Omega

I’d rather be the lone wolf than the Omega; the last in the pack, the scapegoat, the ones who eat last. There are many who probably (wrongly) assume I am the alpha, keen to lead the pack and be the strong and constant vigilant ruler. But I hate, nay, loathe that type of responsibility. I am too emotional, and get my feelings hurt constantly; cons of being an empath. I am also remarkably good at reading people, and know when something shady is being done around me or if I’m a secondary afterthought amongst people or even the last resort. When you’re thrust into a leadership role, no longer are you a part of the group or the majority. You are now forever an outlier, an outcast, and an easy target for vented frustrations. There is a reason the boss doesn’t go to Happy Hour with their employees and join in on frivolity and jokingly bashing the company. Respect is earned, not given, but the expectations that come with that respect can often times be overwhelming.

I’ve always been the type of person who prefers to live, work, and act alone. I did happen to find that one person in life I can consistently count on and be around and don’t think for one second I don’t wholeheartedly value and treasure that. If it wasn’t him, I probably (and I say that with confidence) would have remained single for my remaining years because I refuse to rely on others and end up hurt in the long run. Sure, it makes for a lonely existence, and I have come to peace with the fact that I put up walls and barriers because I always end up hurt if I let people in. I can’t tell you right now the last time I considered someone a best friend or even a good friend. I know the problem lies with me as I am the only common denominator in the equation, but it still stings when I realize how alone I truly am.

My partner has helped me in innumerable ways realize I need to overcome these honestly immature feelings of hurt and neglect. I feel like I am always hurting my own feelings more than anyone else possibly could and it’s because I often anticipate the things that could go wrong or else automatically assume the worst outcome. I can admit when I am bad at something, and I am really bad about not being a raging bitch when I’m a little bit sad, and then I shut myself off from the world and lash out at those around me. The few times in my life I have opened myself up to building relationships with others have ultimately ended with unimaginable pain and heartbreak, and it makes me really hesitant to want to attempt this again. In fact, I often times have extreme night terrors that something will happen now to sever the relationship with the person I love and it’s terrifying.

I have always had an issue taking things personally, even though I realize this is nobody else’s problem but my own. I always feel (and unfortunately am often times right), that I am the least liked in a group of friends, and I often times wonder if things would be better if I just separated myself and went through life solo. Would people really even notice if I stayed off to the side and removed myself from being involved? I don’t know if it’s just my dumb mind playing tricks on me or what, but I definitely have a self-preservation instinct where I would rather hurt my own feelings by being alone, than being vulnerable and open myself up to being emotionally damaged by others. But I also know that without taking the risk of creating relationships with others, I will end up living an unfulfilled life. I guess it’s truly a catch-22.

William Shakespeare said, “Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.” I guess I was never one who sought out leadership, but had it thrust upon me simply by the goals I am trying to a achieve and the work ethic I am willing to put in. Therefore, I need to stop fearing the responsibilities that come by being in an alpha role and accept that type of leadership mentality and eschew the position of the lone omega wolf. I promise you that I am always a work in progress and as hard as it may be, I will do my best to allow others in and create friendships and relationships and build those bonds. I can’t always fear the worst simply because of past experiences, because I am putting a limit on my own happiness. I can be thankful that I am not an omicron, or worse, a beta. Cheers to a new Sam mentality in 2022, and allowing myself to conquer these stupid emotional negative thoughts.