Taking a page out of Halsey’s book because there is no other way for me to put it then to simply say, ‘I’m bad at love.’ What I mean by this is I’ve always been stubborn when it came to relationships, and not just the romantic type. I struggle to build bonds and form alliances with others because of the fear I harbor that closeness leads to hurt. I always had this deep-seated fear that relying on others made you weak; meaning I always thought we’d be stronger on our own. I knew that I could always count on myself, and I felt so vulnerable placing that trust in others. I’m envious at those who are so open to love and toss out that word so nonchalantly to family, friends, and romantic partners. I have always found myself struggling to form those words and even choking on the sentence as it escapes my lips. It doesn’t help that the few times I have let my walls down and said those words, I have been burned so badly by later on. In fact, the first romantic partner I said this to, eventually tried to kill me years into the relationship, so you can’t really blame a girl for being hesitant.
Truth be told, I hate that I’m like this. It’s almost like I expect people to let me down so why should I bother being too invested or why be surprised when my fears become true. I happened into my current relationship by pure luck, and I can guarantee that if I hadn’t ended up with John, I would have been on my own forever, sowing my wild oats wherever I pleased and not answering to anyone or anything. In fact, the first time John told me he loved me, I stifled out a “thank you” and then fled the restaurant as fast as I could. I guess you could say I panicked, and it took a phone call to my brother to calm me down. It just seemed like such an intimidating and scary word and I had been damaged by that declaration so badly in my past that I was hesitant to take the plunge.
Now, I realize just how badly I’ve fucked myself up. You see, I’m getting married, and besides my brothers wives, I really have no idea what my bridal party would consist of. Not that I really wanted anything super traditional anyway, but now that it is all happening, I can’t help but be a little bit sad that at 30 years old, I don’t have close friends I can call on to vent to or celebrate with. Luckily, I have my gym friends, but I always wonder if they are only my friends because of proximity and not out of actual desire. I keep getting emails from different vendors that tell me to share the details with my maid of honor, and it’s sad to discover I don’t have one. Anytime I found myself getting close to someone, they hurt me in ways that made me never want to open myself up to that type of pain again.I closed myself off so much that now I find myself sad and alone.
My fiancé tells me that’s no way to live life. That if I am always afraid of being hurt and never open up to people, I will also miss out on great friendships and relationships as well. I know it’s a toxic trait, but I have such a difficult time letting go of the past and forgetting about the experiences that hurt me. I admire people who can get burned by one thing and still jump into the next full force. I much prefer to isolate myself and rely on the only person I know I could always count on, me, and dammit, that just makes me so sad to think about. I hate watching shows or movies with a group of close female friends and coming to the realization how much I am missing out on by not being privy to a close knit group of confidantes.
I am very lucky to be marrying someone so understanding and willing to help me grow as a person. I want nothing more than to be the type of woman people can love and have a deep-seated friendship and camaraderie with. I hate being so closed off and impersonal all the time. Maybe I need more patience and compassion with others. I hope they extend the same grace to me. At the root of it all, I just want to be loved too, and I hurt like the rest of us. A little bit of glue and some care, and I’ll be put back together. Always a work in progress, and learning to love is my most difficult challenge to date. I hope it’s not too late for me to adapt and learn to be that type of girl that maintains friendships. It gets a bit lonely with just my man and my dogs. I’m working on it though, I promise.
