My current attitude may or may not be a reflection of my current state of mind being that I am these days relegated to the couch instead of the gym more often than not. I mean, earlier this week I was literally struggling to hamstring curl 10 freaking pounds. Granted, I had knee surgery only one week ago, but it was a minimally invasive scoped procedure and I’m supposed to be fucking resilient and not this sad Schell of a human. (If y’all don’t give me props on that shell pun just now I swear to god). As of Wednesday last week, I show up to the gym to ask questions and observe, and hopefully learn and absorb knowledge through any ounce of osmosis I can get. I just can’t wait until I’m fucking shit up on the mats again.
Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was crippled with the constant ache of anxiety and existential dread coursing through my veins. Worries that I’m becoming sloppy, undisciplined, withdrawn, and overwhelmed by the millions of things I want to and need to do. I’m moving slower and I hate it, especially with my ADD riddled mind trying desperately to grasp at the straws of positivity and forever coming up short. I molded so much of my identity and who I am around fighting (very toxic trait and unhealthy characteristic I may add) that I feel conceptually lost at who and what I truly identify as. Is my personal and self worth only categorized by what I accomplish on the mats or in the cage? I know that’s false, but still, what if?
It’s very difficult for me to sit still and relax, and I know this just makes me sound like a lamenting and ungrateful fool, but I thrive and do my best work when I am a busy little bee petering away at all of the tasks. I have trained through countless little bumps and bruises, (literally sewed up a scalp wound on the mats and continued practice), and it takes an awful lot for me to sit on the side. Where others relish breaks and milking boo boos, I completely dread them. I write this blog right now sitting down, instead of pacing back and forth, because I have done too much lately causing my knee to be swollen and achey and my stitches being stretched to maximum soreness across my incisions. Perhaps spending over 7 hours roundtrip in the car on Saturday wasn’t the wisest of decisions, but I was cornering a student in a kickboxing fight and I pride myself on being there for my teammates. I am paying dearly for those choices, however.
I know the biggest struggle I will face with all of this is my mental fortitude and willingness to not rush back into my training too quickly. Patience is something I have always failed at mastering, but I have coaches and teammates who force me to take it easy out of concerns for my physical health. Hoping I made the nice list this year and Santa brings me strong ass knees going forward with my future, instead of a big old lump of coal in my stocking. Six knee surgeries are far too many. I need to remind myself that just because I’m not training, I’m not lazy, and I have been in the gym rehabbing my knee like crazy and even working on sculpting a stronger and more defined upper body. If they thought I had big dick energy before, get ready for the gargantuan girthy glizzy attitude I am thrusting forward with in 2022.
If you’re reading this and taking some time away from the mats to reset mentally, physically, or spiritually, know that I am with you in solidarity. We will 100% make it through whatever threatens to impede our growth and come back prepared and stronger for the future competition scene. I know I will never be done with fighting until I accomplish all that I intend to do, and I will work harder than the elves building toys at the North Pole on Christmas Eve. Right now, I am doing what I can and being present in the gym to make sure I am more than ready the literal second the doctor gives me the all clear. Stitches come out tomorrow and it’s only a few short weeks until we choking windpipes and snapping joints. Until then, ho ho ho and fa la la la ya filthy animals.
