New Year, Same Tears

You know, sometimes it’s pretty exhausting always trying to be the ever optimistic voice of reason and profound happiness for every fucking person. I almost feel like I don’t have a right to ever be down or sad because I always have to be the person people turn to when they themselves are down in the dumps. But man, I’m tired and drained with the weight of everyone else’s thoughts and emotions on top of my own. Like I can’t ever be sad about a rough day because my knee surgery was something minor that will have be right back to it in no time and others aren’t so lucky (almost named this one: New Year, New Knee, but to be honest, the whole ‘woe is me’ knee surgery thing is already played out and I’m bored of myself). Or I should shift my focus to the fact that my identity is so much more than being a fighter or competitor and I am not defined by my ability to compete. I don’t know man, sometimes I just feel lonely with having to balance all of my ever-wandering raging thoughts. 

Anyone else ever feel like they are always there for everyone else, but sometimes when you need a little extra words of comfort or some kindness thrust force in your direction, all you hear is crickets? I’d like to think I’m pretty tuned in to reading when others seem to be a little down in the dumps, and I make an extra effort to make them feel seen and heard, so maybe it just hurts worse when I feel silenced. I even have a (probably) stupid habit, where I like to leave 5 positive and uplifting comments on a stranger or acquaintance’s social media a day, whether it be Facebook, Tik Tok, or Instagram. But now I’m questioning if I do that to spread kindness, or if it’s innately selfish to make me feel better about doing good? What the fuck is wrong with my brain. 

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t classify nor label myself as depressed. But I am a fully-formed human being encompassing all the possible emotions on a worldwide scale, and sometimes, I’m overwrought with shades of blue that would make the most cyan of oceans jealous. There are people in my life who have chosen to sever relationships and it honestly crushes my soul. But then I also feel guilty for being so upset by the loss of their love because there are others who have had their heart broken much more profoundly because their former relationship was even closer than mine. I don’t understand why people can choose to be so cruel and I catch myself crying to myself when no one is around about the love I still have for people who care not at all. And every single day that passes, there isn’t a moment where it ever gets easier or where I forget, and I miss them so much. It can be incredibly hard to grieve those still living and frankly, I suck at It.

There are times I feel so undeserving of my happiness that I literally worry myself sick and into panic attacks thinking disaster will strike at any minute. Why do I get to be happy marrying the literal love of my life when there are others who have their soulmate ripped from this life far too soon? Or even people who have never been blessed with the pure happiness I feel just being in the presence of my person. I fear something will happen to destroy and obliterate my joy and serenity and I can’t stop these horrible thoughts from penetrating every facet of my brain. I think one of the reasons I keep myself so continuously busy with a thousand different tasks at once is so my mine doesn’t dwell on the haunting thoughts that threaten to keep my happiness locked in a dark and dismal dungeon for all eternity. I feel like lately I’ve been consumed with thoughts of death or loved ones dying and it scares me so much I can’t sleep. 

I’m sure I sound slightly insane and off my rocker writing these thoughts out loud, but I promised myself when I started these blogs I wouldn’t fear full transparency and vulnerability to whichever 5 readers end up divulging in this piece. I’m sure this is just a fleeting moment of weakness on my part and it will pass soon, which I definitely hope for the sake of my comfort and peace and ability to achieve a restful night’s sleep. I know I will continue to be there for those I care about, and I will do my best to continue to spread generosity and kindness with my actions and words. I may not be able to change the world as hard as I might try, but if I can even change the trajectory of one person’s downward spiral into something uplifting, I will have lived a very full and satisfying life. Until next time, stay safe and happy my friends.