Reflections

I write about Jiu Jitsu and MMA a lot, often interspersed with my own feelings, thoughts, and experiences throughout this journey. But I have been unfair to my readers who think they are privy to the innermost workings of my mind and the things that make me tick. See, I don’t often divulge the hard truths lying deep beneath the surface, perhaps due to the fears that come with such vulnerability, or else being viewed as weak or inferior. I am at the stage in life where I often do not consume my thoughts with the wonder of what others may think, but that doesn’t mean it still wouldn’t bother me to be whispered about, ridiculed, or mocked. Sometimes I put such heavy pressure on myself to act or behave in a certain way, that I wonder if I am withholding my true and authentic self from the world. It would bother me greatly if I became “too vulnerable” in the eyes of people around me or those reading the pieces I write, and so much so that they begin to view me as weak. I feel strong and I want to portray myself as being such, but I am also only human, and therefore susceptible to all of the highs and lows and influx of emotions that come with it. Some days, I feel powerful from the moment I wake up and with every fiber of my being. But some days, I want to crawl in a hole, crying about all of the areas in which I am inept or failing at, and generally feeling downtrodden, depressed, and unhappy with myself.

Fighting has had me feeling some of the highest of the highs, the most joyous and accomplished moments of my life and like I am on top of the world. Fighting has also given me moments where I have felt so incredibly low and unworthy and the saddest of losers in existence. Either I’m really really good at masochism, or I am just insane, but either way I keep coming back and signing up for more. I just always feel eager to step onto the big stage and show what I work so hard in the gym for and I always want to keep improving from any previous competition. It’s funny to me when people make the assumption that since I compete often, I must never get nervous. That is so incredibly false; I am always nervous that I won’t perform up to expectations and I will let those down who have put their faith and belief in me. I worry that I will make one stupid, silly little mistake that will cost me the weeks of hard work leading up the bout. While I have actually done this before, spoiler alert, the world didn’t end, I wasn’t a laughing joke (at least that I know of), and I found the courage to buck up and try again. Although the pain that comes with a stinging loss hurts, it has never kept me from living to fight another day.

This past weekend, I attended a joint BJJ and wrestling camp/seminar. There were a handful of high school-aged girls there gearing up for their wrestling season. I don’t care who you are, but one of the absolute best feelings in the world is having people look up to you as the role model you wish you had when you were younger. To them, I was really doing it, being a woman in a male-dominated combative sport. If I had seen an upper belt, professional female fighter up close and personal when I was their age, I would have squealed with excitement. They asked me an ample amount of various questions related to the sport, some broad, some personal, and all with curiosity and wonder. I hope to god that I was able to impart some informative insight, and to be a positive part of their experience that weekend, and maybe something to aspire to as well. To be perfectly honest. I could have cried with the way they held me in such high esteem, and I promise I did my very best to convey the most accurate and uplifting advice that I could. Most importantly, in regard to confidence and body positivity, and never letting other people’s opinions negatively bring you down. After all, the people in the cheapest seats boo the loudest.

But what about the days where I don’t have q group of people watching what I do or looking up to me? Your character is determined by the person you are and the ways in which you think, act, and behave when no one is watching. How much am I really holding myself accountable for to make sure I am still pushing myself to lead by example and be the best that I can be? Like I said, there are days where I wake up, and the word ‘can’t’ lays heavy on my heart. I can’t get up to do this cardio, I can’t push my body to its training limits today, I can’t get all that I need to get done etc. etc. But I work as hard as I possibly can to quell that stupid little voice and make sure that despite whatever thoughts are flouting about in my brain. I swallow the negative bullshit and go out in spite of those emotions to get things done and accomplished. I make sure to do the little things in life that bring me joy, such as hot yoga, gym sessions, grappling, sparring, reading a good book, cooking, baking, and organizing. With only the mundane and laborious things in existence, I will have nothing to look forward to, and that is simply a life I don’t want engagement with. Always pushing, and never relenting.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going, but it is absolutely 100% okay to have those days where you lay in bed crying, eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and don’t even get up to shower. You are allowed to take a day and some time to recoup physically and emotionally, but do not stay there. That first hot shower will invigorate you and reawaken your soul and make you feel like you absolutely can get out there and be the person you were always meant to be. Whether I have thousands of young girls fawn over my career with admiration, or even just one, or maybe none at all, I won’t stop living my life trying to do good and leave a positive mark simply because I existed in this world. I will win some more, I will lose some more, I will succeed, and I will fail. But I won’t ever give up in life, and that will make all the difference of the content of my character. There will still be those out there rooting for me to come up short and watching everything I do in the hopes that I stumble and that I fall. But I hope they keep watching, because though I may fall down 9 times, I will stand up 10, and every phoenix is reborn from the infernal ashes of their past. This is who I am, and I have acknowledged all of those things and keep setting goals for who I want to be. I will continue to look deep within myself to ensure I always live my most authentic self, even if others are uncomfortable by my sheer vulnerability, because what you see is what you get.