeous people have the most fruitful and beneficial 2023 filled with lots of joy, success, and accomplishments. Stay happy, stay healthy, and always stay unproblematic.
